Page 98 of The Duke's Impossible Deal
“Really?” Martha arched an eyebrow. “I can think of one reason or two.”
Tobias frowned. “Such as?”
“Love.”
He scoffed. “Love has nothing to do with this.”
“I think it has everything to do with this, Tobias.” Martha hesitated and then nodded, as though coming to a decision. “If you love her, that is more than enough reason for you to stay married. Especially if she loves you as well.”
“I have no idea how she feels about me, so the point is moot.” Tobias drummed his fingers against his thigh.
Martha hesitated, and after a few moments, she said, “You told me that you considered me your sister-in-law, and in truth, I feel the same about you. I have never seen you like this—you are utterly wretched.”
“Thanks, that is just what I needed to hear,” he said sarcastically, folding his arms over his chest.
Martha ignored him. “You look like a man who has had his heart broken.”
That is because I am heartbroken.
“If she is happy, whether my heart is broken or not is inconsequential. None of this matters.”
“It does matter, Tobias. It matters a great deal.” Martha leaned towards him and took his hand. “I loved your brother more than I will ever love another soul. When he died, it felt like the sun had been stolen from me. Like life itself should stop.
“When I lost Eric, I was furious at the world. I lashed out, and I was unkind. I could not bear to be happy because it felt like some kind of cruel joke. How could the world keep turning when the light of my life had been snuffed out of it? I pushed everyone away with my anger.”
Tobias watched as her eyes flitted to Eric’s portrait, and saw tears form.
“But it only made everything worse. I became the worst version of myself, and when Erica was born, I realized that I could not carry on as I had. My anger nearly cost Lady Adele her life. My grief controlled me, and I let it.” Martha stroked Erica’s head softly. “I feared that if I stopped grieving, if I stopped being angry even for a minute, then I would lose what small piece of Eric I still had left. But I was wrong.”
Tobias felt his chest constrict as the fragments of his heart tumbled around his chest. He wanted to say something to her, to comfort her. After all, he understood her pain. But his words failed him.
“Eric does not live in my grief.” Martha smiled and touched a hand to her chest. “He lives here, in my heart. And he lives in Erica. My grief lets me know that I loved him, but I do not need it to keep hold of him.”
“What are you saying?” Tobias rubbed his temples with his knuckles.
“That you are allowed to be happy, Tobias. I can see that you are doing what I did, but directing it at yourself. You put all that anger and frustration inside. I have watched you do it. The only time I have ever seen that change is when you are playing with Erica, and even then, it has only been fleeting.” She took his hand and squeezed it gently. “But the longer Rowen has been here, the more you have come alive. You have laughed longer and louder.”
“But the pain is still there.” Tobias gestured to the painting on the wall. “I still feel his loss every day. He is gone.”
And so is she.
How could Rowen’s loss hurt like Eric’s? How could they tear his heart into pieces in different ways?
What is wrong with me?
“I know. And hurting yourself will not bring him back. The remedy for your pain is not to wallow in it, nor to ignore it. The true remedy is love. It is filling your life with love and happiness and all the joy that makes these precious days worth living.” Martha’s eyes lit up. “That is what you deserve.”
“I do not know what I deserve. Eric was the one who deserved all of this.” Tobias gestured around them, at the furniture, at Erica. “He should have had a family. This was his life to live, not mine.”
“And yet you are the one who is here, not him. He would not have wanted you to punish yourself simply because you lived and he did not.” Martha moved towards the portrait, her smile small, full of unspoken memories. “That was not the kind of man he was.”
“I do not want to turn into my father.” Tobias swallowed. “I do not want to be a monster. I do not want to force Rowen into a life she does not want. How can I do that to her?”
“And how do you know she does not want this? Have you asked her?” Martha folded her arms over her chest.
“I… No… But it does not matter. What’s done is done, and I have already hurt her. I do not want to hurt her anymore.” Tobias ran a hand through his hair and let out a growl of frustration. “It is better this way. Better that she is free. She has already known enough pain without me adding to it.”
“Tobias, you cannot make that decision for her.”
