Page 72 of Bully's Darkness
“You swore that was our secret,” I say with a mock gasp.
He grins. “I refuse to make such a monstrous sandwich, so enjoy the ham and cheese.”
I unwrap it and take a bite. My appetite seems to have picked up, a sign that things are starting to go back to how they were. My nightmares are still plaguing me through the night, and who knows when they’ll fade, but the doc gave me some sleeping pills to help.
“Bria and Lords have been together a lot lately,” says Bully, side-eyeing me like he’s waiting for me to offer up information on my sister.
I shrug. “She’s chatty with all the guys. Don’t read too much into it.”
“No?”
I scoff. “I mean, Bria and Lords? Really? She’d corrupt him and his faith.”
Bully laughs, wiping his mouth and throwing his wrapper back in the basket. He leans back on his palms, watching the sunset. Ilie back, placing my hands behind my head and staring up at the fading blue sky.
Bully
I glance down at Liv. She’s lying back, eyes half-closed, face soft in the evening light. And my heart aches with love. It’s been so long since I actually just looked at her.Reallylooked. When we’re together like this, I can almost forget that I’ve lost her.
I clear my throat as my stomach twists tight. I have things I need to say, things she needs to hear. “I was a bastard to you.”
Her eyes flick to me, cautious, like she’s not sure if I’m being serious or if I’m about to tell her a joke. I twist round so I’m looking down at her. “Not just once. Not just the cheating. Not just the lying or the bullshit excuses. It’s all the ways I didn’t see you.” I take a breath. “You’d walk into the room, and I’d look right past you, Liv. At someone louder. Someone easier. Someone who didn’t make me feel things I didn’t know what to do with.” I scrub my hand over my jaw.
“I thought love was supposed to be messy. Dangerous. Fast. Like a fight you wanted to lose. But you . . . you were patient with me when I didn’t deserve it. You gave me so many chances that I pissed away, and you still showed up.” I stare out to the sun as it dips behind the trees, then I look back to her. “I don’t know how to undo it. I can’t go back, but I can stand in front of you now and say I’m sorry.” I swallow hard, my voice dipping lower.
“I’m sorry I made you feel small. Invisible. Replaceable. You were never that. Not even for a second. I was just too stupid and too selfish to see what was standing right in front of me.” She blinks, her throat bobbing like she’s full of emotion. “You deserved better than who I was. And I’m not saying I’ve figured it all out, but I see you, Liv.I see you.And if you’ll let me, I want to do better by you. Not just say it . . .showit.”
Silence settles between us, heavy and charged. But it’s out there now. The truth, with no sugar-coated lies. Everything I should have said from the start. Everything I’ve been wanting to say since I found her sobbing in the shower after Dagger.
She pulls her knees to her chest, resting her chin there and staring out into the distance. “You don’t get it,” she eventually whispers. She lays her head to the side, watching me closely. “You say you see me now, and maybe you do, but I’ve spent so long waiting for you that your words feel . . . empty. Like you’re saying them because you feel like you should, because you can feel it’s different now that I really am ready to walk away.” She gives a small, unamused laugh. “Do you even know what it feels like to come second, third even?”
I open my mouth to speak, to tell her I’m serious this time, but she cuts me off. “No, let me finish.” I give a nod, remaining silent. “I wanted so badly to be enough for you. And when I wasn’t, I told myself I didn’t care. That I was tough and could handle it. But secretly, it broke me, bit by bit.Youbroke me. And I still love you.” My body stills, dreading her next words. “That’s the worst part. I never stopped. I can never seem to stop, even when you were with somebody else. I love you like it’s wired into my bones.” Her eyes glisten with unshed tears, and she breathes deeply. “But I’m scared, Bully. Terrified that if I let you back in, if I put those pieces in your hands again, you won’t hold them together.” I exhale a shuddering breath. “I want to forgive you, but I think I’ll always be holding back, waiting for you to leave me standing in the dark again.”
“I won’t,” I say simply. “And I don’t know how to show that, how to prove it, but I know what it’s like to live without you and I hate it. I need you by my side.” I carefully brush the hair from her face. “When I got out, I was desperate to prove to the brothers, to Jameson, that I was worthy to run this club just like my dad, just like Hawk. I threw myself in, trying to prove myself,and I forgot about the most important person in all of it.You. Yeah, I can run the club, but without you, I don’t want to. You make me the best version of their president. Without you, there’s no point in any of it.”
“What are you saying?”
I shrug, the words almost choking me. “That if you want me to, I’ll walk away.” Silence deafens me as I look her in the eye. “I’ll step away from the club.”
After what feels like forever, she offers a gentle, almost sad smile. “This is your life,” she whispers.
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “You’re my life. Everything I want is with you.”
“I don’t want you to walk away from this place,” she mutters, glancing back at the clubhouse. “It’s you,” she says simply with a shrug. “And without it, you wouldn’t be you anymore. I can handle the club life,” she continues, “but if you’re going to love me, Bully, it can’t be halfway or half in. This time, I need your all.”
Hope fills my chest, and I find myself nodding, scared that if I take my eyes off her for a second, she’ll change her mind. “There are no more chances after this,” she continues. “No more excuses.”
“I promise.”
Her eyes search my face. “Don’t make me look like a fool again.”
I lean in, kissing her gently on the cheek, then the lips, soft and slow as I climb over her and push her onto her back. “Never again.”
“And we take things slow, until I can trust you fully.”
“I won’t let you down again, Liv. I’m lucky you’re agreeing to give me this chance, and I won’t blow it. I am going to treat you like the queen you deserve. No one compares.”
Epilogue
