Page 39 of Now or Never
He smiled. “That’s true enough. Maybe I needed to hear it as well, because I need to be reminded what’s true regardless of the circumstances.”
“We all do. Things are fine when life is peaceful and happy,” Jesse Lee said. “What counts is what you do when the storm comes. You two have faced plenty, together and apart. Those are the times when your faith is solidified. When you get to choose to stand on what you believe regardless of what’s happening around you, or if you feel Him close.”
“But I didn’t do that,” she said. “Which is why I feel like I…failed.”
“We fight against an enemy we can’t see. Not just all the visible ones you face.” Jesse Lee flipped open his Bible and ruffled the pages. “And it’s a slap in the face to the enemy when we repent and admit we can’t do it without God’s help. We do fail. All of us. Every day, we come up short. But keeping us in our guilt and shame is his biggest tactic. Because we can’t get up off the floor if we feel like we deserve to be down there.”
Kenna had felt the weight of what happened, more than just the trauma in her heart and mind. She had been carrying around the burden of guilt that she wasn’t supposed to carry.
Jesse Lee bent his head to the page. “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.” He looked up. “We’re all a work in progress, no matter where we’re at or what we’re going through. How we failed. If we’re currently thinking we’re a success.” He smiled. “We all need to get on our knees, literally or figuratively, and put our lives back on the right track.”
Kenna wound her arm around Jax’s elbow and laced their fingers together. She leaned her head on his shoulder. “I need to do that. I need to pray.”
Not only did she need to repent and allow God to take the guilt she’d been carrying, but she needed Him to flood her life with His love. It was the one thing that was going to give her the peace she so desperately needed.
She had to cling to Him until this was over and forever after that.
It was the only way they were going to survive.
Chapter Sixteen
“Give it to me, I just want to smell it.” Kenna reached for his coffee cup.
Jax burst out laughing. “I guess I don’t have to ask if you’re okay this morning. Or better. You seem more…you.”
“Because I want to smell your caffeine?”
He grinned, pulling into the parking lot with one hand on the wheel and holding his mug out of her reach with the other. “Drink your decaf.”
“You’re mean.” She didn’t mean that, and they both knew it.
Out the passenger-side window, she looked at the three-story building. White exterior, long walls of windows on each floor. The kind of generic office space any company could rent. Or a government-funded group doing something or other the nature of which Maizie hadn’t quite figured out yet.
Kenna did feel a whole lot better today than she had the day before, prior to going to meet Jax’s old friend. They’d spent a chunk of time in prayer, talking through her experience and how it worked to get back “on track” with the Lord, as he’d called it.
What she didn’t like was how it’d seemed as if her faith might’ve been just a shallow thing in the two years since she became a Christian. That she hadn’t dug in as much as shecould’ve or developed a solid enough foundation to withstand being in captivity. Jesse Lee and Jax had both told her that her loss of faith was an entirely human reaction to what’d happened, and that a lot of people would’ve reacted the same in a situation like that.
She was trying to give herself more grace about it, at least. To not get sucked under with what she “should’ve” done or blame herself for the failure to keep hold of her faith.
To simply take the next right step and keep moving forward, being who she wanted to be.
“This is it?” She pointed to the office building.
“This is the address Maizie gave us.”
“I need to stretch.” She pushed her door open.
It was barely past eight in the morning, but with DC area traffic, it had taken over an hour to get here from their campsite. The other residents in the RV park had been starting to wake up, an older couple out walking their tiny dog around the rows and lanes. Just looking at the empty pool made her cold and this empty parking lot was no different.
Kenna tucked her heavy coat around her. She was glad for a season of not having to worry so much about her health, but the reason why wasn’t a good one. Being the subject of medical research wasn’t something she’d had on her bucket list, but at least they hadn’t been trying to correct an issue. It had all been about gathering information on her progress, and the baby’s growth.
She shut the door and leaned against it, scanning the industrial area while Jax came around the hood of the car. She dialed Maizie and held the phone in front of both of them, the audible sound of ringing coming through the speaker on the bottom of the phone.
“Hey.” The young woman sounded breathy.
“Everything good?” Kenna frowned. All Maizie had sent so far was an address she’d managed to gather from the information in the packet they’d been given the password for.
“We got a warning about a wildfire a few miles west of here. We’re supposed to be getting ready to go, but depending on what happens, they might upgrade us to go now or downgrade us because it changed direction or they squashed it.”
