Page 41 of Baby, It's Cod Outside
Jackson bites back the first thing he wants to say.
Jackson wants to say,That shouldn’t have been on you.
Hewants to say,You were a kid. You should’ve been held, not handed a role.
Hewants to say,I’m so goddamn sorry.
Ben doesn’t look panicked anymore, just existentially tired.
“My mom…” he starts softly. He exhales, slow and uneven. “She used to say, if you have more than you need, your job is tomake sure someone else does too. I just feel like I’m letting her down.
“I want to do good things,” Ben continues. “I do. But I keep feeling like I’m running out of time. Like I should already bemorethan I am.”
“Ben…”
“I know,” Ben says, pushing forward before Jackson can interrupt. “I know I’m lucky. I have my job, my dad, I’m basically the walking definition of privilege. I shouldn’t feel like this. I don’t get to feel like this. But sometimes I just…I look around and IknowI’m not where I’m supposed to be. And I don’t know how much time I’ve got left to fix that.”
He drags both hands through his hair, frustrated now, more exasperated than anything. “Which is ridiculous. I’m being ridiculous. Who has a midlife crisis at twenty-six?”
“Hey,” Jackson says, bumping his shoulder lightly against Ben’s. “We love an early bloomer.”
Ben lets out a startled little laugh.
Jackson shifts, one knee folding up onto the bed between them. “Can I tell you something?”
Ben glances at him warily. “Is it going to be emotionally bracing?”
“Oh, almost definitely,” Jackson admits with a grin. “But hopefully in a comforting way?”
He puts a hand on Ben’s knee and catches his eye; Ben holds the eye contact which is a good sign.
“The reason you feel like this? It’s not because you’ve done something wrong,” Jackson says. “It’s because you care. Because you carry everything, everyone, so close to the surface. Even when it hurts. That’s not a weakness, Ben. It’s rare. It’s rare and it’s brave and it’s extraordinary.
“I know what it feels like. I Iived it. Thinking if I make all the right choices, follow the map, things will fall into place. But thensomething knocks you off-course. And then one day you look up and wonder how you ended up somewhere completely different from where you meant to be and whether it is enough.
“After Boston it all felt pointless. I made a lot of quick and reckless decisions. I kept waiting for it to feel like it made sense again. I could have gone to any other city looking for a reporter than Silver Shoals last year. It never made sense to me that I did until you contacted me the other day in the least professional way possible.”
Ben doesn’t laugh, but he huffs softly, like he wants to.
“Tonight, sitting here with you? I don’t feel off-course. I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Do you know how many tiny, impossible things had to happen just so we could meet?” He turns, fully now, facing Ben. “Eight billion people on this planet, and the two of us end up on this bed, on the road to making a real difference. That doesn’t happen if you just follow the plan.”
Ben’s mouth twitches.
“People in your position don’t usually end up next to an investigative reporter who can’t stop thinking about how lucky he is that a miracle like you even exists. You did that yourself and I’m so glad you did.
“You look at yourself and think you’re behind. But, Ben… I look at you, and all I see is someone who is trying so hard. And maybe you don’t think that’s enough. But I do. And I wish you could see yourself the same way.
“You are exactly who you’re supposed to be, exactly when you’re supposed to be it. You don’t have to earn it. You just… are. You don’t need to be perfect. I’m just grateful you’re Ben.”
Jackson’s voice catches. “And I’m so sorry if no one’s told you that recently.”
Ben lifts his head again, eyes glossy and disbelieving. “Thatwasemotionally bracing,” he accuses hoarsely.
Jackson grins, soft and a little breathless. “But comforting?”
Ben’s laugh is half a sob. “Yeah.”
Jackson pulls him in and holds him there, not too tight. His fingers card gently through Ben’s hair.
