Page 31 of The Vow Thief
“About the affair?”
“No... well.” My voice sounded flat.“About Lily.”
Dr. Colleen waited. I hate how she does that, leaves the silence open, but it worked.
“They’re violent,” I finally managed to say.“I picture hurting her. Sometimes I imagine... killing her. And it’s not just once in a while. It’s almost every day.”
Dr. Colleen’s expression didn’t change.“How long has this been happening?”
“Since she tried to take the kids from their school,” I admitted.“The affair hurt. But that? That made something inside me snap. I keep thinking about... stopping her. Permanently. In my head, it’s not messy or chaotic. It’s quiet. Final. And it scares me that it feels... satisfying.”
“Have you ever had thoughts like this about anyone else?”
I shook my head.“Never.”
“Have you made any plans to act on these thoughts?”
“No,” I clipped.“I wouldn’t do it. I know that’s not who I am. But the fact that I can even picture it this clearly…” I trailed off, scaring myself.
Dr. Colleen leaned forward slightly.“Intrusive thoughts are like pop-up ads in your brain. They’re not instructions. They’re not a reflection of your morals. They’re mental static often tied to fear, trauma, or a need to regain control. What you’re describing is your mind’s way of trying to create a sense of safety. In your case, the solution it’s offering is eliminating the threat entirely. It doesn’t mean you want to kill her. It means you want to stop feeling powerless.”
I let out a shaky laugh.“So my brain is just... throwing out murder as a coping mechanism?”
“In a twisted way, yes,” Dr. Colleen said.“Your nervous system is still on high alert. Every time Lily comes to mind, your body reacts like she’s right here, right now, threatening you or your children. That’s why the thoughts keep coming. Your brain hasn’t filed her under‘past’yet.”
I rubbed the aching spot at my temple.“And how do I make it stop?”
“We start by removing the shame around the thoughts. If you fight them, they get louder. If you acknowledge them,‘I’m having the thought that I want to hurt Lily,’it takes away some of their power. Then we replace the thought with something that actually serves you.”
“Like what? Rainbows and puppies?”
“Like a thought that’s still about protection, but doesn’t require you to destroy something,” Dr. Colleen said.“We also work on grounding techniques. When the image shows up, you get out of your head and into your body. Feet on the floor. Name five things you see. Four you can touch. That sort of thing.”
I exhaled slowly, trying to allow her words to comfort me.“So I’m not secretly a sociopath?”
“No,” Dr. Colleen said with the faintest smile.“You’re someone who’s been hurt, threatened, and backed into a corner. But we’re going to make sure you don’t live in that corner anymore.”
I nodded, still uneasy but lighter than when I’d walked in.“Okay. Let’s do that.”
I pulled into the driveway, the conversation with Dr. Colleen looping in my head like a song I couldn’t turn off. I spent the whole drive deciding how much to tell Matt and how much to keep to myself.
He was in the kitchen, leaning against the counter with a glass of water.
“Hey. Where’ve you been?”
“I went to see Dr. Colleen.”
His brow creased.“Everything okay?”
“No.” I set my keys on the counter.“I needed to talk about these intrusive thoughts I’ve been having about Lily.”
Matt set his glass down harder than he meant to.“Are you okay, baby? Jesus, Sarah... how can I help?”
I know I looked defeated.“I don’t know if you can help, Matt. It’s just how I’m processing things right now.”
Matt’s eyes narrowed like he was weighing something. Then he straightened.“What if we just... left? Not for good, but right now.”
I frowned.“What do you mean?”
