Page 85 of Switch
“Don’t fucking say it.”He’s got a squirming Bruiser held against one shoulder and his keys still clenched in the other.
“Put down the keys.I didn’t sleep with you for the money.I didn’t even want the money, but your brother had already paid.”
He nods absently, squinting at the ceiling as if he’s doing some really hard thinking.
“Remember when you bought me breakfast in the morning?I remember thinking there had to be such a caring guy under that abrasive exterior to spend money on me like that when it was clear I had a lot and you had so little.Now I wonder if it was just an investment.A good orgasm, getting invited back to my place, getting me breakfast in the morning.Next thing you know, we’re spending all of our time together.Months later we’re already talking about moving in together.Kids.”
His arm flings out, like he’s about to throw the keys.I wish he would.But he only grips them harder in the end.
I feel the pain of his hard swallow in my own throat.
“Worked out great for you, didn’t it?”He’s clenching those keys so hard his knuckles are white.
My stomach is sick; a roiling ball of acid.I don’t answer him because I already know it won’t matter.I’ve had too many conversations with people in this frame of mind.
What I want is to make him sit down.To tell him I cared about him from that first night.That I’ve never felt this way about anyone.That I haven’t trusted many people in my life, but I trust him.That the secrets he shared are safe with me.That if I had known he existed before our date, I would never have wanted to take a single cent, but that I couldn’t afford not to.
I’m not my mom, though.I won’t twist myself into knots to make a man love me.I won’t beg.
“I’m not going to lie—I couldn’t afford to not take the money, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t matter to me.You have no idea how much it mattered.That night changed everything for me.The money wasn’t about you.It was about survival.”
“I have no idea about anything right now,” he practically whispers.Bruiser, picking up on the tension in the room, is licking the side of his face.“I know that I didn’t really know what kind of person I was until I met Marina, and losing her meant losing a piece of myself, because do you know how hard it is to date when you’re an over-six-foot submissive male?People see my size and my tattoos, and they assume certain things.But you?—”
Fallon breaks off with a humorless laugh.“You saw me for who I was.At least I thought you did.Come to find out what I was to you was a paycheck?—”
“You were never a fucking paycheck!”My shout echoes around the room.My throat is raw.
“I don’t know how to trust you enough to submit to you again when the foundation of our relationship is a lie.”
“I didn’t lie about anything.”
“You sure as hell didn’t tell me the truth.”
“About one thing.One detail, Fallon, that was absolutely pointless for all I cared because I was falling in love with you.I’ve never been with anyone who made me feel the way I felt when I was with you.Who I felt like I could be myself with.Who felt like…like…”
Like home.
But I shake my head and drop my shoulders, because the agony etched across his face tells me everything I need to know about which way this is going.He’s already gone.
“Wes didn’t want me to tell you.I didn’t like it, but I also didn’t want you to look at me the way you’re looking at me now.”There’s a tearing sensation, a slicing and burning in my chest and all the way down to my gut.“Please stay.Just one more night.We can work this out.I know we can.”
Fuck, I’m turning into my mother.Didn’t I just promise myself I wouldn’t beg?
It’s worse than that, though, isn’t it?Our first night together I remember thinking he was like a drug.That I wanted to drink his moans like alcohol.Well I did.I went and got addicted.
The withdrawal is going to be a real bitch.
He’s already picking up Bruiser’s bed.Bruiser is squirming and trying to get back on the floor so he can play with Jolene.His whine sounds pitiful, but I don’t blame him one bit.I’m tempted to whine myself.
“Fallon, you can’t go.We still don’t know why Eric put those cameras in your house.Or the notes.It’s not safe.”
He holds up his phone.“I know everything I need to know.He already sent me a message threatening my job.”
“What?”
“I’ll deal with it.On my own.I had a security system installed.I’ll be fine.”
“What about—you told me you had trouble sleeping alone, and that was before we found out Eric had been spying on you.”
