Page 106 of Burning for Alexander
Everyone sent me lazy goodbyes or waved from their spots on sofas and chairs until I was out the door and into the freezing cold night.
I considered swinging by Kincaid’s place to apologize for last night but decided that probably wasn’t a good idea.
God, I missed him.
I missed his laugh. I missed his scent. I missed the rumble ofhis voice and the glint in his eyes when he teased me. I missed the feel of him against me—and not just for sex, although,fuck, that too. I missed being held in his arms, comfortable and secure, with his heartbeat under my ear.
Over the past few weeks, my brain had been processing in the background all of the things I’d been too panicked and heartsick to consider when I’d first learned the truth about Judd beingIndexEcho. I realized now that Judd hadn’t actually been hiding it from me—not for longer than the day it took for him to tell me in person. I knew both of us had reacted in hurt and anger and had said things we didn’t mean that night. I even understood that Judd’s fire-code bullshit about my Christmas decorations was just like me pretending I only wanted him for sex or cuddles—a pretense to be together withoutbeing together.
I imagined Kincaid was really fucking angry about me showing up in his yard last night… and I didn’t blame him. I’d been acting like a child.
But I didn’t know what to do about it. I didn’t think there was anything Icoulddo, besides trying harder to stay away.
Because deep down, I was still afraid.
Hell, I was fuckingterrified.
If I let myself fall for Judd, it wouldn’t be a halfway thing. I’d be all-in, one-and-done, forever-and-ever. It would be the fairy-tale kind of love my parents, and grandparents, and uncles had found. The kind I’d always dreamed of finding. And we would be so damn happy…
And then one day, I’d lose him.
Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for years or decades. But the fear would always be there. Haunting me.
If I truly let myself love Judd Kincaid and then lost him again, it would break me into such tiny pieces no therapist or well-meaning siblings would ever be able to put me back together.
So as much as I missed him, as much as I longed to be with him, it was simply safer to hold back. To stay away.
Halfway home, my phone rang with a call from Ella, and I answered it immediately, eager for the distraction.
“I hope you’re calling to tell me you finally beat Derek at Sequence,” I said with a laugh. “Because that man is spooky good, but he’s not?—”
“There’s a fire at Timber,” she said urgently. “Derek got a call from Trace, who heard it on the dispatch radio. Legacy FD is on the way.”
“Gotta go, Ells,” I said, disconnecting.
On the drive home, I forced myself not to put the pedal to the metal. No one in Legacy’s emergency services community needed me causing two incidents tonight. Thankfully, I’d been close to home when her call had come in.
When I pulled up the side road that led to the back entrance, the top half of the back of the building was encased in an orange glow, and smoke poured out of one corner of the roof into the sky. My stomach dropped, thinking of all the work I’d put into Timber going up in flames.
But that was nothing compared to what I felt when Judd Kincaid screeched to a halt on the other side of the street, lunged out of his truck, and went running toward the back entrance of my building.
Without a helmet or mask. Without his heavy boots or Nomex clothing.
Without oxygen or heavy equipment.
Without waiting for backup.
In violation of at least five thousand of those fucking fire-safety protocols he could recite from memory.
I threw my door open and screamed, “No!” But there was no way he could hear me over the shriek of the sirens, the noise of theengines that arrived five seconds too late, and the shouting of his crew trying to call him back.
As soon as he disappeared into that burning building, my breath got stuck in my lungs. My entire body went cold.
And I knew without a single breath of hesitation that I’d rather my restaurant—my life’s dream—burn to the ground than have one hair on Judd Kincaid’s body harmed.
So I started running.
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