Page 47 of One Little Problem
Linda was still stuck on one thing. “They’re nothing like us.” She put a hand to her heart, troubled expression permanently gluing itself to her face. “It’s just different when it’s a man and a woman.” Then she realized who she was talking to and pushed the bowl of frosting closer towards me. “Here, have some of that.” She treated me like one unkind word would send me spiraling after what I’d been through.
Unnecessary, but kinda nice. I had some frosting while I argued. “You’re saying anything Luke feels is less than because he’s not feeling it for a girl? Is that what you want? Him to have less?”
“Of course not.” Her face became more angry than worried for a moment. “Which is why he should find a girl—"
“How can you really say one kind of love is better than another? You’ve only experienced one kind.”
“The kind that’s more common, that’s normal—” She got caught up in what she was saying and didn’t even realize she was being offensive that time.
“Being more common doesn’t make something better or worse or normal. Is it really that hard to believe that it’s possible to feel genuine love for someone of the same gender?”
She became apologetic as she said, “I’m sorry, but I can’t imagine it.”
“And I can’t imagine loving a boy,” I told her forcefully. Luke and Ryan owe me so big since I’m putting aside self-preservation and admitting that. Then again, they already knew that. Still, I didn’t need to remind them. Luke didn’t know why they were cool with me and not him.
“I’m not,” she hesitated. Awkwardly offered, “Lydia, I’m not saying you should. I know you can’t just find a boy like Luke can with a girl—" The oven timer went off and she looked relieved, immediately busying herself with a task.
Why were things easier with me than her own child? A bunch of bullshit reasons was my guess. I wasn’t their blood and they didn’t have over 17 years invested in me. They got to swoop in and be the big heroes with me instead. And I was a girl, which for some dumb reason wasn’t always as bad. The big thing? Appearances of course. Alicia and I were usually nowhere near as disgusting as Luke and Ryan. They made a big show of it, because it was just a show for a while. Tim and Linda were left feeling embarrassed and probably foolish, like they missed something or didn’t do something right or should have seen this coming.
I took a breath and continued while she set the cake down on the counter. “Ryan makes Luke happy. Don’t you don’t want him to be happy?”
“Of course I do,” she answered instantly and with exasperation.
“Just because he’s not showing it to you, he’s super down now.” I had to see it, so she had to know about it.
“He’ll get over it.” She grabbed a spoon to start putting the frosting on the cake, but the cake was too hot for that, so I grabbed her hand.
I made an effort to be gentle. “It’s not as easy as you’re imagining for him to just find a girl. He wants to be with Ryan. Being with a girl won’t change his feelings or make him happy, not if he still wishes he was with Ryan. It would just make you more comfortable. You never struck me as the kind of person to put your wants before your kids.”
Just the thought of that made her frown, looking more troubled than she did before and she looked pretty troubled before. “Lydia,” her voice wavered. “It’s not that simple.”
“Are you sure? I’ve been around Ryan and Luke as a couple a lot, a lot more than I ever wanted. Finding a new person for Luke would be like asking you to find someone else, to just get over Mr. Chambers. Could you do that without a lot of grief and heartache?”
Her brow furrowed just like Luke’s did when he was troubled, when his thoughts made no sense to him. “The breakup didn’t seem to trouble him much at first.”
“That’s not the case anymore.” Wasn’t even going to touch why he wasn’t acting bothered at first, it being fake then.
“He… I mean.” She stopped and started a few times. Quietly, she asked, “He really acts like us?”
“Gross, sweet, sappy? All the time.” Well, until they broke up. “He used to anyway. I just don’t get how you or anyone should say he can’t have what you have just because he happens to have it with another guy.”
She stared off into space for a moment, lost in thought. I let her think.
I wondered what my parents were doing right now. I used to wonder that a lot. Now I only had the thought occasionally. I wondered if my siblings would hate me. Lily talked to them in school, said they asked about me, missed me. I didn’t want them to hate me. But if they felt like my parents, or if they would one day, I guess we were better off without each other.
Sometimes, I still wondered what my parents were doing, what they were talking about or thinking about at a given moment. Most of the time, I was probably better off not knowing. It was probably something depressing, not thinking of me at all or worse, praying for me. Begging the lord for me to change, to repent.
Living here with the Chambers was pretty weird. There was this big part of me that they didn’t really talk about, didn’t know how to address. And yet they didn’t want me out there in the world all by myself with nowhere to go. They maybe didn’t like or understand a part of me, but I was welcome here anyway. It was weird but… I liked weird. Almost made it seem like maybe I belonged here.
Linda had been very still, but now she sprang into motion, going to the fridge and getting out the eggs and milk again. She seemed determined, but I didn’t know what she was determined about. She looked at me seriously. What had she decided on? She told me. “We’re going to need another cake.”
* * *
Ryan
Life goes on. Things change. Yada, yada, yada. I got that. Just normally, the future and change always meant something good. When I had a bad day, when someone said something stupid about the queer kid and it actually got under my skin, I could look to the future. To the day I didn’t have to deal with this anymore.
Then I got something amazing. The future? Didn’t seem as perfect and full of possibility as it did before. That was a tough adjustment. I got it though. My wonderful solution of staying here wasn’t so wonderful for a lot of people, maybe me included.
