Page 38 of One Little Problem
“Because distance and time, maybe it doesn’t seem like much to you now—"
“No, it seems like a lot.” Thought that would be a good thing to say, us having common ground, until I said it out loud and Ryan looked like I proved his point.
“See—"
“That’s not a reason to not do it though.” My hands twitched, I wanted to reach out and grab him and hold on tight, even though that would really be sending mixed messages. I had no idea if this was the right thing, but I could be pretty terrible at words, at figuring stuff out. I usually did okay with actions.
“It is for me,” he said. This was so confusing. I wanted to be important to him, but not more important than himself.
“I’m sorry,” I told him. I didn’t think he was trying to shut me out, to put up a barrier about this, where it was just decided and there was nothing anyone could do change it. That was really how it was coming across, but it seemed like he thought he was being reasonable. Like he had things figured out and I just hadn’t gotten there yet. But I felt the same way.
“Are you seriously breaking up with me right now?” His voice wavered.
“I guess I am.” My voice didn’t waver, which was good. I sounded sure about this.
I wasn’t sure at all.
Ryan rushed away. I think so I wouldn’t see him cry. Not like it mattered, I was a few seconds away from crying myself. I just. I think I got what was happening here. He was afraid. And it was really hard to argue with fear. Because you could list all these rational arguments, have a whole army of good reasons and it didn’t make a dent because fear didn’t play by the normal rules, it just took hold and didn’t let go sometimes.
Even though Ryan is a lot, I like that. He’s always interesting and I’m better around him. He notices everything and talks about everything and gets everything I don’t get. I can’t keep up with him, but I try and that makes me a better person. I hope I’m good for him too. He speeds me up and I slow him down.
Before this year, I think my life had been pretty much the same. I got older, the seasons changed, but everything else didn’t change much. Life went on and I guess I got a little more mature, but there was a lot of stuff I missed out on and I didn’t know I was missing out. My life was going well, and I don’t want to be ungrateful for that, but the only issue with things going too well is that there aren’t many chances to grow, to learn new things, to deal with what happened when things didn’t go right.
Change can suck but that doesn’t mean it isn’t needed. And when I’m with Ryan, I feel like I’m always changing for the better and it’s not scary and it doesn’t suck because I barely even notice, it just happens naturally and he makes it okay. Staying the same for too long is its own hurdle. The longer you go without change, the harder it is to change. Even when you need to.
Basically, I really, really love being around Ryan. No. I wanted to do what it takes to make things work between us because I really, really love being around Ryan. Ugh. And now I’m ready to not be with Ryan even though it sucks because, because. I really love being around Ryan. Really, really—
Oh.
I know what it is. I had been getting the order wrong. I don’t really, really love being around Ryan, I mean I do, but that wasn’t what I’d been trying to say. I wanted to do whatever I had to for Ryan because I want what’s best for him. I really, really love him.
I love Ryan.
Yeah, that’s it. I really, really love Ryan. Huh. I’ve being trying to figure all this out, but I guess it’s pretty simple. That’s all I needed to know.
