Page 50 of Beautifully Used
“I doubt that. Gabrielle,” she looked at me, “I’m falling for you. Falling hard. There’s nothing you can say that will change that.”
“It might.”
I shook my head. “Please. Let me in.”
“When I was about ten, my mom used to leave me with the neighbors when she went to work. It was only for a short time during those years when she was single. After she married Kurt, my stepfather, she didn’t have to work anymore because he… well, he had plenty of money. We moved to Pacific Beach shortly after.”
I almost wanted to stop her. I had a sense of where this was going, and I wanted to just hold her and make her feel loved and safe, but I knew she had to get it out or we’d be stuck with this vast empty hole between us.
“The neighbor boy, Thomas, and I were friends. He was a little older than me. He was thirteen, but we’d known each other almost our entire lives. Since we lived next door to each other, we played a lot as kids. One day we were in the backyard of his house and we were wrestling for the hammock. It was my turn, but he wanted more time on it. He yanked me off and I fell to the ground, rolling down the bank close to the creek. He followed after me. Maybe he slipped too, I don’t remember, but he fell on top of me and his hand landed on my crotch. I’d been wearing a dress that was up around my waist from the fall, so there were only my panties there. As he realized where his hand was and the fact that he was on top of me, he decided to explore further. He stuck his fingers inside of me. I told him to stop, but he wouldn’t. He said he could tell I liked it. I didn’t think I did, but I let him do it anyway since he was on top of me and I couldn’t move. At the time, I wasn’t even sure what he was doing. After a few minutes, he stopped and told me not to tell anyone. Then he let me up and I ran home. I looked up what he had done to me on the Internet and didn’t think we were old enough to be doing that. I thought I was bad for letting him, so I didn’t want to tell anyone.
“The next day, when I went to his house while my mom worked, I stayed inside close to his mom the entire time. I didn’t want to go out and play. I didn’t want to be alone with Thomas, so I told him I didn’t want to go outside. I told him I didn’t feel well. Weeks went by and he left me alone. One day at his house the electricity was off. Someone had hit a pole down the block, and the entire court was out. It was hot in the house without air conditioning, and the only cool place was outside in the shade. His mom went next door to talk to the neighbors and see if they’d heard how long the electricity would be out, leaving us outside, thinking we were having fun playing. Thomas grabbed me and pulled me down the bank again. He said he wanted to show me something. When we got there, I realized he had a kitten in one of those have-a-heart traps people use to catch wild animals in. It was adorable. A little black and white kitten and I wanted to let it out and pet it. He took the kitten out but wouldn’t let me have it. When the kitten scratched him, he cursed and held it by its little neck and took it to the creek, holding it under water. I screamed at him to stop and pulled on his arm, but he wouldn’t budge. It seemed like the poor thing struggled and splashed around forever until it finally went limp. I cried and asked him how he could do such a thing. He laughed and told me to stop crying. He said that he wanted to feel me again like before, and that if I didn’t let him or told anyone he would hurt my dog the same way he had the cat. After that, every time I went over there he used me. This went on for about two years, I think. He became obsessed with sex, and every chance he got, he used me to get off. He would jerk off all over himself and sometimes me. I guess that’s why I freaked out about the milkshake being on your chest. It reminded me of when he … ejaculated.”
I had to ask because I needed to hear the entire story.
“Did he ever have intercourse with you?”
“No. I told you the truth about being a virgin. At least when it came to that.”
I took her in my arms, caressing her gently. “Thank you for telling me.”
“Do you hate me now?”
“Hate you?” I lifted her chin up with my finger until her eyes met mine. “Gabrielle, I love you.”
“You love me?” The shock in her voice made me laugh, though it shouldn’t have. Though I would rather have her tell me that she loved me, as well.
“I do,” I admitted shamelessly. “I think I have for a while now. I just didn’t know it. But hearing your story made me realize that’s the reason I stopped being the asshole I’d been, treating women like they were nothing more than a toy. Using them, letting them use me. There was never any emotion. So, no. I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. You’ve been used. You may be a beautifully used soul, Gabrielle, but I love you just the same. You were a child, and he frightened you into letting him do those things. You don’t have anything to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong.”
“I always thought I had. I was a good girl. He stole that from me.”
“No, he didn’t. You were never bad. You never stopped being good. He used you and molested you. He was older and took advantage of your age, your size, and he threatened you.”
“I think we’ve both been used,” she added, bringing the subject back around to me, and I felt her shoulders relax a bit in my arms.
“It’s a little different. You had no choice. He’d threatened those you loved, and by extension, you.”
“You were suffering emotionally,” she argued.
“I suppose I was. It took you to juggle me free.”
“Brodie?”
“Yeah.”
“I think I love you, too.”
“You think?”
“Yeah. I think.” She giggled at that.
“I guess that’ll have to do. Thanks for letting me inside your head and telling me about what happened. I know that must have been hard for you.”
“Thanks for making me tell you that horrible story. It suddenly doesn’t mean as much anymore. I mean the magnitude of it. It’s always been back there, lurking in my mind. Maybe it always will, but now I don’t think it’s going to have as huge of an impact on the way I feel about things anymore. Now that it’s out and I’ve spoken the words, maybe it won’t be so hard to move on.”
Chapter 40
Gabrielle
