Page 18 of Give In To Love
He relaxed a bit, looking apologetic. “You’re right. You’ve always been good about that shit. It’s just…” He pulled out the stool and sat at the counter opposite me. “I don’t know. I knew I was going to worry. I don’t know if I’ll ever break the habit. But I didn’t expect to miss you so much.”
Damn. Sammy never said shit like that.Wenever said shit like that. I knew Sammy loved me. Had always known it, just as I loved him. But growing up, there’d been no room for sentiment in our house. We’d never learned how to express it. I swallowed my cereal past the lump in my throat and tried for a little levity. “Man, first you tell me you’re proud of me, and now you tell me you missed me. What’s next? Declarations of love? Bro hugs?”
“Fuck off,” he said, with a laugh, lightening the mood.
I flashed him a grin, then let it fade to something softer. “I missed you too. I wouldn’t be where I am—in college and shit—without you. I know you sacrificed a lot for me, and I?—”
“I just did what had to be done.”
“Don’t make it sound like you didn’t have a choice. You could have fucked off and followed Will to Purdue.” His jaw tightened at the mention of his ex, but I barreled on before he could stop me. “You could have kicked me out after graduation. I could have come to work at the auto shop or found some other job right out of high school. My job at the library was shit for pay, but you insisted I go to community college rather than find a job that paid better. You could have made a million other choices for yourself, but you put me first. I’ve never understood why you did that, but I?—”
“Because you deserved it. Hell, you deserved more than I could ever give you.”
“So did you. You deserved to create the life you wanted rather than be burdened by raising me.”
“Pfft. I didn’t raise you. You were fifteen when Charlotte left.”
“We both know you played more of a role in raising me than she ever did long before she left.”
“Listen, we can debate this all day. The fact is, you weren’t a burden, and if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.” I wanted to ask him if that included giving up Will, but I didn’t have the guts to press him on it more than I already had. “Besides, Iamliving the life I want. I’ve worked hard to get where I am. And I’m fucking proud of that. Selling that piece—shit, Jimmy—I’ve never seen so many zeros on a check. For the first time in my life, it feels like we have breathing room. And to know that it’s because of something I created…” He took a shaky breath, trying to collect himself. “It bought you a car. It’s paying for your college. For the first time ever, we aren’t carrying a credit card balance.”
“What about you? You’re talking about all the things that money is doing for me. What’s it doing for you?”
“I don’t know. I’m thinking about getting a tattoo.” He flashed me a smile, then shrugged. “I’m not used to thinking about myself or the future. It’s always been about doing whatever needs to be done next. Paying whichever bills we could and figuring out how to keep the collection agencies off our backs. I don’t know,” he repeated, running a hand through his blond curls. “Maybe I’ll get a motorcycle.”
“Yeah?” My eyebrows shot up.
“I’ve kind of always wanted one.”
I’d never once heard him mention a motorcycle, but I could definitely see him riding one.
“Can I go with you when you get the tattoo?”
“Seriously? You wanna go with me? You thinking about getting one for yourself?”
I shook my head. “Not a chance in hell.”
He laughed, full and hearty, and…I almost didn’t recognize the sound. His laughter was usually laced with sardonic undertones. I didn’t know if I’d ever heard him sound so carefree. Something inside me, some piece of my anxiety-ridden heart, unclenched, and for the first time ever, I thought Sammy was going to be okay.
For all the time Sammy spent worrying about me, making sure we had food and a place to live, searching for a doctor who could treat my anxiety, paying for community college… For all that time, I’d worried he was running himself ragged. That he wasn’t putting on his own oxygen mask first. That with as hard as he was focused on my well-being, he wasn’t healing from his own heartbreak. And now, as I listened to his laugh, I thought he might just figure out how to be okay.
9
TJ
Water twistedand swirled as it slid over the rocky creek bed, winding its way through the forest where it would eventually find its way into the lake or the Missouri River. I wasn’t sure which. It wasn’t important. I could have watched it for hours, lost in my thoughts.
I slipped off my shoes and socks and slipped my feet into the cool water, sighing in pleasure at the relief it offered from the heavy heat of the day. It reminded me of sliding a foot out from under the covers at night when I got overheated. Amazing how that small action could do the trick.
Carefully, I sat on the creek bank, leaving my feet in the water, finding a muddy patch among the rocks to bury my toes.
I was due at Gram’s in a little over an hour for our annual Labor Day cookout, but I’d been restless in the dorm by myself, so I’d come out to Astaire early. I’d be lying if I said coming to this spot hadn’t been premeditated. I think I’d needed to see it again. To lay eyes on the place where I’d first met Jimmy. To convince myself the magic of that afternoon wasn’t all in my head.
I’d tried to give him space this week, but I was pretty sure all I’d done was make things even more awkward. I’d never had so much difficulty interacting with another human in my life. It was frustrating as hell.
So I’d come here, and I’d found a regular old creek in a regular old forest. And even though Jimmy wasn’t here, I knew he was a regular person too. That afternoon five years ago had felt magical, but that was just my dramatic side talking, and I needed to let that shit go.
As if my thoughts had summoned him, a voice behind me said, “Hey,” and I turned to find Jimmy standing just a few feet away. It was exactly like the moment I first met him, only our positions were reversed, with him standing and me sitting.
