Page 29 of One Little Problem
But I couldn’t? “You can’t just lock me away. This isn’t Russia or wherever they lock people up.” Where did they happen exactly? “Prison. Rapunzel’s tower. Russia again.” See, with a different parent and child, this might be the point when the adult asked their offspring if they had been drinking. Since it was me, Dad didn’t even notice I was being weird. Because I wasn’t being weird. This was pretty normal for me, drunk or not.
Dad didn’t agree. “You’re acting weird.” There was one light on, but it still kinda dark in here, so Dad turned on a lamp. Or he tried but seemed very confused when his hand met air instead of the lamp. Dad got the lamp where it had been knocked over and gave me a knowing look.
However, he didn’t immediately question my hand-eye coordination because I didn’t have any. This was all typical Ryan behavior, so I didn’t understand what was happening. Nothing about this stood out as out of the ordinary to me. Naturally, I panicked. “I’m totally normal. This is how I am all the time!” Unfortunately accurate. “If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen.”
“We’re in the living room.” Good, because having a TV in the kitchen seemed sort of tacky.
“That was a metaphor,” I told him defiantly.
He looked at me strangely. “This is what I’m talking about.”
“There’s nothing weird happening!” Deny, deny, deny until I couldn’t anymore. And even then, I would still probably try denial. I wouldn’t go down that easily.
“I know,” Dad said. “There’s nothing weird happening.” Okay, now I was confused again. “That’s what’s weird.” Then he just stared at me like things didn’t make sense, which yeah, but it seemed like he expected me to help him make things make sense. Which, huh? No one had ever trusted me with that job ever, for good reason.
“It’s weird that nothing is weird?” I asked.
“Yeah. I really didn’t think you’d get over Luke this fast.”
Oh right. Having to pretend to be sad was really a challenge for me as this whole conversation proved. I could be really terrible at subterfuge sometimes. A lot of the time. I didn’t think that part through when coming up with the plan.
Dad stared at me like he figured something out. We already established I didn’t give up that easily, so I groaned and said, “Now you just brought him up, oh my pain.” I brought a hand to my head and tried to grimace while also studying my father and trying to gauge how much of this he bought.
Dad kept staring at me. “You’re not really broken up, are you?”
Uh-oh, red alert. Danger, danger. “How dare you? I’M DEVASTATED OVER HERE. ARE YOU NOT FEELING MY DEVASTATION?” I flung myself into a chair, trying to curl up into a ball of sadness.
He sighed. “You don’t need to be so dramatic.”
“My heart was ripped out and stomped on!” I wailed. “I’m going to cry.” I made sniffling noises.
Dad crossed his arms. “I can tell when you fake cry.”
“No, you can’t.” That might not have been the right thing to say but I was offended. And he couldn’t see my face at the moment because it was hidden in the ball of sadness, so I could totally be crying right now.
“For one, you don’t usually announce it when you really cry,” Dad said, smug in the knowledge of his stupid rightness.
I got the feeling I wasn’t going to win this. “I would like to be alone with my pain now,” I announced. Strategic retreat was my only option.
Instead, Dad sat down on the couch. I uncurled myself and faced him warily. At least I did feel sober now. I didn’t drink too much to begin with and trying to get through this conversation had taken away any little buzz I had.
“Look, I get it,” Dad said. Uh-oh, he knew I’d been drinking? “I don’t like Luke,” he continued. Oh, he was talking about something else. “His parents have their own issues, so you came up with a solution.” I opened my mouth to deny it, but he raised a hand and kept talking. “It’s fine, but just let me in on it with you,” he said or maybe asked. “I know I’m not making this the easiest but just because I have reservations about Luke doesn’t mean I don’t want you to be happy,” he told me earnestly. “I would hate it if you were broken up. Because I know he’s what makes you happy right now, and I just want you to be happy.”
That was… I didn’t know what to do with this information. It should make me ecstatic or a little good, right? I thought that having a gay son and having a gay son with a boyfriend were two different things, that Dad couldn’t handle the latter. And as soon as he realized that was what I thought, he told me his concerns about Luke because he didn’t want me thinking he was ashamed of me or something. He was a good, no, he was a great Dad.
This stuff wasn’t always easy for him and he had no clue before me but there he was, always seeming to be figuring out the right things to say, always trying even if he didn’t get it and that alone meant so much, so I should feel good. He leveled with me. Told me he couldn’t make himself trust Luke, and yeah, he got overprotective from time to time but this was almost a blessing. Even if Luke wasn’t who he’d pick for me, he was alright with it because Luke made me happy.
I could tell him that Luke and I were still together. Just a little while ago, his words would have been all I needed to hear. This would have helped so much. I should like these words. Why didn’t I like these words? Why didn’t this make me happy?
“This is a trap,” I said; I didn’t know what else to say.
He sighed. “It’s not a trap.”
“I’m super sad right now.” I doubled down.
“Ryan,” he sighed.
This is pointless. “How about this?” I stood up. “I won’t talk about your relationship and you won’t talk about mine, which should be easy because I’m not in one anymore.” I turned to leave.
