Page 26 of Gift of You
“Good . . . That’s good.”
“Any hesitation I have is nothing to do with you. You get that, right?” I kissed the top of his head for emphasis.
“I keep trying to put myself in your position, but I just can’t imagine what it would feel like to suddenly find myself attractedto a woman. I think the fact that you’ve been willing to explore this side of yourself is amazing.”
It didn’t feel amazing. It felt confusing and frustrating, as though my entire life had been turned upside down. But it also felt like something had slid into place. Like some hidden message had been decoded and Louis had been the key to unlocking it.
“I certainly don’t feel amazing. But I do think I’m beginning to make peace with my... bisexuality, I guess it is.”
“That’s great. Is that the label you’d give yourself?”
“What else would it be?”
“Well, there’s pansexual, which means you’re attracted to a person regardless of their gender, which is different from bisexual in that bisexuals are attracted to at least two genders.”
I mulled that over, trying to wrap my head around the differences between the two.
“Can I ask you if you ever felt attraction to anyone other than Ally?”
“Besides you?”
I felt his lips curve in a smile against my chest. “Right. And me.”
“I don’t know. It was a long time ago. I fell in love with Ally when I was fifteen.”
“No middle school crushes before that?”
“I don’t remember. Like I said, it was a long fucking time ago. Do you remember your middle school crush?”
“Of course. In sixth grade, it was Henry Zhu. And then in seventh grade, I started the year liking Michael Tracy, but I gave that up in favor of Julian Sanchez. God, he had thebesthair. I used to sit in math class and dream about running my hands through his thick, dark strands. Anyway... in eighth grade there was?—”
“I get the picture. You had a lot of crushes.”
“Sorry. Got carried away.”
“As you do.”
“Sorr—”
“Uh-uh. No more apologizing, remember?”
He let out a dramatic sigh, but snuggled in closer, tossing his knee over my thigh. I did my best to ignore the fact that his dick was pressing into my hip in this position.
“I don’t think I really had any crushes before Ally,” I continued. “And if I did, they weren’t particularly noteworthy.”
“You might be demisexual.” My head was spinning with all these labels I’d never heard of. “That’s where you need to have an emotional connection with someone before you experience attraction,” he explained.
I thought that one over. I supposed it might fit. But since I was definitely attracted to Louis, that would mean I’d already developed an emotional connection with him. That couldn’t be right, could it? I’d only known him a few days.
“Does the label really matter?”
“Of course not. But if and when you choose to come out, be prepared for people to ask. You don’t have to tell them anything if you don’t want, but they will ask. People like to assign boxes for others to fit neatly into.”
“Fuck them. It’s none of their goddamn business.”
“Ah, there’s my grumpy, growly mountain man.”
“We aren’t on a mountain, and I donotgrowl.”
