Page 90 of Secret Nights and Northern Lights
“It’s beautiful,” I hear from behind me after an unknown amount of time has passed. “It’s engrossing, and nuanced, and just really, really beautiful work.”
I spin around and lean against the counter at my back. “It’s also the story of us falling in love in Iceland. Are you okay with that being published? If you’re not, I’ll rewrite it and take you out completely. No questions asked.”
Ben comes closer, stopping just out of reach. “No. Leave it. It’s perfect.”
I yearn to sink into him, to dissolve in the comfort of his arms. But he’s giving me no indication that’s what he wants.
Until…
“Ems.” Stepping forward, he lifts his hand and slowly traces myMcharm with a fingertip, and I stop breathing. Then he leans closer, sweeps the shoulder of my wet cardigan aside, and presses a kiss just above my collarbone. “If you came here tonight for another reason besides the article, all you have to do is say so.”
I shiver as he pulls back, the cold air replacing his warm breath on my skin.
“I’m sorry I messed up,” he says. “Fourteen years agoandnow. I should’ve told you the truth both times. I know I still have a lot of things to work on.” He comes close again, settling his hands on the countertop next to each of my hips, framing me in, giving me nowhere to look other than the depths of his green eyes. “But I love you. And I know you love me, too. So ask me to stay. Because here’s another secret for you, I’ll say yes.”
My throat is raw, emotion strangling me, but I swallow hard and somehow manage a hoarse, “Stay?”
The smile that breaks over his face warms me from the inside out, soothing all the aching parts of me. “Of course I’ll stay,” he says as his mouth tenderly meets mine.
Kissing Ben again only confirms what I’d felt the second he’d opened the door tonight. He’s my home. His voice my favorite sound. His summery cotton scent my favorite smell. His vibrant green eyes my favorite color.
His arms my most favorite place in the entire world.
I break away and run my fingertips over his sandpaper jaw, needing to make it clear that while I want to be with him morethan I want anything in this world, I would never want him to give up something he wants to do. “About South Africa though…I know I asked you to stay, but I think we both know I was really asking you to bewithme. If this trip is something you want to do, I won’t be the thing that stands in your way. We can be long-distance, or I could visit—”
“Ems.” He shakes his head. “No assignment could possibly mean more to me than getting to be with you after fourteen years. There will be other assignments. I’m not going anywhere.”
He takes hold of my hand that strokes his jaw, kisses my open palm, and then leads me out of the kitchen and down a short hallway. We turn into a small bedroom with the same freshly painted walls, barren other than a metal-framed bed, a wooden dresser against the far wall, and a small desk in the corner where Ben’s camera resides.
I’m guided to the bed, and I sink back into a white down comforter and rest my head on fluffy pillows that smell like Ben. He settles over me, lowering his head to trail kisses down my throat, but my focus is on the tiny room, the single-pane window framed with a solid-navy curtain, the old soccer jersey hanging in the closet.
The emptiness of it all leaves my heart hurting for the boy who grew up here. I try telling myself it’s because he’s getting the house ready to sell, and he surely packed up all of the childhood trinkets and trophies and books and pictures that still fill my childhood bedroom to this day.
But no matter how hard I try, I can’t convince myself of something I know isn’t true.
“So this is your childhood bedroom?” I ask.
Ben lifts his head. “Do you not want to do this here?”
“No, it’s not that.” My heart swells in my chest, crowding my lungs and making it impossible to take a deep breath. Everything Ben makes me feel is just so…big. “I’ve just never been in your bedroom before. That’s all.”
He dips down again to kiss my mouth, and I’m overwhelmed by the need to give him at least one good memory he can cherish in this house.
Ben rises onto his knees and pulls me to a sitting position, stripping off my top before pulling his own overhead. When we’re both down to our underwear, he pulls back the comforter, and we slide between the sheets, both trembling from need as much as the cold. When he tries to settle on top of me again, I push him flat on his back and straddle his hips, wanting to be the one to take care of him tonight. He pulls the comforter up around my shoulders for warmth, but the heat of him beneath me already warms me through.
Fingertips sweep up my belly, trace over the edge of my bra, fan out over my heartbeat as Ben presses his palm there. “Ems, I need you to know something. I saw your mom a couple years ago, and I asked her about you. She told me all about your job and that you were living in the city.”
I don’t tell him I’ve already heard this from my mother tonight, I just let him say whatever he needs to say.
“The very next day, I started going to therapy. I’ve worked really hard since then to come to terms with my past. And I realized that as much as traveling and photography saved me, they also gave me a great excuse to keep running and never deal withany of the stuff I needed to sort out. I’m sorry I wasted so much of our time, and that it took me so long to come back to you.”
“Don’t.” I press a finger to his lips. “We’re together now. That’s all that matters.”
Ben kisses my fingertip before I slide it away. “There’s one more thing.” He diverts his gaze somewhere over my shoulder, tears gathering at the corners of his eyes as he bites his lower lip. “I don’t want you to ever think…”
Whatever he’s trying to say is wrecking him, so I take his face in my hands and pull his focus back to me. “Think what? You know you can tell me anything.”
He swallows, and a tear falls over his temple, but he doesn’t look away. “I don’t want you to think we’re ever going to be anything like them. Despite what I came from, I’mnevergoing to let that happen.”
