Page 88 of Burning for Alexander
“Please come in,” I urged gently. “We can talk about it.”
Alex shook his head. “That would be a mistake. Just answer me.”
“I… I hired someone. An investigator. To look for you. I mean,DrunkenPoet. But then…” I stopped.Keep it simple, stupid.“He told me the same IP address used inDrunkenPoet’s posts was being used at Alexander Vineyards. And that the only person who’d lived there during that time who also got an Incident Command certification was you. Alexander Marian.”
His face fell. “You came back from that trip and had sex with me without saying a word.”
Made love to you, I wanted to bark. But I kept myself calm and regulated for fear of making him bolt.
“I wanted to tell you,” I began. “I tried to tell you, but you?—”
“Me?” he snapped. “Are you seriously getting ready to tell meIwas the reason you didn’t tell me that my dead lover was alive andoh by the wayhis cock was already inside of me?” His voice had gone ragged until he was croaking out the last part. Tears fell down his face, and I tried reaching for him again.
He pulled away and took a big step back. “No,” he said, swiping angrily at his face. “Do not touch me. Because I can’t… I… Just don’t.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t even know where to start.”
“Start by telling me what happened! I thought you were dead! I thought… I thought only death would make you leave me like that. Without a word. Without a single fucking sign.”
Alex’s arms folded over his chest, his fists tucked into his armpits.
I clenched my own hands into fists to keep from reaching for him again. “Baby, please?—”
“Donotcall me baby!” he wailed. “Please do not act like you care about me when you let me mourn yourfuckingdeath for fourfuckingyears.” Tears spilled down his face and dripped off his chin as he swiped at his nose. “I waited for you, for any word. And then I searched desperately for anything that might explain it. And I learned about the mortar strike in Iraq. Was that it?”
I nodded.
“And were you hurt?”
I nodded again. “Bad concussion. Head injury. They kept meunder for a long time, and then I was out of it for a while after that, Alex. For months. I’d been transported to another country. No cell phone or computer. No access to anything. They contacted my next of kin, which is my friend Max in Philly. He… he didn’t know about you.”
Alex winced like that was yet another blow. “I guess I wasn’t that important.”
He was tearing my heart into shreds. “You were! You are. When I got back, I was desperate to find you. But you told me your family had a farm! I had no idea what part of California or what kind of farm. Alex, I told Max all about you, once I got home. I hired an investigator, for fuck’s sake?—”
“After you were dating someone else.”
I stared at him, unsure whether he was mad at me for cheating on him with him, or what. “I… I don’t know what to say right now to make this right,” I confessed. “Please tell me what to say to make this right.”
“Do you have any idea how long I waited for you? It took me months of therapy before I agreed to delete my message board accounts. Nearly a year of it before I could consider moving on and doing something meaningful with my life. And even then,even then, I saved myself for you. It took two more years before I could wrap my head around having sex with someone whowasn’tyou. And now here you are, fucking me while carrying around the knowledge that the man I thought was dead was alive this whole time!”
Alex clenched his jaw, sucked in a breath through his nose, and dropped the next words like a killing blow. “And lying to my face while telling me you gave a single shit about me.”
The emotional storm settled low in my gut like a lead weight. This wasn’t a catharsis meant to help him move past the painful past and into a new future together. No… this was… this was starting to sound like the end.
Like forgiveness wasn’t even something he was considering.
“Please, Alex. Please, I am begging you. I fell for you twice. Please don’t throw that away without letting me tell you… Just come inside so we can talk.”
“Talk about what? How can I ever trust you again? I can’t. I can’t, Judd. It… it almost killed me getting over you, and I can’t do it again. Just ask my family. They’re the ones who had to pick up the pieces.”
His sister’s words echoed through my head like the clang of a cell door being locked.The whole experience… it broke Alex, Chief. Crushed him. It’s like he’s expecting to get his heart broken again.
At this point, I hope the asshole stays gone because no good could come of them getting in touch again.
My own heart was shattered for Alex, for the hollow grief in his eyes. But the look on his face, the one that said I was losing him, made me desperate and stupid. Made me want to lash out.
“So that’s it, then?” My own eyes were burning. “You got over me once, so now you’re just going to run back to your perfect family and your fancy therapist and get over me again? How nice for you. How nice that it’s that easy, Alex. How nice for you that you have that kind of love and support. Go ahead.”
