Page 86 of Switch
Maybe I’ve finally got him.His face falls, as if he’s tired simply from thinking about it.
“You’re right,” he says softly.“I was finally able to sleep thanks to you.I really appreciated that.”
“Then stay.I promise I never told you a single other lie, and I never will again.What will it take to get you to believe me?You already have enough information to bury me, and you’re telling me you’re the one who’s lost trust?”
The second that last sentence is out of my mouth, I realize it’s a mistake.Reminding him that I’m a killer, on top of the other reasons he’s afraid to trust me, was not the right call.
My heart’s pounding, the sound drumming in my ears.Across from me, Fallon stands rigid and silent.The only other sound comes from the lady one floor up who’s always yelling at her kids.
“I was about to quit my job for you,” he says at last.“The thing that got me back on my feet after I lost Marina, and I almost gave it up so you and I could be together without sneaking around anymore.”
“I didn’t ask you to.”As much as it sucked, I was willing to be his dirty secret.I would have done anything for him.Maybe I was supposed to be the dominant one, but he was always the one in control.
When I feel the urge (again) to beg, I pull my shoulders back and I ball my hands into fists.I clench them tight until my short nails dig into my skin.God, I want to reach for him.
Don’t.If he doesn’t believe you, then he doesn’t.If he’s going to go, let him.
I remember my mom, face streaked with mascara.Slamming doors.The way she begged those sacks of dicks not to leave her.Over and over, they left anyway.Left her with her dignity in tatters, and her son ignored her while she cried and got drunk or got high to drown out the pain.The time she was so “heartbroken” that she forgot she’d left me outside, banging on the trailer door in the punishing summer heat.By the time a neighbor found me I’d become ill and severely dehydrated.
That cannot be me.It will never be me.
“Then go.”
Fallon freezes.I think I’ve surprised him.My hope that he’ll backpedal is short-lived.
With a curt nod, he takes Bruiser and walks out.I stare at the door, counting each of his footsteps on the stairs.The lady up above shouts something that starts out with “How many times do I have to tell you…”
All I can think to myself is, they’ll never learn.I didn’t.
All those times my mother gave herself away to someone and begged for them to love her, I’d considered them an important lesson learned.But I didn’t learn at all, did I?
I fell in love with a man, a widower thirteen years my senior, who made it clear from the very beginning that he wasn’t ready to have a relationship with me.I stupidly claimed him anyway.
“Where baby go?”I look down at Jolene, who’s blinking at me with one claw raised, tapping delicately on my pant leg.“Where baby go?”she says again.
I shrug.Fucking hell, my chest hurts.
“Baby left, Jojo.”
There’s one more ridiculous burst of hope.Fallon only took Bruiser’s stuff.He’ll have to come back for his clothes.Then I remember we went by his place this morning before he dropped me off at brunch and went to his faculty thing.His overnight bag is still in his car.
Shit.Somehow I find myself sprawled on the saggy sofa Evans and I bought together from a charity shop, staring at a blank spot on the wall.
“I don’t understand, Jojo.Everything was so good this morning.”
She pecks at my hand.“Fuck off.Goodbye.”
ChapterTwenty-Seven
PJ
The week’sbeen a bit of a blur.
I managed to change clothes on Tuesday, but I haven’t showered since.It aches too much, missing Fallon in there with me.The only food left in my place is for Jolene.I’ve been living off stale leftover shit from the custodial break room on campus.
Mostly, I’ve spent a lot of time wandering around, because being at home in my shitty apartment for too long reminds me of him.He’s in every corner and every drawer.
At some point I called my ex to ask if I had been a good boyfriend or a bad one, and she mumbled to me that it was four in the morning in Australia and if I wanted to have an existential crisis, I needed to do so at a more convenient hour.
