Page 99 of The Vacation Mix-Up
I stare at the urn on my lap. “Pancreatic cancer. She was gone within months.”
“Jesus,” he says on an exhale.
“It all happened so fast. One minute, she was happy and healthy, and the next, she was tremendously sick and then… gone.” I burst into tears again. “Sorry. I’m hanging on by a thread.”
“Don’t apologize for your grief, Riles. You’ll always be coming to terms with it. Then, now, next month… ten years from now. Grief doesn’t have a time limit; it lasts forever.”
I blink up at him and nod.
“Losing someone you love is the hardest thing you’ll ever endure. That type of pain is brutal.”
I wipe my face. “Tell me about it. She wasn’t just my mother; she was also my best friend.”
“Dad was my best friend too, so I know how you feel.”
I angle toward him. “I don’t think you do. I mean, I know you know how losing a parent feels, and I’m in no way measuring your grief against mine, but… you have your mother, Veronica, and Poppy. I have no one. Just an empty apartment and a job I now resent.”
He gently squeezes my arm. “I get it.”
“Do you?”
“Yeah, Riles.”
“I’m just so… lonely. And mad.” Fury bubbles to the surface of my skin, blistering before bursting. “I’ve spent years dedicated tomeandmyfuture, working my ass off to please Georgia and get ahead. Years I should’ve spent appreciating Mom. And what’s worse, Mom knew what I was doing, and she supported me… for the most part. She never complained when I didn’t make it home for dinner, never got angry when I canceled things we planned to do together. She just smiled and said, ‘I’m so proud of you,’ even though she wanted me to experience and enjoy life beyond my path to success.” I grip the urn, my fingers trembling. “She bought me this cruise ticket… on her damn deathbed. She begged me to leave New York and see the world, knowing I’d never do it of my own accord. And she was right. I wouldn’t have, because I’m a fucking workaholic.”
“Don’t,” he says, voice harsh.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t punishyourself.”
“Why not? I deserve it.”
“Would your mom agree?”
I stare at him, knowing she wouldn’t, my throat hoarse when I say, “No.”
“Then don’t do it. For her. This is your chance to give her what you think you didn’t when she was alive.”
“I don’t think, Riley; I know. She wanted so much more for me, and I dismissed it because I thought I knew better. So, yeah… IknowI didn’t give her what she wanted when she was alive. I know it to my core.”
“Well, you can give it to hernow. You’re seeing the world like she wanted you to, and you should do it without punishing yourself. She wouldn’t want that—you said so yourself. So stop being selfish.”
I recoil. “Selfish?”
“Yeah.”
“How is regret selfish?”
“Because your mother didn’t want you to feel regret. That’s why. So stop. Forgive yourself for what you think you didn’t give her, and respect her wishes. Be kinder to yourself, Riles.”
“Respect her wishes?” I laugh sardonically. “Want to know what one of her wishes was? To sprinkle her ashes in the Atlantic.” I glance out the window at the murky ocean beneath the murky sky. “I don’t want to. I want to keep her, with me. Always.” I scoff. “You’re right. I am selfish.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“It’s true though. I am.”
“You’re not.”
