Page 86 of Secret Nights and Northern Lights
Mason smiles at her in that way that makes me feel like I shouldn’t be witnessing this interaction. “So glad you made it tonight, Jacklyn.”
She steps forward and pats his cheek. “Happy Birthday,healer.” Then she saunters off in the direction of the dismal piano notes. “Someone needs to teach that child about tempo, and I guess it’s going to be me.”
Later, when my father has pulled himself away from work and we’re all seated around the dining room table with full plates, my mom’s voice rises above the rest to say, “Mona, tell us about Iceland.”
I knew the topic would arise, and now I have two optionshere: tell them everything or tell them nothing. My typically reserved self would err on the side of nothing but the basics, not because I want to keep things from my family but because I’m uncomfortable talking about myself in general. Especially when my most enthralling activities usually pale in comparison to one of my brothers’ random Tuesdays. I covered a weekend biscuit festival? Marcus encountered a copperhead on the trail. Jacklyn dragged me to her (so-called) yoga class? Mason and Dad worked together to bring a man back to life whose heart had stopped.
But perhaps I’m part of the problem. Perhaps if I want to be seen in this family I need to speak up and assert myself. Can I blame the others for overlooking me if I purposely seek out the shadows?
“It was fantastic,” I say. “The country is beautiful in a way that’s truly unimaginable until you see it in person. Actually, even when you see it in person it’s still unfathomable. I hiked some of the most gorgeous landscapes. Waterfalls, beaches, volcanoes. All of it more impressive than the last.”
“That sounds lovely,” my father says from the head of the table. “Speaking of hiking, I had a patient today that had hiked—”
“Actually, Dad, I wasn’t finished.” My voice is stern, unapologetic. Something inside of me has snapped. Or maybe it’s the bourbon. Either way, all nine sets of eyes at the table focus on me in earnest. Beside me, Jacklyn chokes on her water before clearing her throat.
My father waves his hand in a sweeping motion, as if to say,The floor is yours.
“See, I’ve dreamed of traveling the world since I was a kid. Maybe none of you knew that about me, but I did, and I finallygot to live that dream. And you know what? Itchangedme.” My voice cracks. And yeah, this is definitely the bourbon speaking. “I hiked to an active volcano. Active! As inlavaandfire. I snowmobiled on a goddamn glacier!” I shoot a look to the three wide-eyed kids across from me. “Sorry, Carrie,” I apologize to my sister-in-law before jumping back into my diatribe.
“I saw the northern lights. And pilot whales—although they kind of look like dolphins and weren’t that exciting. I made friends with a sheep. Joseph—that’s his name.” My voice breaks again, and I am truly having an emotional reckoning here in front of my entire family and my best friend, in a room that’s now so quiet you could hear a pin drop. “I did those things. Me, Mona Mildred Miller!” I swing my upper body in the direction of my parents at the far end of the table. “And this is off topic, but that’s an unfortunate middle name to give your child. You both could have put more thought into it, even if I was the product of Dad’s failed vasectomy.”
My father starts coughing, and my mom forcefully pummels his back. Across the table, my niece’s tiny voice asks, “Mommy, what’s a bah-sec—”
“We’ll talk about it later, Ava,” Carrie quickly cuts in.
I fall silent long enough that Marcus softly starts, “Uh, sis, are you—”
“And another thing!” I pound my fist on the table and the silverware clatters. “I know you all didn’t think I could do it. That I wasn’t cut out for it.” This time I look directly at my brothers. “But you know what? I goddamn did it. And maybe it’s time you all appreciate that just because my life tends to be quieter than yours, it doesn’t make it any less important.” I swallow, and thenadd, “But you know who did believe in me? Ben Carter. That’s right, I went on this trip with Ben. He was my photographer. And none of you knew because you were all too self-absorbed”—beside me, Jacklyn snorts—“but we had a thing back in high school.”
“Ourbest friend Ben?” Mason sounds confused, and also like he’s afraid to speak.
“Ha!” I explode, picking up a fork and pointing it at him. “He wasn’tyourBen. He’s always beenmyBen. Always! But now I’ve fucked it all up!” Tears overwhelm my eyes now, and all the words that have already poured from my mouth finally scroll through my head. Shame heats me. I push my chair back and rise from the table, dropping my fork and eliciting a finalclangas metal strikes Mom’s fancy dishware. “Excuse me.”
I flee the room, barely making it up the stairs to my childhood bedroom before I let the full-blown sobs escape.
Seconds later, there’s a soft knock at the door.
“J, it’s okay. I’m fine.”
“It’s me.” My mother’s soft-spoken voice drifts through from the other side. “Can I come in?”
I should’ve known. Jacklyn wouldn’t have bothered knocking. I wipe my tears away to the best of my ability before I pull the door open.
Seeing my tearstained face, my mom’s expression crumples. “Oh dear.”
Looking into my mom’s kind brown eyes, laden with sympathy, all that comes to mind is Ben telling me how she helped him when he was struggling, and I reach out and cling to my mother for the first time in years.
If she’s stunned by my physical display of affection, she doesn’t show it or verbalize it. Instead, her arms come around me, and she rubs my back in that soothing way only a mother can.
“Thank you,” I choke past my sobs.
“For what, dear?”
“For taking care of Ben all those years ago. For loving him.”
“Ah. He finally told you about all that, huh?”
Pulling back, I see it written in her eyes. “You knew about us back then.”
