Page 68 of Show Me How to Heal
“I’m sorry,” I repeated, though I knew it wasn’t enough. It didn’t feel like enough. “Please, believe me, I wanted to tell you. I was going to tell you. Do you remember when I brought all your favorite dishes from Addy’s over? I was going to tell you that day, but then you were so happy, telling me about hitting one million subscribers, and I just… I didn’t want to take away from that happy occasion.”
Zayne stared at me out of glassy eyes, his hands balling into fists. “So you want to tell me it’s my fault that you didn’t tell me?”
“No!” I shouted, shaking my head. I was messing this up. I was messing it all up. “I didn’t mean that at all. I just… I need you to know that I wanted to tell you.”
“But you didn’t,” Zayne murmured, lowering his head.
There were a couple of seconds of strained silence until I noticed him rubbing over his cheeks.
Was he crying?
Oh my Gott!
My chest tightened until I couldn’t breathe anymore. Sharp pain stabbed right into my heart like a dagger. I’d made him cry.
“I know,” I said. “That’s inexcusable. There’s no way around it. I should have. And I promise, I would have.”
“When?”
“After the grand opening. Doesn’t it count that I wanted to, that I tried?”
“Six days ago,” Zayne whispered, his eyes searching mine, the tears in his eyes stabbing right into my heart again. “You tried telling me six days ago, Luke. But we’ve been a couple for more than sixweeks. And it’s not like we were strangers before.”
“I know,” I said agonized. My heart was beating so fast I could hear the blood rushing through my ears. “And it doesn’t have anything to do with you that I didn’t. It’s me.”
“Seriously? You’re giving me the whole it’s not you, it’s me speech? Are you fucking kidding me right now?” There was the anger, at least a spark of it, but it went away as fast as it’d come up. “Just… go, okay?”
“What? No, Zayne, I… I need to…”
“You need to do what? Help me?”
“Yes!” I said way too loud. “We need to prepare everything for the opening. We’ve got it all planned out.”
Zayne snorted, the bitter noise startling Sammy who immediately rushed to my side, pressing his snout against my trembling knee, making me realize my whole body was shaking in the first place. So maybe he’d come over to calm me and not because he was startled. “Good boy,” I murmured, but I didn’t squat down to pet him like I’d usually do. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get up again.
“And how do you want to help me? You can’t possibly go out there!” He gestured towards our sales area. “They are waiting for you to make an appearance.”
“I could…”
“Leave?” Zayne said. “Yeah, you can. You should. You owe me that.”
I furrowed my brows. “I owe it to you to leave?”
“You owe it to me to respect my boundaries. Just like I did yours. I never tried looking you up on social media. I never tried making you talk about your past even though it was clearly hurting you. I did everything I could not to hurt you while you kept walking all over my feelings without me knowing.”
“I’m sor…”
“I can’t do this right now,” Zayne said, defeated tone back in place. His eyes were brimming with tears.
“What do you mean?” Dread settled over me. A dread worse than anything I’d ever felt. “Are you breaking up with me?”
“I don’t know. I just know that I need to get this fucking opening prepared — alone, thanks to you — and that I can’t deal with this shit right now. I can’t deal withyouright now.”
Sammy whined — I wanted to as well.
“Please, don’t make me leave,” I begged, knowing if he made me leave right now without letting me explain anything, chances were I’d never get the opportunity to talk to him again. “Please I lo—”
“Don’t do this,” Zayne interrupted me, shaking his head. By now, the tears were streaming down his face freely, each one cutting me deeper and deeper. “Don’t say it. I don’t want to hear it. I just want you to leave.”
