Page 155 of Pretend You Love Me
I talked with my therapist about running into you. She agreed I was a selfish dickhead.
Kip
I laugh again. “Sounds like you have a good therapist.”
He grins. “I do.”
Brooklyn,
I saw in the news that both of your sisters-in-law had their babies over Thanksgiving. I bet that was a fun holiday. Congratulations. I’m sure you’re already a great aunt. I know how much children love you. I wish I could see you with them. Sometimes I wonder if you want children someday, but it’s too painful to think about because you’re not mine, and I’m not sure you ever will be.
Kip
We hold eye contact for a moment, and then he sighs. “I didn’t even think about how we threw out the condom rule. I should have made sure you were okay. I came inside you like twenty times in one weekend.”
“I’ve never done that before. I’m always so responsible.”
“I’m glad,” he interrupts. “I’m glad it happened. I know you like to plan things, but I’m glad it happened this way.”
He looks down at the next letter, sighs, and takes another sip of his water before continuing.
Brooklyn,
My dad died of a heart attack six years ago. My marriage fell apart shortly after. Kendall and I met right after college. She was everything I thought I wanted in a wife. In hindsight, there were some red flags, but I ignored them. I was in love – nothing else mattered. I couldn’t wait to marry her. We were happy at first - really happy. We were poor. I worked constantly and hadn’t sold any of my writing, but we were happy.
Things changed when the money started coming in, and the fame that followed. She changed or maybe she didn’t change. Maybe I just didn’t see who she really was until it was too late? She was obsessed with money and obsessed with the new social status it gave her. She wanted it all – the house in the right neighborhood, the social clubs, the vacation home. Then she started getting all kinds of cosmetic procedures. She seemed to want to change everything about herself. I couldn’t understand why. I’d fallen in love with her just the way she was. She didn’t need to change a thing.
I traveled a lot and worked a lot. She grew distance. We stopped having sex. We stopped spending any time together. She found someone else to spend time with. I came home early from a business trip and found her in bed with her tennis coach. I fell apart for a bit - drinking too much, isolating myself.
Hawk kept calling me to tell me things weren’t right with Mom. My sister, Harper, had been caring for her after Dad died. I offered to pay for nurses to come in, but I didn’t have time to arrange anything. I didn’t have time to come.I was too wrapped up in my own troubles – obsessed with the dissolution of my marriage.
Hawk finally insisted that I come home - see for myself, help come up with some solutions. By this time, Mom had declined so much, I hardly recognized her. Physically she was fragile, but mentally, she was gone. Mom had always been the smartest person in the room. She didn’t recognize me at all. Caring for her had taken its toll on Harper. Once I saw how bad things had gotten, I agreed to stay in the cabin - help out to give her a break.
I wasn’t even there a week when Harper didn’t come downstairs at breakfast. She didn’t come down for lunch either. I went upstairs to find her. She’d overdosed. I’ll never forget opening the door to her room and finding her. I don’t know if it was intentional or not. We’ll never know. She’d had some mental health problems in the past – some substance abuse issues as well. I thought they were behind her. Like too many things, I made assumptions and ignored problems that should have been obvious.
Hawk blamed me. He said I should have come home sooner. I should have found more ways to help out. He’s not wrong. I should have...I should have listened to Hawk. I should have checked in more with Harper. I should have made sure that Mom was taken care of. I was too wrapped up in my own damn problems.
Hawk wanted nothing to do with me after Harper died, and I don’t blame him. I deserved to be alone – unhappy. I stayed to care for mom. I brought in round the clock care for her, but even still, we eventually had to move her to a home. I know she really wanted to die at home, but there was no way. I’ve always felt guilty about it.
I stopped writing when Harper died. I stopped living, really. I stayed in the cabin, trying to write unsuccessfully every day. I worked at the restaurant although I’m not sure they ever needed me. I told myself I was helping out - helping Hawk. I think I would have lived forever that way if you hadn’t crashed into my life. Whatever happens, I’m thankful for you. I’m thankful for our time together.
Kip
I move, kneeling in front of his chair. He sets the letters on the coffee table and takes my hand.
I look up at him. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you everything.”
I squeeze his hand. I’ve lived through enough trauma to know that you have to be ready to face it.
“I have one more thing to show you.” He nods for me to sit back on the couch. He pulls a book out of the box and sits beside me.
“Here,” he holds it out.
“What is it?” I take it in my hands.
“My newest book. I got you an advanced copy.”
