Page 4 of Give In To Love
“Where would you go? If money were no object, I mean.” He stopped in the middle of the path, grabbing my elbow to stop me. His eyes were serious, as if the answer was of the utmost importance.
“I’ve never really thought about it.” The places I’d dreamed of escaping to only existed in the books I read. Nothing in the real world had ever felt like an option.
“Never?” He stepped closer, but I just shook my head. In that moment, I thought that if there was anywhere I wanted to get lost, it was in the depths of those blue, blue eyes.
“Everyone should have a dream. Someplace they want to go. Something they want to achieve.”
“Not everyone has the privilege of allowing themselves to dream,” I whispered.
He brushed the back of his hand against my cheek. “You deserve dreams of your own.”
“You don’t even know me. You don’t know what I deserve.”
“I know you’re a beautiful boy with hair like the sun and sadness in his eyes. You carry the weight of the world, yet you’re braver than you think. You?—”
“I’m not brave,” I interrupted. “I’m prone to panic attacks and probably have anxiety. I cry easily. I share a room with my brother and still have to sleep with a nightlight. I couldn’t even cross the creek by myself.”
I tried to step back and put some distance between us, but he slid his hand to the back of my neck, holding me in place. “You mostly crossed it yourself. And if I hadn’t climbed in, you would have done it yourself. And that other stuff…” He pulled me closer until our noses were just inches apart. I could feel the puff of his breath against my lips as he spoke. “It just tells me you feel things really big. Maybe bigger than most people do. Yet you’re still here. You still chose to follow me today. You fight every day to get through. I don’t know how anyone wouldn’t see that as bravery.”
I swallowed, my eyes burning as I absorbed his words. No one had ever seen me that way. How could this stranger know any of that?
“You don’t even know me,” I choked out again.
He pressed his forehead to mine, and I closed my eyes, unable to bear the intensity burning in his gaze. “I know enough. I know I’m lucky our paths crossed today. I know I want to kiss you.” He pulled back, and I opened my eyes, shocked by his words. “Have you ever been kissed?”
I shook my head, my heart hammering.
“Can I be your first?”
At my nod, he bent forward, brushing his lips lightly over mine. He pulled back, and I thought that was it, but then he swooped in again, pressing his mouth to mine more firmly. Instinctively, I opened, allowing his tongue to slide between my lips while his other hand came up so he was cradling my face in both hands. Tentatively, I returned the motion, flicking my own tongue against his, and he groaned, the sound sending electricity shooting through my body.
As if mother nature thought to echo the sentiment, a crack rent the air, closely followed by a flash, startling us into breaking apart. Chest heaving, I took stock of our surroundings, noting the wind had picked up and it had gotten considerably darker as the clouds rolled in. A drop landed on my cheek, startling me into blinking. Two more drops fell, landing on my arm and my nose, and then, as if someone had sliced them open, the clouds burst.
On instinct, we made a run for it, tearing down the path, careful not to trip over rocks and roots as the wind whipped the rain around us, making it difficult to see. Thankfully, we were close to the trailhead, and it was only a matter of minutes before we arrived at the edge of the road, where it snaked its way through the woods. I looked around, trying to get my bearings, realizing I was only a few blocks from home.
I looked at my companion, unsure what to say. I’d been annoyed by his presence mere hours ago, and now I found I didn’t want to part ways. He stepped forward, placing his hand at my nape and pulling me toward him. “You’re going to be okay, sunshine. You’re stronger than you think.” He kissed me again, a brief press of his lips against mine, and then he turned and ran in the opposite direction without looking back.
Frozen in place, I watched him go, but when another crack of lightning had me nearly jumping out of my skin, I turned and ran all the way home.
Much later, as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, I replayed the kiss, brushing my fingers across my lips in memory. And it was then I realized I didn’t even know his name.
PARTI
ONCE
1
JIMMY
Five Years Later
I watchedthe dust particles float through the air, suspended in the sunbeams streaming through my bedroom window in the apartment I shared with my brother Sammy. I’d been watching those particles lazily flutter for nearly thirty minutes, but I hadn’t made a move to get out of bed. I’d heard my brother leave nearly that long ago, yet here I lay, watching motes of dust swirl like snowflakes on a cold, mid-winter day.
Quite the opposite of mid-winter, it was August twentieth, and I was moving into college today. I felt… Well, I wasn’t sure how to itemize all the feelings swirling inside me, but that wasn’t new. I’d lived with anxiety my whole life, so I was used to experiencing a lot of big, overwhelming emotions at once. I took a moment to check in with myself, to ascertain whether the excess thrum of energy running through my nervous system was merely the result of those Big Feelings—capital B, capital F—or a more serious sign of an impending anxiety attack. The ever-present weight on my chest felt relatively light, though I did have a bit of a knot in my stomach. But I thought that was due to the usual type of nerves most people would feel on a day like this rather than a sign of something more ominous. Still, it would be good to be more mindful today, to move at my own pace, and to remember to breathe.
I heard the sound of the front door opening, followed by the slam of it shutting once again. Sammy never had learned the art of closing a door quietly. You’d think I’d be used to it after twenty years of living with him, but it still managed to startle me at least once a week.
More sounds floated through the door—keys hitting the counter where Sammy had likely tossed them, the opening and closing of the fridge, and the thud of Sammy’s steps as he moved through our shared space. Moments later, he barged into my room without knocking, as usual, calling out my name as he did so. As if the racket he was making wasn’t loud enough to wake the dead.
