Page 85 of Puck You
“If you sing something together, please have someone take a video.”I’d heard about their legendary “Take Me or Leave Me”performance from the other hockey players.Apparently, they both had incredible voices and were not afraid to belt the famousRentduet once they had enough tequila in their systems.After another round of shots and a long search for Lydia’s keys, they waved goodbye and set off for the bar.Quiet fell over the apartment once they departed, and with it, a rush of worried thoughts arrived.
Sebastian.Matt.My dad.Gabby.Each name I ticked off was another person I’d let down or someone I could no longer trust.Though Matt and I had briefly spoken over the phone about our awkward reunion, and he insisted he wasn’t angry, I could tell he was hurting.I didn’t like being the cause of his pain.Right now, the best thing I could do for both of us was give him time to decide if he wanted to remain friends.
And then there was Sebastian.After opening up to him about my time living in Boston, I thought things would go back to normal.They had, in some ways.We still spent every night tangled up in one another, but ever since our run-in with Matt, I couldn’t help but notice he was acting strange.I’d catch him watching me with this worried look in his eyes, or staring off into space for minutes at a time.And when he wasn’t acting weird, he was asking me about Gabby.I knew I couldn’t deal with everything on my own, and even though I trusted Sebastian, it was way too soon into whateverthiswas to burden him with my family’s betrayal.
It was time to call in reinforcements, so I picked up the phone and called Sam.
“Hey,” she answered on the third ring.
The sound of her voice forced a strange sound from my mouth, somewhere between a sob and a laugh.
“Is everything okay?”
Everything was definitelynotokay.
“Gabby’s been in touch with our mom,” I told her, and in the silence of the apartment, my words were like a deafening crack of thunder.“For over a year.And my dad knew about it the whole time.”
“Holy shit,” Sam muttered.
“This has to be connected to her depression.Nothing else makes sense, right?”
There was a long pause.Even without being able to see her, I could tell that Sam was carefully considering her response.She always blundered ahead and shared her opinions freely, so her sudden hesitancy gave me pause.
”It’s not cool that they kept this a secret from you.But maybe you should hear them out,” she said placatingly.“Maybe there’s more to the story.”
My mouth went slack.I shook my head in stunned disbelief.
“More to the story?She abandoned us, Sam.She destroyed our family, and now she’s back to do it again.”
“You haven’t spoken to her in years.Maybe things are different now.”I couldn’t understand why she was trying to reason with me, not after everything she’d witnessed when we were kids.“I’m sure Gabby just wants to know her mother.Your dad wouldn’t let them have a relationship if he didn’t trust her.”
Why was I the only one seeing logic?
“I thought you would be on my side,” I said quietly, my words barely above a whisper.It felt like my entire chest had been hollowed out.
“Being on your side doesn’t mean blindly agreeing with you.I get you’re worried, but maybe it isn’t the worst thing thatyour sister knows both of her parents.Your mom isn’t evil.She suffers from mental illness.”
Sam didn’t know what the hell she was talking about.She couldn’t possibly understand the pain of waking up in the morning to learn that your mother had left, and without a goodbye.Not everyone deserved a second chance.
“Grace, just think about it for a sec—“
Without letting her finish, and before I could say anything I’d regret, I ended the call.For a while, I sat curled on the sofa, watching asGilmore Girlsplayed across the screen without really watching.Even when my stomach started to growl in protest I stayed rooted to the spot, half listening to a fight between Paris and Rory as I tried to make sense of how Sam could defend my mother.There was no sense to find in her argument, and only once my eyes started to burn did I finally peel myself off the couch and head for the kitchen in search of something sweet to drown my sorrows in.Thankfully, Lydia’s chocolate addiction meant there was bound to be something with sugar in it lying around.I was rifling through her candy selection when a small pile of unopened mail slopped across the counter caught my eye.There was a single letter addressed to me sitting at the top of the stack, the loopy handwriting unmistakably my mother’s.That’s strange,I thought.She was more than several months early this year.My birthday wasn’t until June.
For a moment, I considered throwing the letter out.But before I could make that decision, I heard the unmistakable sound of my phone buzzing.I retrieved the device from where it’d slipped between the couch cushions and did a double take at the name flashing across the screen.It was Gabby.The message was short, only three words for me to ruminate over.
Gabs
You’re a coward
I stared down at the screen for a while, wondering if she and my mother had somehow coordinated their attacks.With a numbness spreading through my chest, I dragged myself to bed and collapsed onto the mattress.My exhaustion weighed heavily, and I fell asleep with Gabby’s three word message repeating in my head, over and over again.When Sunday morning came, I spent most of it lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and drowning myself in music.My phone was bombarded with texts from Sam and Sebastian that I pointedly chose to ignore, dead set on wallowing alone in my misery.By the afternoon, I was restless, my roommates still sleeping off their hangovers, so I pulled on some workout clothes and headed for the training center.It might have been a recovery day, but I was desperate to lose myself in a run.Campus was dead, and the training center was blissfully empty when I arrived.I put on my headphones, cranked the music, and lost myself in a sprint, one I could only hope was long enough to help me forget.
>> <<
“Grace, can you hear me?Grace!”
The sound of my name was a distant echo.I was surrounded by darkness, floating in nothing.
“She’s completely out!”
