Page 55 of The Duke's Impossible Deal
In his mind, he heard Eric’s laughter again. He could see his brother, his nose buried in a book, his green eyes crinkling at the corners, and a warm smile playing on his lips. All those moments Tobias had had with his niece should have been his brother’s.
“When you laugh genuinely, you do. Like when we saw that man in the furniture shop.” Rowen’s fingers twitched, and for a moment, Tobias thought she was reaching for his hand.
It is just a trick of the light.
“He and your brother were amongst the best men I knew. Yet they are gone, and I am not.” Tobias rubbed a hand over his face, feeling the hint of stubble beneath his fingertips.
I was the one who went to war, yet by some foul twist of fate, I was spared, not them.
Tobias looked out the window, watching the swirling snowflakes settle over London. “I thought that if I got rid of everything, the ghost of what might have been would cease to haunt me. Without all of his things, perhaps I would not see him growing old, surrounded by grandchildren. Perhaps I would not lose myself in thoughts of what he might have dreamed.”
“It is hard not to lose ourselves in what might have been.” Rowen’s voice was soft as she moved to stand beside him.
Tobias did not move away from her, but he could not bring himself to look at her either. He did not want to see the pity in her eyes. Or worse, the sympathy.
I do not deserve it.
“Even though the emptiness made it worse, I could not quite bring myself to fill the house. It felt like I was replacing him.” Tobias looked around the room. “And I suppose in some ways, we have.”
“There is still some of him.” Rowen gave him a gentle smile as she walked to the bookshelf and plucked one of the freshly bound volumes off it.
He raised an eyebrow as she handed it to him. He opened it and leafed through the pages. His lips curled into a smile as he saw Eric’s familiar, untidy scrawl all over the book.
“I thought you would have replaced all of these.” He ran a finger over the notes. “You can barely read them.”
“I did not want to. It is a piece of him, and I did not think you would want to lose it.” She wrinkled her nose, the corner of her lips quirking up. “Though I do not know that I agree with all of his notes, particularly the ones in the history plays.”
“I am impressed you could read them. His notes were always in his worst hand, but if the writing was intended for others, it was pristine.” Tobias chuckled.
“I have read worse. Cora’s penmanship is divine, but Verity’s always looks as though a spider has fallen in ink and then had a fit on the paper.” Rowen shook her head.
Tobias turned the book over in his hand and realized that it was a children’s book. His chest tightened, and he could hear Eric’s voice in his head.
Did you plan to read this to your children?
“He would have been a wonderful father. When we were boys, he used to read to me. And then, when I grew up, he used to have me read to him. He said it would help with my elocution, but I think he just wanted a reprieve from his duties as the heir.” Tobias sighed.
“And did he make you do voices for all the characters?” Rowen asked.
“Of course.” Tobias nodded. “Though I do not think I was as good as he was.”
“Well, now I want you to read to me. I cannot imagine you doing silly voices.” Rowen’s smile grew.
“Perhaps.” Tobias gave her a sidelong look. “But what will I get in return?”
Rowen gave him an impish grin. “That depends on how good your voices are.”
“I suppose you will have to see.” Tobias canted his head towards her as he rested his hands on the windowsill and stood beside her.
There was a faint flush on her cheeks, and her smile seemed to add warmth to the room. Their eyes met, and he realized that her fingers were mere inches from his own.
For a moment, he was sure she would reach for him. A part of him knew that he should move, that he should slip into the numbness that felt both foreign and welcoming, but he could not quite manage it.
Her fingers twitched. His heart stuttered. The grandfather clock in the corner chimed four o’clock.
Rowen stepped away from him. “I should get changed for dinner.”
“Of course.” There was a beat of silence. “I will have Cook bring mine to the study. I have work to do, and I have let myself get too distracted by your handiwork.”
