Page 49 of Give In To Love
“Holy shit. An audition? Like with a real production?”
“Right?” He glanced at me, a shadow momentarily passing over his eyes. It was like the sun passing behind a cloud, then popping out bright as ever on the other side. “It’s insane!”
They continued talking about the upcoming audition. What song he was preparing. What he was going to wear. But I only listened with half an ear. I’d known all this before the party since we’d talked about it while getting ready. But hearing it recounted dredged up the same foreboding I’d felt when he’d first gotten the call.
The last couple of months with TJ had been, hands down, the best of my life. For the first time, I’d stopped worrying about where I fit, secure in the knowledge that I fit withhim.I was becoming more comfortable in my own skin, in owning who I was and accepting all the flawed pieces of myself. And I was learning that just because my mother hadn’t loved us enough to stay didn’t mean I was fundamentallyunlovable. The flaw was withinher, not me.
So now what? If he left to pursue his dreams, where did that leave me? Could I survive without him? Sure. But I didn’t want to have to. Didn’t want to go back to sleeping by myself. Waking up without his arms wrapped around me. Eating alone. I didn’t want to walk through life without the sound of his laugh. A kiss hello. A smile that could give the sun a run for its money.
“You okay, sunshine?”
I looked up to find TJ’s eyes on mine while the others were engaged in conversation. I mustered up a smile. “Yeah. I’m good.”
“I’m scared too.” He pressed a kiss on my forehead, somehow always able to read my mind. “It’s a lot to think about.”
“You’ll be great. You’re so talented. You’ll figure it all out.”
“I wasn’t talking about that. I’m scared about what it means forus.”
“Oh.”
“This isn’t just about me, baby. It’s about what it means forourfuture. I don’t want to lose you.”
I frowned. “You’re not considering bailing on the meeting because of me, are you?”
He pressed his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. “No, I’m gonna take the meeting. I just…will you come to Chicago with me? I don’t want to go alone.”
“Seriously? You want me there?”
His eyes popped open, his blue-violet irises boring into mine. “Of course I want you there. You’re my… Jesus, Jimmy. You’re my everything. There isn’t anything I want to do on this Earth without you by my side.”
Oh shit. Oh no. Fuck.My heart hammered, and I swallowed past the lump in my throat.I was in love with him. I was in love with TJ, and he was leaving.It wasn’t a sure thing. He still had to take the meeting and go on the audition. But the ball was rolling, and I had no reason to think he wouldn’t get it. I had two choices. Start pulling away, build those walls back up so it wouldn’t completely take me out when the time came, or I could go all in and soak up every last bit of him while I still could.
It felt a bit like pulling the pin from a grenade, but I kissed him and said, “Yeah. I’d love to go with you.”
23
TJ
I slid fullyand completely into love on a Wednesday in November. I’d been heading full-speed ahead in that direction for weeks, but in the middle of the afternoon on an otherwise mundane Wednesday, the last piece of my heart slid into place with an inaudible click.
No declarations were made. No promises given. Just the smile of a boy with sunbeams streaming in from the window behind him, lighting up his golden blond hair like spun gold.
Jimmy was sitting at his desk and turned as I entered our room. And I saw it, the split-second recognition dawned and his face lit with a smile. It happened so fast—he had to have known it was me entering—but the way his expression transformed into one of utter delight had my heart tripping, skittering and stuttering, and then settling.
I was filled with warmth and a sense of rightness so complete I nearly took a step back with the impact.
I crossed the room in three strides, yanking him out of his chair and pulling him into my arms. He gave a surprised “Oof” and then melted into me as I claimed his mouth. My hands came up to either side of his face as I held him in place while my tongue swept inside.
It had been nearly two weeks since Halloween. Since I’d found out about the audition and asked Jimmy to go with me. Twelve days of toggling between excitement over the opportunity and fear of how it might affect our relationship. Too many moments when I’d caught him staring at me with a wrinkle of worry creasing his brow.
All that faded as we stood in our room, wrapped in sunbeams and clinging to each other, kissing as if our lives depended on it. Without releasing him, I stepped backward and he followed until the backs of my legs hit the edge of my bed.
“I want you,” I said into his mouth. “All of you. I want to fuck you.” I bit his lip. “Or you can fuck me. I don’t care. I’m vers. I just… I need…” I brushed my thumb across his cheekbone. “I don’t want to know where I end and you begin.”
Jimmy surged forward and kissed me, surprising me so much that I pulled him down with me as I fell backward onto the bed. We laughed as we landed in a heap with him sprawled across me, but the laughter faded as something more solemn passed between us. There was a moment happening here, something bigger than the both of us. “I think I want you to fuck me. I mean, I know I do. I just… What if I don’t like it?”
“Then we stop, and you fuck me instead. Or we do something else that you’re more comfortable with.”
