Page 34 of One Little Problem
“No, sir. Not at all.” Except that they were less suspicious, so Ryan and I sometimes had my house to ourselves but that was a thought his dad really did not need to hear.
“Sorry, son. Uh, are you going to be at the ranch this summer?”
“Yeah.” Same place I worked last year. Hey, sometimes I really was a genius. “Ryan have a job lined up yet?” This was the perfect way to bring this up.
“No, since he’s going to be in Chicago.” The suspicion had never really left him but now it grew in volume. “He didn’t tell you?”
“Didn’t know it was definite.” Ryan was treating it like it wasn’t.
“It better be,” Mr. Miller said darkly. “Wouldn’t want someone he’s spending time with to screw up his priorities.” Okay, maybe this wasn’t the opportunity I thought it was. Ryan’s dad didn’t really need an excuse to murder me since he thought I wasn’t good enough for his son but having an excuse at least gave him a fighting chance when it came to the jury believing his story and him not going away for life after he killed me.
“Oh, here we go,” Ryan groaned.
“I agree, sir,” I said quickly, though maybe it just seemed nervous and not like I really did agree. I really did agree.
“Do you? We both agree that him getting college credit is more important than sitting around here waiting for you to get off work?”
“Totally. Right Ryan?”
“I’m just going to say again that I want to go now.” Ryan put some distance between us on the couch, like he saw through my clever plan, which wasn’t even fair because it wasn’t even working out.
“Relationships are about both people,” Mr. Miller lectured. I ignored the part of my heart that thudded painfully for a moment, the part of my brain that whispered he sounded like my parents. “No one person can get their way all the time.”
“Even if sometimes one of them is wrong?” I asked.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong,” he answered. Now he really sounded like my parents. “You have to do what’s best for each other.” He fixed me with an especially serious look. “You have to do what’s best for Ryan.”
“Each other,” Ryan corrected.
“And you, he can’t just think of himself. What you want isn’t more important than your partner.”
I agreed. That was the problem. When it came to me and our relationship, him staying would probably be best for both those things. And it seemed like that’s what Ryan was thinking about, not about himself. Ryan got me out the door after that, but I kept thinking about it.
I wondered if Ryan was doing that thing he did where he seemed all sure of himself and confident but then he’s actually kinda insecure because life hasn’t been super easy for him and maybe he thinks that if he gives me time away from him, I’ll come to my senses. I’ll say, hey, life is so much easier without him.
Not to sound mean, but uh, duh? Like, obviously life without dating a guy in this relatively small Midwest town would be easier. That’s true even without factoring in his personality. But even with that, I decided I wanted to be with him. I’m not taking it back just because life was easier before. Easier doesn’t mean better. I actually think it would have been a little easier and better if I’d had the opportunity to do some of the hard stuff sooner. Like, if I’d picked up on being bi sooner, before I liked Ryan. That would have made things both better and easier.
Because since that truth is in my life? I don’t want it gone. I don’t want to erase knowing that. All I would change is being more prepared to face that truth. I don’t really care if Ryan being in my life is harder. I still want him in my life. Maybe he doesn’t know that? I clearly haven’t found the right way to tell him.
When I said Ryan was exhausting, yeah, I meant that. But also that I didn’t know if it was good or bad. Don’t think it is good or bad. There are times when I need a nap after hanging out with him, but it’s not a job or chore. I also really love being around him. Really, really, really love being around him? I really love being around Ryan… I’m not getting this right. What am I trying to say? I really love being around him. No, that’s not it. I’ll come back to it.
Sometimes that’s all I can do, leave it be and come back to it. I’ll bang my head against the wall over and over again if I let myself, sure I’ll get somewhere eventually. The only thing I can do is stop and try again later.
Ryan normally had pretty good judgement, even if the craziest stuff came out of his mouth on a regular basis. Everybody got it wrong sometimes though. I certainly did, so it wasn’t a problem that it was his turn now. It was just, I wasn’t sure what to do. How did I get through to Ryan? He was stubborn and normally right to be, so how did I get him to see that this time I think he got it wrong?
* * *
I’m going to blame my inability to keep my mouth shut on Ryan. He always says the stuff he’s trying not to say and apparently that’s contagious. Still better than a lot of other things one could transmit, but it was totally why I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and just enjoy our date. Totally his fault.
We were at the little fun park thing in town, but not at the batting cages this time, at the mini golf course. I wanted to just enjoy this because I understood the appeal of staying with him all summer, making new memories or something sappy like that and maybe the right thing to do was to continue having good times together and talk about our issues later.
Easy at first. In some ways, Ryan and I had gotten comfortable. Thought I knew him pretty well. But there was more to him than being a spaz with the inability to keep his mouth shut. Granted, that was still a big part of him. The first hole was always an easy one, the beginning of the course, and it was just an L shape with little decorations that were outside the green and not obstructing it, so you just had to hit the corner where the two lines of the L connected and send it down from one long strip to the other. I didn’t get a hole in one but almost, it was just a little tap away from going in.
I would get annoyed at Ryan being so competitive if I wasn’t the exact same way. He wanted to do just as good as I did and sent his club flying along with the ball in his effort. Instead of just enjoying our night out together, we were going to try to beat each other. Or Ryan was going to try to beat me; I could keep things fun and casual.
Yeah, no I couldn’t. So maybe we were a good match.
I expected Ryan would just take wild shots, mouth going nonstop, but his mouth would go nonstop right until it was his turn and then he’d look down at his ball with intense concentration, brown hair falling into his eyes, biting his lip as he lined up his shot, and I’d remember, oh yeah, there was a lot to Ryan that I didn’t always see.
