Page 152 of Hidden in Memories
Anton stares at him in confusion. Thank God the waitress has brought another glass of wine, and he drinks more than half in a single gulp.
Actually they did look very much alike, come to think of it.
Carl brushes aside his uncertainty. “I’ve thought about you a lot. I hoped you’d get in touch eventually. When you’d finished thinking things over. It was crystal clear that you needed to work out who you are and who you want to be.” He places his hand on Anton’s. His touch makes Anton’s entire body tingle. “And if you want to be with me.”
Anton is drowning in Carl’s warm gaze. He wants that hand to remain there forever.
What people will think of his sexual orientation has never seemed so unimportant.
Without hesitation he leans across the table and kisses Carl.
For a long time.
124
Alice is asleep in Daniel’s arms as he carries her from the car to their apartment. They have been at Ida’s mom’s for a belated Easter dinner.
“Would you like a cup of tea?” Ida asks once Alice is settled in her cot.
She gives him a sad look which is impossible to interpret. She has been quiet ever since he arrived home on Saturday, not at all her usual energetic self. She is probably as exhausted as he is. He still has a great deal to process following the events in Storlien, and dinner with Elisabeth was an effort, however well meaning his mother-in-law might be.
The emotions from Saturday, the feeling of sheer despair as the hostage drama neared its conclusion, wash over him again. Those moments when he didn’t know whether Hanna would survive inside the gloomy hotel.
Ida is already on her way to the kitchen to make tea. Daniel would really like to go to bed, but if she wants them to sit up for a while, then he ought to do it for her sake. They hardly saw each other during Easter week, and he knows how that kind of thing can damage their relationship.
“Sure,” he says, following her.
Ida places two mugs on the table, then lights the candles while he fetches milk from the refrigerator.
“We need to talk,” she says when they are sitting down and she has poured the tea.
Daniel feels an overwhelming sense of weariness. He knows what this is about. Ida has never liked his job. Or rather, the way he allows himself to be swallowed up by his work when the situation is critical. He has almost been waiting for her to kick off. They have had this discussion frequently in the past; they have talked about her anxiety and her perception that she comes second.
Each time he has done his best to reassure her that she and Alice mean everything to him, whatever happens.
He is doing his best.
What more does she want from him?
Ida blows on her tea, both hands wrapped around her mug. She looks as if she is building up to something.
Daniel is beginning to wonder whether he has read her correctly when she comes out with it.
“I don’t know if I’m still in love with you.”
He stares at her, utterly confused. This was the last thing he’d expected. Okay, so it’s been a struggle since Alice was born, and he is well aware that a large part of the problem is down to him. But he has taken responsibility, he has started to see a therapist, made an effort not to bring his work home.
Ida’s eyes are shining with unshed tears. She looks desperately unhappy.
“I think we need to be apart for a while,” she continues. “To work out what we want.”
She touches the long braid hanging over her shoulder, stares into her mug as if the answers might be there. Then she dashes away a tear with her index finger.
“Sorry,” she whispers.
Daniel can’t take it in. He hears the words, but he doesn’t understand what they mean.
Nothing in his life has prepared him for this.
