Page 5 of Breakdown
In their most recent, unsatisfying session his therapist, Kavazanjian had told him, “We don't get what we want in life, Peter. We get what we think we deserve.”Whatever Peter deserved, it sure as shit wasn’t someone like Nik.
“But I should be better,Nik.”
“You will do better next time.” Nik gave him an encouraging squeeze. “I promise, she is okay.”
“No, sheseemedokay,” Peter said bitterly, breaking his gaze. “There’s a difference, trust me.”
Nik blew out a long breath, working his thumb in small, thoughtful circles against Peter’s ribcage. “I will talk to her. You can apologize to her again later. Perhaps I should watch more closely. Mia is very strong, but maybe sometimes I... She has places only her mother could reach.” He frowned. “I do not suppose that any of us are at our best right now. But I promise you, this morning is not the cause.”
Peter scrubbed his hand back through his hair. He no longer experienced the same dark jealousy that would have followed Nik invoking his dead wife, but he felt a pang of regret that he couldn’t offer Mia the things that Helena could have. “Please don’t act like this is somehow your fault,” he said, choking out an exasperated laugh.
If Peter was too self-loathing, then Nik was far too quick to blame himself. They would go along fine for weeks, but as soon as they hit any kind of snag or stress it was all too easy to fall back into their old patterns. Peter understood it was a process, he did, but he was just so fucking exhausted of being his old self sometimes.
“I know you are concerned about your sister and I have not been...I was distracted with the trial,” Nik continued.
He cupped Nik’s face in his hand. “Not distracted, properly focused. And I’m supposed to be helping you with that, not—” Peter gestured feebly to the dismantled door handle, “—giving you another thing to worry about.”
“I promise you, I have plenty of worry to go around. I can spare some for you.”
“You’re kind of proving my point here, Petrakis.”
“You know how I like to feel useful.” Nik’s warmth radiated against him, steady and safe.
He shot Peter a faint smile and Peter returned it in spite of himself.
“Hey, at least one of us does.”
“None of that,” Nik scolded mildly. “I will remind you as many times as you need to hear it: you are useful and wonderful and one of the best things in my life. You are here and you love me and that is enough. I could not have gotten through this without you.”
“Jesus fucking Christ, you are such a cornball,” Peter complained weakly, leaning his head on Nik’s shoulder. It was embarrassing how much he still craved hearing it; Nik could see his need to be wanted so plainly.
“It is true,” Nik said, pressing a kiss into the hair at his temple.
Peter didn’t know how he had survived so long without it. He sighed. “I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m struggling to find my footing here a little, especially with Mia.” Peter kneaded his thumb into Nik’s palm. “Raising kids has never exactly been a strong suit for the Bauers.”
“Maybe,” Nik conceded. “I watch you and your sister though, and I can see you know the importance of family.”
Yeah, if family meant blind loyalty and conditional affection all wrapped-up in coercion and guilt. “I don’t know if you noticed, but we kind of have a fucked-up idea of that too, Nik.”
“Yes, I will admit that I do not miss all the crime. But you are loyal, Peter and you have found better places to put that loyalty. You are a good man.”
Peter laughed softly. “The jury’s still out on that one. Speaking of, we better get going so you’re not late. I don’t want the court to get the wrong idea about which one of us is the delinquent around here.”
“Formerdelinquent,” Nik said, and pressed a gentle kiss against Peter’s nose. “After today, we will be able to put everything before this in the past where it belongs. You and me and Mia, we will move forward, yes? Together.”
“Yeah,” Peter agreed, because it seemed almost cruel not to. He wasn’t sure he shared Nik’s optimism that locking Stavros firmly behind bars meant all of their troubles would stay there neatly sealed away with him.
But he could almost convince himself of it when Nik kissed him here in the cramped, muggy bathroom of their home—of the first place that had felt likehomein such a long time that Peter found himself utterly overwhelmed by it. Nik’s mouth was pliant and soft and Peter took all of it, full of need. Like the kiss was a promise between them. Like Nik could actually ensure that all this shit was finally behind them for good.
And God, Peter hated how much he needed to believe him.
