Page 275 of Mountain Grump

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Of last night.

My phone keeps blaring, and I finally shove my hand in my pocket.

I fell asleep fully dressed. On top of my blankets. In a bed that Tilda has never slept in.

Silencing my alarm, I stare at my phone.

I’ve never called in sick to work for emotional reasons. But as I work to swallow down my despair, I’m tempted.

It would be warranted.

But… I can’t sit here all day.

Can’t stand to sit with myself all fucking day.

I drag myself out of bed and strip on my way to the bathroom. A trail of laundry behind me.

I know my own motives.

IknowI wasn’t with Matilda for the fucking money.

But what I know doesn’t mean shit.

I need her to know.

IneedTilda to understand.

And I’m not sure how to accomplish that.

I squint against the light as I turn it on.

And I avoid my reflection in the mirror as I start the shower.

But I don’t avoid my thoughts.

I’ve earned every bad feeling I have.

I’ve earned them. But I’ll find a way to make up for them.

I’ll find a way to prove to Tilda that I love her.

That I…

I brace my hands on the edge of the sink as I gasp for breath.

I love her. So much.

I was going to tell you I love you.

But I found the letter instead.

The pain threatens to take me to my knees.

Because shelovedme too.

She was going to tell me today.

I was going to spend this morning hearing the words I’ve wanted to hear for so long.

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