Page 30 of The Vow Thief
“Passion,” she repeated.“Are we talking about sex?”
The question caught me off guard, even though I should have seen it coming. My brain spiraled.
“I’ve told you before, Sarah and I hadn’t been sexual in a while. That was part of it.” I swallowed hard, the next words clawing their way out.“But the reason it was so hard to leave Lily wasn’t just the sex. It was how she wanted me. She burned for me. In a way, no one ever has. That… was hard to walk away from.”
I exhaled, feeling stripped bare.“But how can I let that matter when I have ten years and two kids with Sarah? That has to count for something.”
Dr. Colleen let the silence settle before she spoke.“You keep pointing to time and children, Matt. Those are commitments. They anchor you. But they are not the same as desire. They don’t tell me where your heart is.”
“My heart is with Sarah,” I said quickly. Too quickly. Damn, I am being defensive.
She tilted her head, eyes steady.“That’s not what your words say. Your words tell me your heart is torn. That you’re clinging to duty to avoid admitting how much you miss being wanted.”
I sat there, pinned under her gaze, trying to force the words back into something cleaner, something less damning. But I couldn’t.
She lowered the pen to the page and wrote something I couldn’t see. Then she looked back at me.“Obligation can keep you in a marriage, Matt. But it cannot rebuild one. At some point, you have to decide whether you’re staying because you want to or because you’re afraid of what it means if you don’t.”
Her question hung in the air, heavier than anything else she had said. Where was my heart? I had no answer.
Colleen watched him carefully.“So let me ask you something, Matt. When Sarah pulls away, what does that take from you?”
He stared at the floor for a long moment.“The chance to fix it. The chance to prove I’m not the man who blew everything up.”
“And Lily?” she asked softly.“What did losing her take from you?”
His mouth tightened. He didn’t answer, but the silence said enough.
Colleen leaned forward, her voice low but clear.“Sarah’s rejection takes away your chance at redemption. Lily’s absence takes away your chance at distraction. You're at a point where you can’t be the man between two women. You have to be just you. And you have no idea who that is.”
Matt sat there, the words hitting harder than he expected. Because she was right. He didn’t.
Chapter 15 - Sarah's Dark Thoughts
Sarah's POV
I sat cross-legged on the floor of the home gym with my head in my hands. I needed to tell Matt that I wanted to finalize the divorce. And I needed to move on. I thought I might be going insane.
These days, the images of Matt and Lily together didn't hit me like they used to. They were sharp, but they faded quickly. What lingered, what dug in and refused to let go, were the fantasies of hurting Lily. They slipped into my brain like smoke, curling around my thoughts until I couldn’t tell where they started. They played longer than the affair did now, and they were getting darker.
The most recent one had replayed all morning: my hands on Lily’s throat, Lily’s eyes wide, the desperate, silent struggle.
My stomach made a gurgling noise. It had been almost a year since the affair, and why was I still broken?
I had called Dr. Colleen and left a voicemail earlier, asking for an urgent appointment. The sound of my phone chiming yanked me out of it. I grabbed it fast, relieved when I saw the name.
Dr. Colleen: Can you come in at 11?
I typed back before I could overthink it.
Sarah: Yes. I’ll be there.
I pushed myself off the floor, traded my workout leggings for jeans, and ran a brush through my hair. By the time I was in the car, my pulse was already climbing. I didn’t know if I was more anxious to say the words out loud or to hear whatever Dr. Colleen would say back.
In Dr. Colleen’s office, I sank into the couch, feeling both too heavy and too restless at the same time.
“You sounded urgent this morning,” Dr. Colleen said gently, settling into her chair.“Tell me what’s going on.”
I stared at my hands.“I’ve been... having these thoughts. Intrusive thoughts.”
