Page 178 of Unspoken Words
Ellie tried to smile but burst into tears instead. “It’s too soon, Connor. She’s gonna need help breathing and feeding.”
The smile I’d forced onto my face broke as well. “I know, baby.”
“I just … I don’t know if this is the right decision.”
Ellie’s stress levels had climbed ever since she’d agreed to an early C-section. As had mine, because it was imperative that we keep her calm—a next to impossible task.
Sitting by her bedside, watching her sob, wring her hands together, caress her belly, sob some more, and take deep breaths was destroying every bit of me. I wanted to scream, shout, or break something, but, mostly, I wanted nothing more than to easehermind, helpherrelax and breathe, and to conserve her strength for what was to come in mere hours. But I knew there was nothing I could do or say to alleviate her dread and kill her fear of the unknown. That didn’t mean I wouldn’t try though.
“Do you want to watch a movie?” I asked, reaching for the remote.
“No thanks.”
“How ‘bout read a book?” I pulled open her bedside drawer.
“No. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate enough.”
“You need to try and focus on something other than the Caesarean, Ellie. Anything.”
“That’s easier said than done.”
“I know, but—”
“No, you don’t. You don’t know how to ignore that your decision to prevent something life threatening will inevitably threaten the life of your unborn child. You don’t know the pain that causes me.”
“No, I don’t. But I do know the pain it causes me. And although it’s not the same, it’s still there.”
Ellie didn’t answer. She just turned her head away from me and gazed out of the window.
“You’re both gonna be okay, baby.”
“You don’t know that. I could die tomorrow. Christina could die tomorrow, or she could get sick and suffer.” She turned back to face me, her eyes red and angered. “No, shewillsuffer not ‘could’. Connor, she’s gonna suffer.”
“Shh, come here.” I climbed onto the bed and pulled her into my arms. “You need to calm down.”
“I can’t. I’m so scared. I’ve never been this terrified in all my life.”
“I know. I’m terrified too.” I held her tighter but not too tight. “We’re allowed to be scared. Even the bravest person gets scared.”
“I’m not brave. I’m a broken mess.”
I scoffed. “I know all about being a broken mess. Seems I’ve been there a few times already. But you know what, if I’ve learned anything from it, it’s that a part of being brave is to completely drop your shield and fall to your knees, because only then can you pick yourself up again and discover what true bravery is. You’ve got to be weak to be strong, and you’ve got to break to know you can be put back together again. To be brave is to be broken, Ellie.” I kissed her head. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. Breathe. You’ve got this.”
“I can’t lose her, Connor.”
“We won’t. She’s strong, like her mother.”
Ellie choked back a sob. “And stubborn like her father.”
Rubbing her shoulders, I waited several minutes for her crying to ease and her body to relax. “I bet she comes out wearing a bow.”
Ellie let out a small giggle and it filled me with warmth.
“Or dancing like Madonna.”
“Stop it.” She sniffled and laughed some more.
“What? I’m serious.”
