Page 80 of Secret Nights and Northern Lights
This cannot be happening.
“You wererecruitingme? Was that what happened between us?” Ben’s words are far away and muffled, as if I’m underwater.
“I should fire you on the spot!” Calvin explodes.
I push out of my chair, uncertain my legs will hold a body that no longer feels like my own. I’m just an outside observer to the scene in a movie where everything goes horribly wrong. But if it isn’t real, then why are tears hovering at the edges of my vision, threatening to fall right here in front of everyone? I have to get out of this room. Away from Calvin. Away from Shirley. Away from Ben. Now.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Calvin questions, but I’m already speeding toward the door. “Do not walk away from me!”
I stop in my tracks, only to hear myself utter words I never imagined saying.
“I quit.”
* * *
I take the stairwell instead of the elevator, aware Ben doesn’t know his way around this building, and on the thirty-sixth floor, I weave back to my cubicle on autopilot. Jacklyn must sense my distress as I pass her by because the next thing I know, I’m at mydesk and she’s sitting in the cheap plastic chair across from me asking what happened.
“The meeting went badly?” she gently says.
“You could say that. I quit.”
“Youwhat?” Her blue eyes are huge pools of color, reminding me of the water at Kerið Crater. Which reminds me of Ben. Which makes me fold in two in my desk chair at the pang that strikes beneath my ribs.
I open my mouth to tell her what happened with Calvin, but all that comes out is, “He lied to me. Ben lied to me.”
Jacklyn passes me several tissues, but I don’t bother wiping my tears away.
“Calvin didn’t choose me because of my writing abilities or even because he thought I’d be the friendliest option for his little recruitment plan.Benrequested I be the writer in order for him to sign on. I feel like such an idiot.”
“Oh, sweetie.”
Jacklyn comes around the desk and pulls me into an embrace, and I’m sobbing against her collarbone when I hear Ben’s somber voice. “Ems, can we talk this out? Please?”
I don’t know how he found me, and I don’t really care.
Releasing me, Jacklyn turns to Ben, who stands stiffly in the entranceway of my cubicle. “I think you need to leave,” she tells him.
“Please,” he continues to plead. “I know we can talk through this.”
“It’s okay, Jacklyn,” I say. “Really.”
She gives me an uncertain look, but says, “You know where to find me,” and leaves my cubicle.
Ben kneels before me in the space Jacklyn vacated, but when he reaches to take my hands, I pull them away. “Look. I should have told you that I asked for you on this assignment. The truth is, I finally felt like I was at a place where I was ready to see if there was anything still between us. And I knew if I just showed up at your door after all this time, you’d rightly slam it in my face. So when this opportunity came up, yes, I asked for you. I thought if we had time together then I could at least explain what really happened back then. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the full truth. I wanted to. I even tried to that night in Akureyri, but you didn’t want to talk about work.”
I scoff. “You mean right after we’d had sex, Ben?”
“I know I fucked up here,” he pleads. “But you didn’t tell me you were recruiting me, either. We both kept things from each other. But it doesn’t mean that what happened between us in Iceland wasn’t real.”
“You’re right,” I agree. “I didn’t tell you I was supposed to recruit you. But like everything else I do, turns out I wasn’t very good at that, either. And after things changed between us, I stopped even trying. Also, my secret doesn’t humiliate you, so there’s a distinct difference.”
“There’s no reason to feel humiliated. If anything, I was doing Cal a favor—” At the way my eyes roll at the casual name, Ben corrects his misstep. “I was doingCalvina favor by requesting you. You’re incredibly talented, whether he sees that or not.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “Donotplacate me.”
“I’m not placating you. I swear.” He glances down at the floor before blinking back up to me. “Look, I’ve followed your career withAround the Globeever since I found out you worked here acouple years ago. I’ve read every article you’ve written. Ems, those pieces arereallygood. Too good to not be appreciated here.”
If I’d thought I’d hit rock bottom, I was wrong. Becausethis…knowing Ben read all my fluff pieces while he was traveling the world as a well-respected photojournalist…I’m not sure I’ll ever recover. I want to crawl into a literal hole somewhere in the forest and cover myself with wilderness kindling. But I can’t even focus on escaping this goddamn gray box because Ben is still kneeling in front of my chair, pleading with me.
