Page 16 of Christmas Sunrise
As if sensing that I have lost my way a little, my sister somehow has rearranged everybody's seating positions to suddenly plonk herself down next to me. While one part of me bristles at this, as if she is checking up on me, another part of me softens with something like gratitude.
"Hi, I'm Jenna, Jake's sister and Marty's partner," she says, holding out her hand.
"Oh," Niall pulls back as he takes my sister's hand, "I thought..."
"Marty was gay," Jenna finishes easily. "No, he's bisexual."
"Well, nobody's perfect," Niall says with another boom of laughter, a sound that straightens my back and tightens my jaw. I'm not in the least bit surprised to see Jenna also sit a bit more upright.
"Jesus, that sounded bad," Niall's eyes widen as he pulls them to the floor. "Fuck, sorry."
That apology melts some of the tension in my body and I see Jenna's smile return as she speaks.
"It's certainly perfect for me," she replies carefully, flashing Marty a quick love-filled look.
"What if I told you I was bi?" I challenge Niall and his gaze snaps up to me.
"But you're not?" His expression is tentative, but his tone is completely incredulous.
"I could be." I shrug.
"Listen, it was a fucken wrong thing to say. I'm sorry."
"You should be," I tell him.
"Jesus." Niall runs a hand through his beard.
"Jake, it's okay," Jenna says, giving me a reassuring look.
"You're right to give me a hard time." Niall's eyes are less eager now, more serious and solemn.
I tilt my chin up as I let a thin, sly smile curl my lips. "And to do so for free. You lucky thing."
The relief in Niall puffs his chest out. "You're going to keep me on my toes, that's for sure. Is he always like this, your brother?"
"By this, do you mean the best brother in the world? The funniest man I know? The most loyal and loving friend you could ever dream of having? Then yes, he's always like this."
As I offer Jenna one of my warmest smiles, Niall shakes his head and laughs. This time the noise is more of a tinkle than a boom. Maybe I could forgive him that brief biphobic transgression. It certainly seems Jenna has by singing my praises to him.
"Wow, you're a lucky man to have a sister like that. My two younger sisters only ever say nice things about me when they need a lift home from a nightclub or an unsuitable man's house at four in the morning."
"Well, I wouldn't know anything about unsuitable men," I say, choosing to ignore Jenna's measured look in my direction.
Niall shifts his seat a little closer. "Then tell me what makes a man suitable, Jake?"
I am momentarily silenced.I don't have a quippy or flirty comeback for him. Instead, I’m actually thinking about the true answer to this question. So rarely do I ask myself what I want in a man that I simply don't know. Too often, I'm busy thinking about what a man could possibly want from me, could possibly see in me. Too many times in the past I’ve become so focused on what makesmesuitable, or not, that I never questioned whether the object of my desire is worthy, or not, until after they were long gone.
So, whatdoI want in a man? What makes a man suitable for me?
"Someone who's kind and loyal and genuine. A man who sees me for who I am, and likes what he sees. A man who knows I'm not perfect but will take me as I am. A man I can laugh with, yes, but maybe a man I can also cry with too. A man who is my friend as well as my lover."
"Jake," Jenna's voice cuts through the subsequent lull in our conversation but when I look at her, there are no more words, just a soft, small and slightly astonished smile on her face.
Niall coughs before speaking and somehow he has moved even closer to me. "Well, sounds like quite the dream man, although I'm a little disappointed you didn't say a ginger with massive quads."
His response is unsettling, a little affronting, in fact, after I poured a piece of my soul into my answer to his question. And yet, and I have no clue why, my mouth opens and I rush to reassure him. "That sounds perfectly pleasant too."
Niall leans in so that his mouth is at my ear. "I can be very pleasant." I can no longer see him, but I can feel the warmth of his breath on my ear lobe, and I have no choice but to inhale more of that slightly abrasive scent of his. "Very pleasing, too."
