Page 88 of The Way Back Home
“Yeah.”
“Did you tellherthat?”
“No.”
“Why not? Maybe she wouldn’t have left.”
Noah got up and paced in front of the fire. That was exactly why he hadn’t said anything. Teagan had to make her own choice. She had to do what was right for her without any influence from him or anyone else.
But it wasn’t the only reason. If, by some miracle, she cared for him, she deserved someone who had his shit together. She’d had enough broken men in her life. She didn’t need another.
Alex inclined his head and pinned him with anassessing gaze. “There’s more to it than that, isn’t there? You don’t think you’re good enough for some reason.”
“I’m not.”
Noah was tired of fronting. Tired of shoving everything into a locked box and pretending it didn’t exist. He wasn’t okay. Hadn’t been for a long time. Focusing on medical school, then work, and most recently, Teagan, had allowed him to avoid dealing with his own issues. Now that she was gone, it was time to face the truth.
There was no judgment in Alex’s eyes when he said, “Talk to me.”
So, he did. It took a moment to find the words. Noah hadn’t spoken of that day in years, but time hadn’t made it any easier.
“I was stationed at a forward operating base in the Sangin district.”
Alex nodded. As a special ops guy, he was familiar with the area. Afghanistan’s Helmand Province was known for its intense fighting.
“IEDs were common, and we’d seen our share. We got hit during a routine patrol, and it was bad. Nearly everyone suffered some kind of damage. I did what any seasoned medic would do—I triaged.
“Our radio operator insisted his injuries were minor. I gave him a quick once-over, then left him to work on the more critically wounded.”
Noah paused, summoning the strength to continue. “Hours later, we were back at the base and he collapsed. Internal bleeding, caused by a ruptured spleen. By the time I figured it out, he was gone. I wasalready in a bad place. Losing him pushed me over the edge.”
“You blame yourself.”
“Fuck yes, I blame myself. He was akid, Alex. Had his whole life ahead of him. And he died because I’d fucked up. Because I took his word instead of trusting my own instincts.”
Alex stared at him intently. “You think you’re the only one who sees their faces at night? The only one who wonders if you made the right call? Don’t kid yourself. We all carry ghosts. The difference is whether you let them bury you.”
The edge in Alex’s voice gave him pause. They’d always been two sides of the same coin. Shadow and light. He hadn’t considered that Alex—pragmatic, unflappable Alex—might have similar regrets.
“Let me ask you this: how many would have died that day if you hadn’t done what you did?” Alex continued.
“That’s not the point.”
“That’sexactlythe point,” Alex said firmly. “I know you, and I know, without a doubt, you did everything you could to save as many as possible—because that’s who you are.”
Alex’s voice lowered. “You forget, I know what it was like out there. You don’t have the luxury of time. You have a second, maybe two, to make life-or-death calls. Someone tells you they’re fine while you’ve got someone else bleeding out from the leg that got blown off, you’ve got no choice but to believe them.”
Noah raked a hand down his face. He’d been overthat day a thousand times, wondering what he could have done differently. If he had missed the telltale signs in the urgency of the moment.
“That’s why you went to medical school as soon as you got out, isn’t it?” Alex said. “You think you missed something.”
Noah didn’t answer. He didn’t have to.
“That explains the orthopedic specialty too,” Alex murmured. “Not many life-or-death calls, are there?”
Again, Noah didn’t feel the need to answer the obvious.
“So, what are you going to do now?”
