Page 48 of One Little Problem
Not having a perfect fix, just having to go and be away from Luke or not be with him at all or whatever, all that was going to suck. Ugh, yep, still thought of Mrs. Reynolds whenever I said that now. Anyway, it would be awful, being away from him and that didn’t really change even when we weren’t together. Maybe worrying about it was making it worse too. I kept imagining all the worst things but maybe we would get through it, it’s just.
All of that? Awful. The worst. Yet still, slightly less worse than telling my dad he didn’t get to fall in love again. Wow, way too strong a word; he didn’t even get to fall in like or in lust. Ew, that last one wasn’t exactly awful necessarily… it was just too gross to even consider. Anyway, Dad can’t move on because I’m a giant baby who probably can’t handle it.
Kinda nailing the giant baby thing actually. Sitting here in the middle of the couch, wrapped up in my comforter from my bed, a mobile burrito of sadness as I mindlessly watched TV. Just wanted to sit here, zone out, not think about anything for a while.
But then Dad came out of his room looking at his watch and not looking as rustic as usual.
“Are you going on a date?” I asked, because apparently I didn’t know better than to ask things I didn’t want an answer to.
“Would that be a problem?” he asked. Totally going on a date.
“What, seriously, while I’m here in my time of need and miserable?” The last thing I wanted was company until Dad was going to leave and go out with a mystery woman, which wasn’t even fair because she was only a mystery because I avoided talking about this with him earlier, but still, she could be anyone. She could have fangs for teeth and knifes for hands and shoot lasers from her eyes.
Almost sounded like Mrs. Sharp, except it wouldn’t be her because she was married and a lesbian. What if it was a straight Mrs. Sharp? That was the only thing worse than the real Mrs. Sharp. Straight Mrs. Sharp was going to be my new mommy.
That was unlikely, but I didn’t know for sure, so it was totally possible.
Or the mystery lady could be a vegan. The horror.
“I would stay home if that’s what you wanted,” Dad said.
“I mean, it’s just in poor taste.” I didn’t tell him he shouldn’t go out. That was totally what I wanted, but I still hated to do that. If he took in my sorry state and decided to stay home and I implied he should but didn’t tell him to, then that was totally his choice. Kind of. Dammit.
“Is the problem the timing of things or me dating in general?” Dad wondered.
“Dad,” I said, because that right there was something I didn’t know how to answer. Not without, you know, answering.
“I know you don’t want to do this, especially not now, but we at least need to discuss why you didn’t want to before.”
If Dad wanted to date, I wanted him to date. I just might totally hate it and also didn’t want him to. But at least I didn’t like that about me; I wanted to spare him. And I wanted more time. If we could just postpone this to next week or next month, maybe then I’d be okay with it.
He wasn’t wearing a hat, which was big for him, and his yellow shirt was clean, which was also big for him. God, just marry this lady already. No, actually, no. He shouldn’t do that. Even if otherwise I might tell him to lock it down because this woman probably really liked him. Why else would she tolerate him wearing a belt that didn’t go with the rest of his ensemble and stupid shoes? I didn’t love any part of this, but I also think he should have let me find an outfit for him.
This made my head hurt.
“You know what?” I asked. “Just go out, have a great time.” Don’t say I never gave you anything. You are absolved from taking care of your sad sack son.
“I can’t,” Dad said. He always had to be difficult. He got that from me, or I got that from him. “Not when I’m always wondering if you have a problem with it.”
Record scratch noise. “Oh, that’s, uh, that’s what I wanted to avoid.” Though really, not wanting to discuss it wasn’t a ringing endorsement. Still, him thinking I might have a problem with this wasn’t as bad as him actually knowing it. Because then he’d try to make it better. I didn’t want him giving anything up for me.
“It’s clear there’s an issue here,” he said firmly but gently. “Not talking about it doesn’t make it go away.”
True. But who really cared? Not me, not when it came to crushing my dad’s dreams. “But that’s the thing, I don’t want there to be an issue. Right now, yeah, I’m sad and petty enough to make you stay home with me but otherwise? I might not be totally comfortable with the idea of you going on dates, but I don’t want my stupid issues holding you back.” Dad being happier would probably only to lead good things, for him and us, but it’s not like the instinctive fear in my gut could be reasoned with.
Dad said down on the couch with me. “I don’t think your feelings are stupid.”
No, that wasn’t the part I wanted him to focus on. My stupid parent was being all… paternal. “Dad, it’s been such a long time and you have toyed with dating before—"
“True and true and yet you might still have a problem. I think that’s okay.” Maybe he could try saying the wrong thing. Just for fun.
“I don’t think that’s okay. I mean, I do want you to be happy. And you’ve always been so good about me being gay. You try your best—"
“Because there is no other way for a parent to be,” Dad said firmly. “Not every parent has realized that yet but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. I don’t get points just for doing my job and you’re allowed to feel how you feel, even if it’s not what either of us wants.”
I waited a few moments, hoping something would happen. An asteroid would strike, the house would catch on fire, something to keep me from responding, but it didn’t happen. The moment of truth had finally arrived. “I wanna be okay with this,” I admitted. “But I’m not sure I am.”
At least he wasn’t terribly stunned. He only smiled weakly. “Thanks for telling me.” He sounded sad.
