Page 154 of Pretend You Love Me
Kip
Still looking down, he moves on to the next.
Brooklyn,
I was a dick to you when I saw you in D.C. I probably ended anything that could have ever started again between us by being a jealous asshole. We aren’t together. You don’t owe me anything. I treated you horribly. I’m sorry. I had no right. I wish I could take back the words I said. I couldn't believe how much it hurt to see you with someone else. It felt worse than a death. I wanted you to feel as badly as I did. It was wrong. I’m ashamed of the things I said. I’m ashamed of the way I acted. I know words alone can’t fix things, but I’m sorry.
Kip
“Kip...”
“Just wait. I need to finish this part.”
Brooklyn,
I can’t stop thinking about all the awful things I said to you last week. They just play over and over again in my head. I wanted to hurt you because you hurt me, but once I saw how much my words actually hurt you, I felt sick. Seeing you in pain was so much worse than seeing you with someone else, and I didn’t think it was possible for anything to be worse than that. I never want to hurt you. I never want to cause you pain. I know I have work to do. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Kip
He looks up. “I’m so sorry.”
“You already apologized.”
His eyes are pleading. “You never forgave me.”
He’s right. I didn’t.
“I do now.”
Relief washes over his face. “Really? I don’t deserve it.”
“You don’t, but I’m giving it.”
His mouth turns up, and his eyes crinkles around the edges in a way that makes me melt.“Thank you.”
He looks back down and continues.
Brooklyn,
I had dinner with Hawk again. We talked football like normal people. I haven’t had a normal conversation with him in over a decade. It felt good.
The truth about me and Hawk isn’t complicated. There was no one event that ended things. It was a death by a thousand cuts. I imagine it started before we were even out of diapers.
Hawk is less than a year younger than me. My father always pitted us against each other. Everything was a competition for his approval. He figured I was the smart one, and Hawk was the athletic one early on. Whenever Hawk would bring home a bad grade he’d hold up something of mine. Why can’t you be more like your brother? Why are you so stupid? Whenever I’d strike out in baseball, he’d pull me aside and point out Hawk had two home runs last week. Why was I such a pussy? And on and on.
The resentment and bitterness grew between us because the truth was neither of us would ever win my father’s approval no matter what we did. He’d smack us around, but he never beat us. He wasn’t a drunk, but he wasn’t loving. He thought we needed to be tough. The world was a hard place, and we needed to be prepared.
Things escalated between me and Hawk around the time my sister and mom died. I’m not ready to get into that now.
Kip
“I’m sorry.”
“It won’t ever be like that for...” he nods toward my stomach.
“I know,” I say softly.
Brooklyn,
