Page 18 of Her Dark Mafia Protector
After all this time, and all these thoughts, I’ve never actuallytouchedhim. It makes everything feel so much morereal, less like a dream or a faded illusion in my head, as I feel his hand grip the small of my back and his tongue push between my parted lips to meet with mine.
He tastes like heartbreak and longing, perhaps belonging to both of us. And even though I know I should pull away, Idon’t.
Conflicted feelings whirl around me as I twist my hand against his shirt, clenching the fabric in a small fist to keep myself from feeling as if I’llimplodewith desire. Every night since I was a teenager, this man has invaded my waking and sleeping hours. Thoughts of him have become a legend in my mind, for all the wrong reasons. And now, the monster of the Ghost that I’ve created in my head is suddenly themanthat my heart wants. My usual clear-headed, pragmatic way of approaching things, the psychological profiler portion of my brain, has completely turned off. Now, I’m acting on impulse and pure, unbridledpassiononly.
If the kiss is any reflection of how Nico is feeling, then it sure as hell seems like he is feeling the same inner turmoil that I am. It’s not a soft embrace, or a gentle pressing of our lips—it’s an almostprimalgnashing of teeth and thrashing of heads as our hands grasp everywhere that we can lay claim to each other’s bodies. It feels as if my chest is going to burst with yearning and as if mylungs will collapse under the sheer weight of it all as I try to catch my breath.
The kiss feels as if it lasts forever, and also not nearly long enough. But then, my fantasy is suddenly pierced by reality as a single image invades my brain—the sight of Nico that night, crouched down beside the dumpster in the shadows, and the sound of my mother’s laughter right before her killer stepped out of the dark to shoot her.
My senses overload instantly, and I feel as if I might short-circuit, or at least, have a total panic attack. I put the palms of both of my hands flat against his chest and push Nico away.
As soon as he feels my resistance, he lets me go, staring in shock, chest heaving, his eyes wide and crystalline blue. He doesn’t say a word. He simply waits to see what I’m going to do next.
Here, standing in this kitchen with just the two of us alone in the desert and no one around for miles, things feel different. But that doesn’t change who this man is. It doesn’t wipe his ledger clean, and it doesn’t undo anything that's happened. And suddenly, the mix of all my emotions and the turmoil within me that wrestles between wanting Nico and wanting tohatehim, is too much to bear. I feel myself breaking down into hysteria, and there’s no way for me to stop it. I’ve kept my emotions bottled up and in check for so long that I have no idea what to do with them now that they are pouring out like a rushing river of uncontrolled feelings. Embracing emotional vulnerability and letting myselftrustare two things that I’ve resisted ever since that fateful night.
What if this is all a game to him? What if he lured me out here for this very reason, to distract me from searching for the truth? Perhaps the Ghost is shutting me down because I was gettingtoo close to finding something out? Panic sets in when I realize how easily I let myself be blinded by desire instead of staying levelheaded and alert. This whole thing, and all this time, might have just been one big game that the Ghost has been playing with my life.
“What if it wasyou?” I ask him as I take a few steps back, holding my hand to my chest as if I can force it to stop pounding against my ribcage. It’s loud enough for me to hear it in my ears, and I wonder if he can hear it beating out of control, too.
“What are you talking about?” he asks, looking equally as disheveled and disarmed as I feel.
“What ifyouare the man behind my mother’s death, and your presence in the alley that night was just a diversion to keep me from ever figuring that out?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. You know that’s not true. You saw the other man shoot your mother just as much as I did,” he says, sounding exasperated. “And you saw me shoot him as soon as he did it.”
“Yes, but maybe he was working for you,” I say as I follow my railing thoughts to a conclusion.
“Why would I have killed one of my own men if that was the case? Come on, Elle, you’re smarter than this. You’re letting your emotions cloud your judgement.”
“I doubt you would even blink an eye at killing a man whom you hired to complete a task for you. You could have staged the whole thing that night.” The more accusations I hurl at him, the more I feel myself trying to create emotional distance from Nico so that I don’t let down my guard with him again.
“That doesn’t make any sense, and you know it,” he says with a furrowed brow. “Think, Elle. You’ve been profiling me for years; you’ve got a whole character assessment of me strung up on the wall of your home office. Does it fit with your narrative thatIwould have been the one to want your mother dead?”
I shake my head because now I’m feeling overwhelmed and confused. He’s right. It doesn’t fit with the criminal profile I spent so much time compiling of the Ghost.
I rub my temples with my fingers and try to think straight. I wasn’t expecting any of this to happen.
“Why did you kiss me then?” I ask. Conspiracy theories over Nico’s motives cross my mind and make me feel irrational.
The kiss was wonderful—hell, it wasmorethan wonderful, but there had to be a reason for it. The Ghost is only loyal to himself; he admitted that much already.
“I don’t know.”
“That’s not a good enough answer,” I say as I get ready to head quickly for the door. I wonder if he’ll try to stop me. I wonder if part of the plan was keeping me here like some sort of hostage.
Nico cuts me off and blocks the door with his body, not because he’s going to force me to stay, but because he has something to say to me first.
“I kissed you because Ineededto,” he says as his blue eyes darken and focus on mine.
I feel like everything inside of me is slowly coming undone. I feel like I’m swimming around in those intoxicating eyes of his, unable to come up for air and drowning in desire.
“I kissed you because I can’t seem to make myself stay away from you,” he continues. “Even though I know that it’s probably best forbothof us if I do. But the fact is, Elle, that I’vetriedkeeping my distance from you and keeping you at arm’s length, and my restraint is waning.”
Instead of pushing past him and running out the door, I hesitate. I just kissed my enemy, or is he? Now, I don’t know what’s real anymore.
CHAPTER 14
NICO
