Page 56 of One Little Problem
“And I’m not giving them to you. It wasn’t very normal though.” Understatement.
He snorted.
“Whatever,” I said and I turned around this time, to take a moment and not be angry. He didn’t think anything about this lifestyle was normal. I tried to be calm, spoke softly when I continued. “It wasn’t anything you could have prepared for.” I turned back to face him. “I didn’t even know. I wasn’t hiding or afraid to tell you until I was. This thing with Ryan took me totally by surprise. But as it went on, as I thought about stuff, just because I didn’t see it before doesn’t mean it wasn’t there, that this couldn’t have happened at any time. Even if Ryan’s out of the picture, that doesn’t mean it won’t happen again. It could.”
That was why we couldn’t just ignore it, hide it away, pretend like it didn’t exist and then maybe one day it would be over. Whether I was with Ryan or not, I’d always be bi. That had to do with me, not him.
Dad just stared at me for a few moments, and it was super uncomfortable, but at least he was looking at me. “I don’t even know what to do with that,” he said eventually. “It’s like you’re a different person.”
“I’m not,” I insisted.
“You look the same, you talk the same, but I still barely recognize you. Your mom says you’re the same, but I see a stranger. Where’s the young man I used to know?”
I laughed. “I could say the same about you.”
Dad didn’t believe me. “I’m not the one who changed.”
“The way you treat me now has. I used to think I could count on you for anything.”
Almost looked like he wanted to argue with that, but he couldn’t. He looked away, but this time it wasn’t because of me, at least I hoped. Like maybe he was ashamed of himself instead? “Wasn’t expecting this and from the way you tell it, neither were you.”
“Still falls under the heading of anything.” I tried not to be mad, this was a process and whatnot, but maybe I was a bit. Or more frustrated. I just wanted my dad to be on my side. I had never known there was a situation out there where he wouldn’t be on my side, and now we found it and it sucked.
“It’s just not supposed to be like this,” he said gently, imploring me to understand. “You’re my favorite.”
“What?” I took a step back. “You don’t have favorites.” Whoa, that had got kinda intense. We were still outside, in public technically, and now he was talking crazy.
“That’s what we say,” Dad explained. “It’s what you have to say. We love all our kids equally.” He shook his head. “I don’t know why I’m telling you. I’d normally say you’ll understand one day but you won’t, you can’t have a kid with—"
“Hey, the time I have kids with anyone? So far into the future.” I didn’t want to be on one of those Teen Mom shows, and Ryan and I had just now said we loved each other. Anyway, this didn’t make sense. “You’re just saying that,” I accused. “I’m not your favorite.”
“You are,” he insisted. “And Lily is your mom’s.”
Almost sounded plausible… “Well, what about Rose?” I asked.
Dad looked at me frankly. “Rose is her own favorite.” So true.
Huh. Should I call Rose and gloat? Should I plot to overthrow Lily and win the most of Mom’s familial affections? Should I say, what? I’m your favorite? Why didn’t you tell me earlier? Just kidding about all this, I’m totally straight now. That wasn’t gonna happen.
My whole chat with Mom. That was all encompassing. I love you yesterday, today, and tomorrow. It was both of us getting on the same page again. And this just didn’t feel like that. I still really hoped this was a good sign, was progress, but it seemed more that he was focusing on the past. When things were easier and everything made sense. I was his favorite then. Might be different now.
This kinda sucked. But it was okay too. Rose was the worst, but maybe I could take a page from her book. I was still going to shower every day, but I could be my own favorite. As for Dad? “I guess Rose can be your new favorite,” I told him. Or maybe both my parents could like Lily best. She was a solid choice.
“Luke—"
“This is how I am. If that changes things for you, then it changes things for you. I have to live my life, and this is part of it. I can’t have you there for some things and not for others. I need you with me for all of it.” I said what I had to say, then I left.
All in all, I would wish for less dramatic scenes at the batting cages. I had to see everyone who worked here again. I’m not sure how much they paid attention to, but they potentially saw me having a father-son crisis now and once saw me give my boyfriend a black eye. On accident! And we weren’t dating at the time.
So yeah, I could feel the employee’s eyes on me as I was leaving and that felt pretty awkward. And my conversation with my dad hadn’t been exactly awesome. I still felt good though. Like even if Dad stayed stuck where he was, I could move on.
I might not be totally sure about this next part, the part where I said that even without him, I’d be okay. Didn’t really feel like a lie though. I didn’t want to be without my dad. But if I had to be? Maybe I could. I would be okay.
