Page 2 of Plight
Private Message from Elliot Parker:
Miss Danielle Cunningham
RE: Contractual Obligation
I am writing with respect to a binding contract made between you and I on 7 May 1995 behind the lemon tree at the premises of 23 Cassia Place, Coldstream, also known as your childhood home.
It was on that date that you accepted my offer of marriage, which, according to your terms and conditions was to commence twenty-two years from said date.
Under the Australian Competition and Consumer Law Act 2010, this offer, acceptance, and agreed upon terms constitutes a legally binding contract; therefore, I’d like to arrange a date and time to meet in person to discuss the details of our pending nuptials.
Kind regards,
Elliot Parker
What. The. Actual. Fuck?
That was the private message I’d received on Facebook two days ago from Elliot, aka ‘Lots’ (my nickname for him when we were kids) Parker. We hadn’t so much as spoken to each other in seventeen years when he moved houses and we went our separate ways, so his message had come out of nowhere.
NOWHERE.
Anyway, this was my reply:
Danielle:
Bahaha. LOTS! Hi! Wow! I think your memory is exemplary. How are you? Long time no hear. What have you been up to all these years?
As any normal person would, I’d taken his little legal spiel as a joke, because who writes something like that in a Facebook message and expected anyone to think it was legit? Him, apparently.
Elliot:
In preparation for becoming your husband, I completed a Bachelor of Law and am now partner at a firm in the CBD. How are you? Ready to tie the knot?
Danielle:
You did all of that for me? I’m utterly speechless, lol.
Jokes aside, Elliot, that’s wonderful. Really wonderful. Sounds like all your hard work has paid off. Good on you.
Am I ready to tie the knot? NO! Living the happy single life. What about you? Married? Kids?
Elliot:
I promise you’ll live a happy married life, too. And, no, of course I’m not married. How can I marry you if I’m already betrothed to another?
Kids? No. Although, we probably should’ve discussed whether we wanted any twenty-two years ago.
By that stage, his quirkiness had started to morph into you-can-stop-with-the-whole-marriage-bullshit. It was overkill. Weird. Then again, Elliot had always been, flamboyant, eccentric and overly dramatic. As kids, that was kinda cool. As an adult, not so much.
Danielle:
You’re not going to hold me to this ‘oral contractual agreement’, right? I mean … I digested the engagement ring, lol, so the agreement must be void.
At the very least, I expected an LOL back — my joke was funny — but I didn’t get one. Not even a laughing tears emoji.
Elliot:
The digestion of your engagement ring does not void our contract. The ring is merely decorative symbolism.
