Page 20 of Make You Wish You Were Dead
World.
Goddamnit.
Why can't I say these words? It's so easy!
Just spit them out, Jane.
Downstairs it seemed so easy. My voice sounded how it sounded years ago. It sounded like the girl who didn't have a tennis ball stuck in her throat.
I miss her. I miss how she would stand up for herself and be confident. The girl I'm staring at in the mirror looks scared and torn.
Saying that to Rowan felt good. I felt like I had control over the situation. Control over my voice which I haven't felt in a while.
My eyes make contact with myself in the mirror. I straighten my back and let out a small breath.
My teeth are against the back of my bottom lip as I try to push out the first letter of ‘fuck’. I make a little hum sound before the door to my bedroom swings open making me close my mouth and look at my door.
Rowan walks into my room, looking as powerful and confident as ever. "What are you doing?" I shake my head and he just rolls his eyes. "Whatever. Get dressed. We're going somewhere." Before I can try and argue he interrupts me saying, "And don't even try to argue with me, fawn, because we both know you can't talk right?" Rowan raises his eyebrow at me before walking out of my room.
My fist clenches and I swear I feel my eye twitch from frustration.
Don't go crazy.
Don't go crazy.
He is just a temporary matter.
I grab my jacket and then go downstairs to where Rowan is waiting by the door. Once we both get into the car he starts the engine and drives out of the parking space.
As he drives, he stretches his arm over to the stereo and turns the music up. Music starts playing and he drums his fingers lightly against the steering wheel but doesn't hum or lip-sync the words.
Throughout the car ride, Rowan and I don't talk. He acts as if nothing happened in the kitchen which I am more than okay with. I don't need him asking questions about stuff like that.
When Rowan starts to turn into a parking lot, I look up at the front window and see the familiar ice cream shop come into view. I look at Rowan but he has a straight face as he parks the car. He kills the engine and takes off his seatbelt while I stay seated, watching him.
He looks at me and raises his eyebrows. "Are you gonna come or not?"
He doesn't open his door until I take off my seatbelt.
We walk inside the ice cream shop and go straight to the counter. Behind the counter, it's the same girl that served us last time.
"Hello, again," the girl smiles at Rowan and I frown as I watch her twirl her hair with her finger. "Long time no see," she says in a low tone, trying to make her voice sound sensual.
"What flavor do you want?" Rowan ignores the girl and looks down at me.
I walk up to the ice cream window and point to the strawberry one. Rowan smirks down at me and looks at the girl. "Two scoops of strawberry in a cup and two scoops of cookies and cream in another." Rowan walks to the register and leans against the counter before looking at me. "Go sit at one of the tables." When I don't move he narrows his eyes at me. "Go sit your ass at one of the tables, fawn, before I make you," Rowan says to me as he gives me a dark look.
I clench my fists and walk over to the table. I sit down and face Rowan. When the girl from behind the counter comes up to the register, Rowan turns around and faces the girl.
My eyes zoom in on the girl's name tag and it says, ‘Jill’.
Jill smiles up at Rowan as she places the ice cream on the counter. "Ten twenty-five is your total. I gave you guys a little discount. My treat," Jill winks at Rowan and I feel my stomach churn.
Stop.
Rowan throws a fifty-dollar bill on the counter in front of her and says, "Keep the change." He grabs the ice cream cups and walks over to the table I'm sitting at. "Here," Rowan slides the ice cream to me and then sits down in front of me on the other side of the table. He puts his ice cream and spoon in front of him and just stares straight ahead at me. I ignore the heat of his stare and pick up my spoon to start scooping the ice cream. "I don't understand you," Rowan says once I put a spoonful of ice cream in my mouth. The strawberry-flavored ice cream melts on my tongue as I wait for him to further explain. "You want to talk. I know you do."
I put my spoon down."How?"I sign.
