Page 28 of One Little Problem
Zach held a hand over his heart. “Oh, I am just so proud of you today.” First the pop culture thing, then using touché correctly. Joey used to think that was another way to say butt, like tushy. Yeah, I was proud too, so I lifted my cup towards him in a salute.
That was about all I could do during this exchange. I was laughing my ass off. Would have been cool if I could get it together because then I could make fun of one or both of them, but nope, I just kept laughing. I was really glad it hadn’t been me. Yeah, I was bi and so was Zach. But ew. Those two weren’t remotely sexual to me. I mean, Zach kinda. He was a sexual person and maybe if I never met him before and he never annoyed me, but uh, anyway.
“You guys are cute,” Ryan said in reference to Joey and Zach. It was really weird that Zach annoyed me all the time and I wanted to murder him, but Ryan also annoyed me all the time. And I only wanted to murder him a little, but mostly I wanted to put my mouth all over him.
“Are not!” Joey defended. Finally, he caught up to what Zach said at the beginning. One could blame it on the alcohol but nah. Just took him a while sometimes. “You want to forget?” he questioned Zach. “You’re the one who’s queerballs. It was gross for me, not you.”
“Wasn’t pleasant for me, seeing as it was after you’d been dared to eat dog food.” Zach shuddered.
“No, it wasn—”
“That would make it worse then,” Zach informed him. “Why was your breath so bad if you hadn’t eaten anything gross yet?”
“Hey, don’t be mean.” Joey frowned at his friend.
“I’m just saying, it was gross for me, and maybe for you too—” Zach held his head high. “—But I still probably taught you something.”
“Don’t want talk about it,” Joey said forcefully. “But don’t be hurtful!”
I had been laughing nonstop and I just continued laughing, but Ryan nuzzled into me and giggled with me and that made everything even better.
The party continued and a good time was had by all.
I may not be brightest person in the world, but the mathematics of lying were difficult for everyone to figure out. Lying was bad, that was the Sesame Street lesson. As you got older, you learned about all the exceptions to the rule. The bending of the truth when it wouldn’t hurt anybody: I hit 20 homeruns last year instead of one. The white lies to make people feel better: yes, I like your haircut. Keeping your mouth shut to protect someone else: no, I didn’t see who knocked your cow over, Mr. Michaels, and I have no idea where Joey is.
In this situation, it might have been okay to lie.
This party and nights like this were why I liked Ryan’s dumb plan. It was supposed to give us leeway with our parents, but at times like this, it wasn’t really about them. It was about us getting to be us. And that? There was no question there. I liked that.
* * *
Ryan
Genius was Luke’s nickname, but I had some pretty good ideas too. Like breaking up. Oh, now I made myself sad. My frowny face stared back at me in the reflection from the window as I stood outside my house. No, the breakup wasn’t real. Had to remember that. My frowny face turned upside down and then I frantically looked around for something to hold onto because everything was flipping over, but nope, it was just my face.
Saying how intoxicated I was would be difficult because it’s not like I could walk in a straight line and touch my toes even when I was sober. I was clearheaded enough to immediately realize that it wasn’t the toes you had to touch during that drunk test because that might not be possible, touching your toes while walking in a straight line.
I hadn’t even had a drink! Just Luke’s. Except every time I stole his cup, he grumbled but then his head would graze against the back of mine in an almost nuzzle and I could feel him smiling against my neck. Naturally, I had to make that happen as much as possible. One could call me a little buzzed and then I would tell that one to shut up, they don’t know me, they don’t know my life, but uh.
My current predicament was whether I should try to sneak into my house when there was at least a 30% chance I might accidentally kill myself while trying to be stealthy. Maybe I should just walk inside confidently. I tended to overcorrect and be too enthusiastic about an answer when I meant the opposite. For once in my life, I could just be chill and walk into the house. Nothing to see here.
I squared my shoulders, held my head high, and determinedly walked inside. I made it. Hell yeah! Then I did a fist pump and little celebration dance for getting inside and I knocked over a lamp. Since when was that there in the same place it always was?
I looked to Dad’s bedroom and waited for him to come bursting through the door or maybe for the spotlights to shine on me like this was a prison breakout movie. The house was quiet. Oh, I voted for prison breakout movie because then there’d be hot, jacked guys with tattoos.
Only nothing happened. Dad wasn’t jumping out at me from the shadows, there to catch me after I arrived home late. Wow, Dad’s hearing was terrible. Did I just say that out loud? “Doesn’t matter. You’re hearing is terrible.” Definitely said that one out loud. But there was no parental backlash, which proved my point.
Then Dad walked in the front door and it really confused me for a moment. What was he doing there if he was also in his room? How dare he have the power to be in two places at once and keep it from his only son? We could use this power of his for good or evil—I hadn’t decided which one yet. Oh right, I realized belatedly. He hadn’t actually been in his room. I only thought he had been, because he usually went to bed early and had no life.
He had a life now. A life I knew nothing about. Which was annoying because that was both what I did and didn’t want at the same time. The silence between Dad and I stretched on.
This was awkward. We stared at each other dumbly. Wait, I got it! “What do you think you’re doing, young man?” I asked him in my best disapproving parent voice. “Do you have any idea what time it is?” Put him on the defense. Go team.
“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” Big words for a guy sneaking in like a Ryan.
“I’ve been here the whole time.” Needed to make that clear.
“Well, I’m a grown man, I’m allowed to leave the house when I want.”
