Page 35 of One Little Problem
The smart, methodical guy that did all his homework and got great grades, that did careful experiments in science class. The one who wasn’t just motion and limbs. I liked all parts of Ryan, even the ones I wasn’t as familiar with.
While now was the time to be having fun and making memories we could treasure while we were apart, I asked, “Why didn’t you tell your dad you wanted to stay here?” In my defense, I waited to say that until after he took his shot, so I wasn’t trying to sabotage him.
We walked to the next hole, Ryan jumping up on the bench next to the previous course instead of going around. He towered over me for a second until he jumped down and nearly toppled over, but I was there and ready to keep him from falling to the ground. “He wouldn’t get it,” Ryan said like it was simple, head held high and not acknowledging his near fall even though his face became a bit pink.
“Not sure I get it,” I grumbled while following him. See, I did know a lot about him, like that he was totally going to stumble, so I was there to catch him. That was part of my job. Like Ryan’s dad said, relationships were about both people but that didn’t mean there weren’t parts where one person took up the focus, like me when figuring out who I was, like Ryan now; it was his turn to go be excellent.
“You don’t get that you’re awesome, and I’m awesome, and together we’re even awesomer?” He gestured for me to take my turn but I didn’t.
I sighed. Summer was always a blur. It went by so fast and I worked all the time. Wasn’t too bad, I normally used the money I made for the rest of the year. Wasn’t like Ryan was going to be missing much. “I don’t think staying here is going to be as good as you’re imagining.”
“It’s my choice,” he said stepping closer and lowering his voice. “Not my dad’s. Not yours either.” We were both wearing blue. We didn’t coordinate, that would be super girly. It seemed like we matched a lot these days anyway. We just wore the same color or things that would compliment each other, like we were in sync.
“Normally, I would agree but it feels like it’s about me too. Why else would you want to stay here?”
“We’re supposed to be getting a new dairy queen this summer.” He gestured for me to take my turn again and I still didn’t. We didn’t feel very in sync at the moment.
I scoffed. “People have been saying that for like eight years.” We only had one Dairy Queen, the line was always long as hell, and their ice cream machine broke like half the time in the heat.
“All the more reason this year will finally be the year we get a new one.” Ryan crossed his fingers.
“Ryan—” Even if that were true, me and Dairy Queen weren’t exactly the kind of things you’d find on a postcard saying wish you were here. That wouldn’t draw anyone in. Maybe Ryan, since he was my boyfriend, but still.
And then someone coughed pointedly and we shuffled out of the way so they could play while we weren’t. This hole had an alligator whose mouth you had to get the ball into by timing it right because his mouth opened and closed. The fake creature was just green and around the same size as the real animal. It didn’t blend in with the green of the course, it was darker, and it had beady black eyes, not like red or something, so it wasn’t especially scary; mini golf catered to a lot of families and young kids. I’d never been scared by the alligator before, but something about it seemed especially ominous now.
Ominous, that was another word I probably only knew thanks to Ryan. He made me better; did I do the same for him?
Ryan and I moved to the side of the course, so the family behind us could play through. There was a young boy and girl and two parents. Ryan put a hand on my shoulder to get my attention. “Why do you want to talk me out of staying here?” He tried to whisper as we were having a private conversation, but I’m pretty sure the whole family on hole seven heard him anyway.
“I don’t but why don’t you even want to talk about it?” I was looking at Ryan, until I saw the little boy pointing at us. Asking what we were doing. I wasn’t sure if the parents knew us or just had an inkling of our relationship thanks to Ryan’s hand on my shoulder or body language, but they firmly instructed their kids to golf and tried to hurry them along.
“I thought we already talked about it,” Ryan said. “Don’t see what’s so hard to believe about me liking you, thinking we should enjoy this while—” he cut off abruptly, but I heard where he was going with that anyway.
“What, while it lasts? So now you think I’m just gonna forget you over the summer? You can’t trust me alone?” That stung. Ryan had more of a boisterous personality, it was hard for him to hide things, so how he felt was usually broadcast pretty clearly. I wasn’t like that. Did he not know I was crazy about him? Maybe I had a slightly better poker face than him, but I was bad at hiding things when I tried, and I also wasn’t trying very hard.
“No, that’s not what I’m saying.” He paused, biting his lip again while he thought. “I just. I think I wanna stay.” He shrugged. “I’m happy with how things are right now.”
The family finished the hole and the Mom glared at us for a moment before moving on with the rest of her family. I glared right back, and it didn’t seem like she was expecting that, so she averted her gaze and went to catch up with her group. Then I felt bad. Like, geez lady, what if one of your kids was gay? There’s nothing wrong with it. But then again, she thought she was protecting her kids. She didn’t mean any harm. I thought there was still some harm in it, but she didn’t mean any. We didn’t mean any harm either. God, why was everything so complicated? Everyone was trying to do the right thing and yet things still got messed up.
I turned back to Ryan. “I’m not sure you staying is the right choice.” I wanted to reassure him, but it’s not like I could see the future and tell him things would be okay. I didn’t know that for sure. I still wanted to have the right things to say, I just wasn’t always very good at that.
Not knowing what else to do, I went to putt finally. I didn’t have enough patience and hit the ball too early, and it bounced off the closed alligator’s mouth. Dammit.
Ryan moved to take his shot, setting his ball down and lining up his club, but then he paused and looked at me. “We should keep golfing, right? What do we do now?” We stared at each other a moment. “Are we fighting?”
Huh. We’d fought before, disagreed but… things usually got heated, emotions running high. We tended to do things big. Somebody yelled, somebody stormed off. Now were just, like, having a relatively calm, rational difference of opinions and he didn’t know what to do next. Neither did I.
Was this a fight? “I have no idea,” I told him.
He chuckled but didn’t really seem amused. I smiled nervously at him while trying to put my thoughts into words. “If I’m the main reason keeping you here, it’s like I’m holding you back. I don’t want you staying for me.” There. I did it. I’m not supposed to hold him back. I catch him when he falls, but I don’t tell him not to jump. He’s Ryan. He’s always going to jump even though he might fall.
Or I had thought so. Maybe I didn’t know him as well as I thought.
“I’m not staying for you.” Ryan smiled sweetly. “It’s for us.”
That didn’t really make me feel better.
I dropped it for the moment. I hadn’t really been super comfortable dating a guy in public before. Being out or whatever, it was all new. Maybe he thought that would happen again. And I wasn’t sure there was anything I could do to convince him. He just had to see it for himself. But he wouldn’t if he stayed.
