Page 22 of Switch
And… Okay.As sick and selfish as it is, it bothers me that he doesn’t think about me as much as he clearly does about her.Yeah, yeah, they had a whole life together.She’s gone, though.I’m right fucking here.
Fallon smiles and settles back against the headboard.There’s a hint of light brown nipples that come into frame for a moment, only to fall out of frame again.
“Since you called, I’m going to ask you to distract me,” he says.“I know why I’m up late, but why are you?”
It takes a moment to process the question, because I’m kind of homed in on looking at him.I can’t do it without remembering the way his throat felt clamped down around my cock, without wondering what it’ll take to get another night with him.
This friend shit is going to have a pretty short shelf life.I won’t be able to hide that I want more of him forever.
“PJ?”He’s frowning at me.
I shake my head.“Oh.Yeah.I don’t know, it’s a good question.”Except it’s not a good question, and I’d rather not have to lie to him.Especially after he’s been vulnerable with me.
“That’s not true,” I amend.“More like a fucked-up and pointless reason to be up.I was thinking about love.”
Fallon tips his head to the side.“I’m going to need more context.”
I settle back as well, burrowing into my pillow.I’m not wearing anything, but I’ve pulled the sheets up, so it’s not like he can tell.“Went to a wedding tonight.My date happened to be head over heels in love with the groom.We’re talking drunk on champagne, sobbing and falling down in the sand.I don’t know why he even went.”
“That sounds…” Fallon shakes his head.“Miserable.”
“It hurt just to watch the guy sit through the vows.Poor bastard’s been pining for ages over his brother’s straight best friend.He wanted me to go with him because he never dates.He’d rather be alone than with someone he doesn’t love.On the other hand, my mom has made nearly every poor decision in her life out of a misguided need for someone to love her.She’s in prison because the last guy she dated was a dealer who talked her into moving his product, and she sold drugs to a cop.So, I was thinking, is it worse to be in love or be alone?”
Never mind that touching another guy has felt a little weird since my date with Fallon.I’m not in love with him.That would be fucked.
“That’s deep for after three in the morning, PJ.”
“If you ask me, after three in the morning is the best time for deep thoughts.”
And dirty ones.He’s shifted position, and I can see his nipples again.I catch myself rubbing my thumb and forefinger together, imagining that hard nub between them.
Fallon gives me a slight smile.“Maybe you’re right.”He takes a deep breath.“Well, in my experience, love is hard and so is loneliness.Different kinds of hard, that’s all.”
“From what you said about struggling since Marina died, it sounded to me like the loneliness is harder.”
Say yes.Say you need me to come over and make sure you’re not lonely anymore.
“Hmm.I don’t know.”
It’s probably pervy of me to be so distracted by the way he toys with his bottom lip while he thinks his answer over, but I am who I am.
“For me, I think some of the struggle is guilt.We were fighting a lot before she died.She went to visit friends in Miami to get some space.We fought again on the phone when she got there.That night, the hotel she was staying in collapsed.I woke up to a phone call from the police.”
Jesus.Thinking about it now, I remember that story being all over the news.It can’t be easy for Fallon having those reminders thrown in his face all the time.
And waking up to find out his wife was gone?No fucking wonder he can’t sleep.
“Cut that shit out.You can’t blame yourself for faulty architecture.You’re not that powerful.Bet she’d tell you so herself if she could.”
Her death wasn’t his fault, and it wasn’t hers either.Still, I hate her for this hold she has on Fallon still.Since I didn’t know her, I figure I can hate her all I want.
He smiles slightly.“Maybe you’re right.I think the rest of it is the type of relationship she and I had.She made most of the decisions.In and out of the bedroom.”
Okaaay, I like where this is going.The blush that rises to his cheeks is sexy as hell.“Oh yeah?I need to know more.”
Like fucking breathing, I need to know more.
“Well.”He pulls his knees to his chest.“I guess when all the structure in your life comes from one person, it messes you up a little when that person is gone.I had a pretty successful writing career, but I couldn’t focus anymore.I took a teaching job, which honestly saved my life.It gave me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.My personal life, though… It’s been pretty nonexistent.At least until I met this younger man who gave me one of the best nights of my life and made me question everything.”
