Page 89 of Give In To Love
“Jimmy was always quiet. Shy. Fragile.” My brows shot up at that. To my mind, Jimmy was anything but fragile, but I didn’t interrupt, wanting to hear the rest. “He was sensitive. Cried easily. Prone to panic attacks and anxiety, though we didn’t have the means to get him formally assessed. He struggled to make friends. Got picked on in school. Got picked on by our mother’s boyfriends. Hell, he got picked on by our own mother. That is when she remembered she actually had children to care for in the first place.” He shook his head at some memory only he could see, and my heart ached for both of them.
“I wasn’t a big guy, but I was bigger than him, and I was the oldest, so I took it upon myself to look out for him. Got in fights with kids who bullied him. Acted as a shield between him and our mom. As we got older and Charlotte—our mom—started disappearing for days at a time, I worked whatever jobs I could find to make ends meet. I built walls to keep people out. To protect myself and Jimmy. I told myself I didn’t need anyone. That I was better off alone.
“The thing I didn’t consider was that as I was building those walls, I was shutting Jimmy out too. He needed someone to care for him. And it wasn’t that I didn’t care, it was that I had no idea how to dofeelings. I think he felt like he was alone for most of his childhood. He had me in his corner, but not as his friend.”
It was so different from the way I’d been raised. In my family, we’d always faced our difficulties together. Leaned on each other. Supported each other. Sammy had done his best, but there hadn’t been anyone to show him a better way.
“And then he met you. He didn’t say a lot, but I could tell there was something different with him. He’d drop little hints in conversation or mention you in texts, and I knew you were more than just roommates. I wanted to meet you, especially when I found out you were going to Chicago together, but he always changed the subject. And then we were finally set to meet on Thanksgiving.”
“The meeting that never happened.” My heart twisted painfully, recalling that day. The look on Jimmy’s face as I’d told my family I’d gotten the part and would be heading to Chicago the following week. And the breakup the following morning. I’d spent that Friday packing my dorm, and then I’d gone home to Ma’s. I’d collapsed in her arms the moment I’d walked in the door.
“Right. And he showed up in Brinkley the following day a shell of the man he’d come to be. I hadn’t seen him that upset since Charlotte left. He wouldn’t talk about it. Wouldn’t come out of his room. I’d been afraid he wouldn’t finish the semester, but Monday morning, he headed back to campus, refusing to give an explanation. He was miserable over winter break, but he wouldn’t tell me much more then either. In fact, I didn’t know just how serious you all were until a couple of months ago. What I do know is that he was different after. Whatever happened between you two changed him. He grew into himself. Became more confident. But he also started dating some really shitty guys.”
I winced. I didn’t want to hear it. Steven was bad enough. I didn’t want to know about anyone else.
“I’ll spare you the details.”
“Thanks,” I said, my tone wry, causing Sammy to smirk.
“I’m not trying to be an asshole, just painting the picture.”
“Maybe you can skip over some of it and get to the point? Or we can talk about Will’s ex-husband if we want to compare notes?”
The way his face darkened was almost comical. “Not sure how you know about that, but not cool, man.”
I raised a brow.
“Okay, point taken. What I’m trying to say is that after you left, I think Jimmy was ultimately afraid of being alone. After Charlotte dipped out and I broke up with Will, I convinced myself I didn’t need anyone. That I could figure things out on my own. But Jimmy… I think he just so desperately wanted to be loved. And he got a taste of that with you and was afraid to go without it ever again.”
The emotion that swept through me was devastating, like a punch straight to the gut. How much had he put himself through in the last five years, chasing love from the wrong men? While all I’d wanted was to be that guy who got to love him.
Well, the good news was that I was here now, and we had our whole lives ahead of us. I’d spend every day showing him just how much he was loved if he let me.
“So you were pissed at me yesterday because I left him? And that, as a result, he went after some real winners looking for love? Is that it?”
“Kind of?” He squinted at me. “I mean, obviously, I sound like a dick when you put it like that.”
I held up my thumb and forefinger spread about a half-inch apart.
“Yeah, I know. Will said the same thing.” He grabbed a water out of the fridge and took a seat on the stool where he’d been when we started talking. “I was hard on the guys Jimmy dated. We fought over it about a year ago, and I promised to back off. Then he dated the worst one of them all. I know you’re not responsible for any of that, but I’m pissed that I didn’t do more to stop it, despite my promises not to interfere. And then you show up, and all I know about you is that you left him and that it fucked him up. How am I supposed to know you’re not taking advantage of him when he’s vulnerable? Or that you won’t leave him again?”
“You don’t know any of that. I can tell you I’m here to stay, but it’s your choice whether you decide to believe me.”
“Will said that too. Is it true that Jimmy slapped that asshole in front of a crowd at the club on Saturday?”
“Yep.”
“Jason told Will you didn’t say anything. You let Jimmy do all the talking.”
“That’s right.”
“Why? If you’re such a good guy, how could you just stand there and not punch him in the face.”
I chuckled. “I wanted to, though I’m a dancer and a performer. I don’t know the first thing about throwing a punch.”
“I know you think I’m joking, but I’m kinda not. Why didn’t you stand up for Jimmy? Why’d you let that asshole get anywhere near him?”
“Is that what you think I should have done? Been Jimmy’s protector?”
