Page 30 of One Little Problem
“No, I want to talk about yours! And mine! It might take time with Luke, but we really should be talking.”
I shook my head. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
Avoiding feelings and pretending everything was fine wouldn’t lead anywhere good. Wasn’t like I suddenly decided the stupid train sounded fun and I should get on board. I wasn’t doing this for me. This would be better, right? Just ignoring what I didn’t like, pretending that nothing was wrong. Maybe it hurt a bit, but it was a lot better than me getting angry. Being a jerk to the guy who was trying so hard, my stupid Dad who didn’t deserve my stupid feelings.
There was a wary, foreboding feeling in my chest whenever I tried to think about Dad moving on from Mom. From it being a hypothetical to being real. I tried to process it and all I came up with were crazy scenarios, like what if Dad was dating Rhea Perlman? Would I call her Rhea or the esteemed Ms. Perlman? Or worse, what if she expected me to call her Mom? Could I really say no to Rhea Perlman? And when I wasn’t having crazy thoughts, there was just nervous, hysterical laughter in my head. I normally started with crazy thoughts and then little by little came back to rationality.
Now, I could barely think. My mind stalled at the crazy place and wouldn’t budge. There was just too much doubt, too much fear, making it hard to figure things out. I didn’t like it, but I also didn’t know how to get rid of it. And sometimes, I didn’t even notice it. Like I had gotten used to the feeling, which made no sense, because what else was I afraid of? Nothing. Usually nothing. But this? It was a little alarming.
If I wasn’t okay with this, then it was better that no one knew. I’d rather have that. I’d rather be stubborn and emotionally stunted than the guy whobegrudged my dad for trying to be happy. I really didn’t want to be that guy. Pretty sure I wanted to punch that guy in the face. Dad was doing his best and I couldn’t even meet him halfway.
So, there was nothing to say. There was nothing to think about. Everything was perfect.
* * *
Luke
Having only spent 17 years on this planet in a relatively small, Midwestern town, I might not be the definitive expert on all the wonders this world has to offer, but I can still provide some insight based on my experiences. And wow, I sounded so worldly right there. Maybe I could actually provide an expert opinion.
Best experiences: pitching a no-hitter. Jumping off a cliff at the lake. Being of the age where you can drive to the lake with just buddies and no adult supervision. Doing a bunch of ill-advised things at the lake that probably prove getting older doesn’t mean you don’t need adult supervision, you just get to take stupid chances and make dumb decisions without anyone there to stop you. Eating double bacon cheeseburgers.
Why am I making this list? I’ll get to that in a second.
My parents were doing something on the weekend. I was watching Lily, and no one had questioned me or worried about who I might have over while they were gone. So of course, Ryan and I were making out on the couch after Lily had gone to bed.
The whole lying to my parents and his dad thing? Yeah, that wasn’t the best. On the other hand, making out on the couch. And having the house almost to ourselves. It was just really hard to argue with making out on the couch. Guess this whole thing was working out pretty well.
Which Ryan knew and was being smug about. Even though he was under me and I had his hands pinned above his head, trying to wrangle him into submission, he would not be swayed. He pouted his half insane/half ridic pout. “One more time. Please?” He relaxed into my hold a bit, as if trying to convince me he was docile and innocent. Yeah right.
I gave in anyway. “Fine,” I sighed, my breath releasing on an exhale against the skin below his ear. “You were right.”
“Oh my god, you should always be whispering those words in my ear.”
Well, that was nice to hear, so I did it again. “You were right,” I whispered and paused to nip at his ear and then he made a noise that was also really nice to hear, so I did it again and then said, “This worked.”
“Yay.” He looked smug and happy, like a cat lying in the sun. Now that he was getting his way, he did stop fighting me, relaxing and letting himself be praised and kissed. I should probably do something about this soon. His smugness would know no bounds, growing and growing until he thought he got to make all our relationship decisions, until it threatened the planet… Eh, I’d worry about it later.
“Yay to it working or you being right?” I wondered idly, moving my hands and trailing them down Ryan’s arms.
Not even waiting a second, he put his arms on my chest. “Come on, you know the answer is both.”
“I’d complain but. I am liking this.” Our lips met while our hands explored.
This right here? Pinning Ryan under me and trying to kiss him into being quiet? Pretty much the best experience on Earth.
Better than a no hitter, better than being with friends and doing dumb stuff; there was no one better than Ryan to do dumb stuff with. Yeah, this was about as good as moments got and I wanted it to last and last and last.
“Is the lesson we learned here,” Ryan said, pulling his mouth away from mine a bit, because even when I don’t voice thoughts he can contradict out loud, just so that he doesn’t contradict them or do the opposite, it’s like he sometimes knows when I’m having those thoughts anyway. “That we should always listen to me and never to you?”
Ryan grabbed onto my ass, maybe because he knew I was going to protest and tried to stop it, which was nice, but then he started trying to flip me, which was less nice.
“No, it’s really not,” I said while putting more weight on him so he couldn’t go anywhere. Or maybe that had been his plan because he kind of smirked.
“Lying is always better than the truth?” he tried.
“I mean, yeah,” I admitted. That did seem true in this case. “But I don’t think that should be the lesson.” Lying was always better than the truth didn’t seem like the kind of thing Big Bird would say and that giant yellow bird was always full of wisdom.
“Or maybe,” he said, pecking me on the lips, “The lesson is,” he kissed me quickly again. “That you and I should not be using our mouths to talk when we’re alone together?” His mouth lingered near mine that time.
