Page 34 of Give In To Love
I ignored his sarcasm. “I just mean…” I paused again, searching for the right words. “Every time you kissed me this week, and it felt like it was leading somewhere, you pulled yourself back. What changed today?”
He looked at me intently, humor replaced by something more serious. “I just couldn’t fight it anymore. I walked in the room and… Jesus Christ, the sight of you laid out like that, skin flushed, fisting your cock… You’re so fucking hot, Jimmy.”
“Oh.” Well, that didn’t suck to hear. He rarely swore, and for some reason, the fact that he had just now, in reference to the way he saw me, was hotter than it had any right to be. “Why were you trying to fight it in the first place? Did you think I couldn’t handle it?”
“Ah, sunshine. I don’t think there’s anything you can’t handle.” He drew my hand up and kissed it, then tucked it beneath his chin, where he’d once again laid his head on my chest. “The thing is, you’re special. You matter. And I didn’t want you to think I was only into you for sex.”
“Oh. That’s… Thank you?” Color bloomed in my cheeks. I had never met anyone who had the ability to so thoroughly turn my insides into a swarm of butterflies. I’d had crushes in high school—of course I had—but those guys had been distant, unobtainable people I’d admired from afar. And if I was being honest, they’d always fallen short in comparison to the guy who’d given me my first kiss at fifteen on a hot summer day, standing in the rain. The same guy who’d just jerked me off and was now lying in my bed with his head on my chest.
It was a mindfuck.
“I don’t know what I’m doing. Dates and sex and…whatever else this is.” The fact that he was no longer looking at me made it easier to admit. “I’ve never…” I took another breath, desperately wanting to turn back, to change course and talk about something else. But he needed to know. He deserved to know what he was getting into. “I’ve never dated…anyone. Never even kissed anyone else.”
His head popped up, eyes burning into mine. “No one?”
I shook my head.
“We can stop. Or slow down. I don’t want to push—” He started to pull away, but I held him tighter.
“No,” I snapped more forcefully than intended. TJ’s eyes widened at my uncharacteristic tone, but I pressed on. “I don’t want to stop. I want…more. More of this. With you. I’ve never been held before. Never held anyone else either. I’ve never felt this way with anyone,aboutanyone.”
“How do you feel?” He was still propped up, looking at me, indigo eyes burning with intensity. “With me? How do you feel with me?”
“Like I matter. Like I have value. Like you actually care about what I think and feel. You want to know what I have to say, even when the words don’t come easily. And…safe. I feel safe. Holding you…kissing you…touching you…” A tear slid down my cheek and I realized we were no longer talking about sex, or at least not just sex. “It feels like I’ve spent my whole life fighting the noise in my brain. The voice that tells me I’m not enough. The overthinking. The doubt. But with you, all that falls away. It’s quiet, and I’m at peace. You give me peace.”
I slammed my head back on the pillow, averting my gaze. His eyes were wet and burned with an intensity I couldn’t bear to look at.
“Just…don’t hold back with me anymore, okay? I may be new at this and I may not know what I’m doing, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want it. I want everything with you.”
His fingers brushed against my chin, and then he turned my head, forcing me to look at him. He pressed a soft kiss to my lips, lingering for a moment before pulling away.
“No holding back?”
I shook my head in the negative.
“Good. But that goes both ways. You have to tell me things. If something is bothering you, or if there’s something you want, you have to tell me.”
Why was that so hard for me? Of all the fears I had—and there were plenty—fear of disappointment was at the top of the list.
“Okay. I can try.”
“Good. Will you come with me to my grandma’s birthday party tomorrow?”
I blinked, nonplussed by the change in subject.
“You want me there? With your whole family?
“You’ve already met several members of my family. And I want everyone to meet you as my boyfriend.”
My eyebrows climbed higher. “Really? We just started dating…”
He moved into a sitting position, his eyes taking on a determined glint as he looked down at me, still lying on my back.
“You said no holding back. This is me not holding back. I know what I want, Jimmy. I want you. I know I’m moving fast, and if you need me to slow down, all you have to do is say the word. I can wait. I can be patient. You’re worth that to me. But I also want to be clear about what I want, sunshine. And that’s you.”
He brushed a lock of hair off my forehead, then smoothed his hand down my cheek. I couldn’t help but lean into his touch. I closed my eyes for a moment, breathing in his scent. The idea of being his boyfriend was terrifying, mostly because of how much I wanted it. I opened my eyes, locking with his.
“Okay.”
