Page 59 of Switch
This beautiful man who I was beginning to think of as someone I could have a future with is about to become my past.
“You know we can’t see each other anymore,” I say quietly.
The lectern sits on a raised platform.Along with my height advantage, it puts me well above PJ.The way he’s glaring at me with his shoulders back and his chin lifted, I may as well be the smaller one.
His expression hardens.“Just like that?”
I exhale, suddenly exhausted.“PJ, this job was the only thing that kept me sane after Marina passed.I cannot lose it.And I absolutely cannot date a student whose grades I influence.”
“You wouldn’t do that.You’re not that kind of person.I may not have known your real last name, but I knowyou, Fallon.You care too much about doing the right thing.”
He’s right.I wouldn’t.“It doesn’t matter what kind of person I am.”
“Doesn’t it?”He smiles, advancing toward me.I can see the heat in his eyes, the intention, before he even says anything more.“Doesn’t it matter how good we are together?”
“If you’d asked me yesterday, I’d have said, of course it matters.But I can’t do this, PJ.I can’t.”
“What about—” He exhales a humorless laugh.“Never mind.I guess I’m not coming over tonight, then.”
“I’m sorry.”
I truly am.My insides are hollow and cold and all I want is PJ to fill that space again.I’d give every cent I have to step into a time machine and go back to any other moment that isn’t this one.Because even now I want to touch him more than I want my next breath.
PJ shakes his head.“This is so fucked up.Tonight’s the security guy.I wanted to be there.I wanted to be there for you, Fallon, so I could help make sure you’re safe from whatever psychopath has been lurking around.”
“I haven’t heard anything more from them.It’s probably a prank.”
“Right.Well, I guess that’s all that matters, isn’t it?”
It isn’t.Not even close.
“You know what?Doesn’t matter.Don’t say anything else.”PJ walks out, his steps loud and final in the empty auditorium.
I manage to stay still until the doors clang behind him, then I race to the nearest trash can as the contents of my breakfast threaten to come back up.I swallow once, then twice, before losing the battle.
How can I possibly see PJ in class three days a week for the next twelve weeks and not respond to him?
I don’t know how to recover from this.
ChapterEighteen
Fallon
While the security guy,Everett, goes around the house, I distract myself by playing with Bruiser.After growling for a bit at some unseen animal or something outside, he’s settled into a game of shaking a rope toy around like it’s prey, and then…falling over.
The awful ache I’ve had in my stomach since leaving class today has only gotten worse.It’s a stone boulder sitting in my stomach.I’m still reeling from the revelation that the first person I’ve been with in years, someone I was falling for, is a student.
It never even occurred to me to ask.He told me he was twenty-four.Most of my students are no older than nineteen, maybe twenty, and that’s if they took a gap year.
The pain is all the more acute as I hover above Bruiser with the walking sling I bought him.A week ago, I took him to a physical therapist who had some suggestions for helping the growing puppy improve his balance.It’s good, having him to take care of.If only taking care of Bruiser wasn’t inextricably linked with PJ.
PJ wasn’t only someone I trusted, he was someone I enjoyed being with, having sex with.Someone who helped me draw boundaries around my family and my personal life.Someone who knew exactly how to dominate me in bed.
He was nothing like Marina.In a way, he was better.He knew how to give me exactly what I needed.
I’ve never truly had anyone to take care of me the way he did.
While I was so resistant to him bringing Bruiser to me, PJ was right about this too.Having a puppy, one that needs a bit of extra attention, has been good for me.
