Page 49 of When He Saved Me
Another kiss on his shoulder. This time, he reached up, wound his hands into my hair, and held me against him. I closed my eyes against the relief that rolled through me at the evidence that he was still with me. That icy exterior was thawing ever so slightly.
I took the risk and rolled him over to face me, desperately wanting to see his face. He didn’t resist, though that icy mask had melted and the pain I now saw in his eyes nearly broke me. As if he couldn’t bear to look at me, he buried his face in my chest as he continued his story while I stroked his back, trying to offer comfort.
“A week after I caught him, I found my mom crying in her sitting room. She was just sitting in her chair, mascara running down her face, and I figured she must have found out about Dad’s affair. I’d never seen her cry, not once, and it shocked me to see her like that. She sniffed a couple of times, then looked up, catching me standing there in shock. I asked her if she was okay, and she laughed. Just laughed like it was the funniest damn thing she’d ever heard.”
He pulled back and looked at me once again. “I was so confused and kinda pissed, you know? I mean, I’d been worried about her for over a week, and there she was, laughing at me. I thought maybe she’d lost it, gone completely nuts, but I didn’t know what to do, so I turned around and walked out. We didn’t dofeelingsin my family, and I was thirteen. I didn’t know anything about that kind of shit.”
He tucked his face back into my chest as he continued, “Later that night, I heard them arguing in their bedroom. You’d think two narcissists would fight all the time, but they never did. Or at least, I never heard them. I stood outside their door, trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. I heard words likepregnantandaffairandabortionandtennis instructortossed around, and eventually, I pieced it all together.” He laughed without any sort of humor. “Turns out, all that time I was worried about my dad fucking his secretary, or whoever she was, my mom had been screwing her tennis instructor. She’d gotten knocked up, and they were arguing about her getting an abortion. Not that one of them was in favor of it and the other wasn’t, mind you. This wasn’t any sort of moral or religious argument. No, they were arguing over whether my father should pay for it or whether Ken, the tennis pro, should.”
Jesus. These people weremonsters. Every time Finn revealed even a glimpse into his childhood, I marveled at how strong he was. There was no doubt he’d endured trauma and that it had affected all his relationships going forward, including ours, but he was so damn strong to get through it without breaking and even more, without turning into just as much of a cold-hearted, self-centered asshole as they were.
“These are the people who raised me, Jamie. I have their blood in my veins. Are you sure you want to be with someone who comes fromthat?”
My eyes blew wide at the unexpected direction of his question. “What? Baby…ofcourseI want to be with you. What kind of a question is that?”
“They didn’t love me, Jamie. I don’t think they ever really even loved each other. Their entire marriage was a partnership based on what each of them could do for the other in terms of his career and her social standing. All my life, I couldn’t figure out why they’d even bothered to have me. They clearly didn’t want me. I was nothing but a burden and an inconvenience. But tonight…tonight I saw how much my father truly hated me. He’d always been cold and distant, but I suppose he’d felt it was his duty to become a father so he could portray that family man image. Tonight, though, instead of indifference, all I saw was disgust. He truly loathes me.”
He swallowed hard, and I flinched at the depth of emotion I saw shimmering in his eyes. His face was contorted in anguish. “I just…all these years, I thought I didn’t care. I was used to it. Numb. But tonight, the things he said to me…the way he looked at me… They really fucking hurt. And what if…what if I’m just like him? The blood running through my veins is poisoned, Jamie. It’s contaminated with greed and ambition and ugliness.” Tears were flowing down his face now and his words came faster and faster as he worked himself into a panic. “You’re everything good and beautiful in the world, and I’m… I don’t want to ruin you.”
“Finn…” I started, trying to stop the flood of toxic thoughts spilling out of him. His words were tearing me apart, piece by piece, but I was helpless to stop the tide. I wanted to do something, anything to take away his pain, to reassure him that he was nothing like them. How could he not know howamazinghe was?
“No, I’m serious.” He sniffed, his eyes so earnest as he looked into mine. “Fuck my parents. I hope I never see them again. They deserve each other. But the fact is, I don’t know what love looks like. I don’t know how. And you deserve someone who does. You deserve someone who knows how to make you feel like you’re the center of the universe. Who is kind and happy and isn’t afraid to be with you. I’m none of those things. I’m a broody asshole who doesn’t know how to let anyone in and is terrified of—”
“Okay, that’s enough,” I said, my tone harsher than intended. I sat up and raked my hands through my hair, pushing it off my face. For the last couple of months, I had eagerly awaited a time when I could finally break through all of Finn’s barriers and truly get to the center of his heart. I had wanted to figure out what had hurt him and why he had buried himself underneath all those protective layers. Well, it looked like his parents had busted that all wide open for me tonight, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t listen to him beat himself up over some misguided feelings of unworthiness.
I turned to face him, sitting cross-legged on the bed, and he sat up, mirroring my position. His eyes were wide, likely due to the tone I’d taken with him, and I took a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart. I was angry, but not at him. No, I was pissed that the people who were supposed to love and support him had given him reason to doubt himself, to doubt his worthiness.
I took another breath, this time pulling his hand into mine as I tried to speak more calmly, though my voice shook with an intensity that I couldn’t quite tamp down. “Listen to me. Like, really listen. Okay?” He nodded, and I saw his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed hard. I placed my other hand on the side of his face, cupping his cheek as I said, “There isn’t anything or anyone in this world you don’t deserve. You’re a goddamn warrior. A survivor. Your parents kicked you out of the house, and you, what? You found not one but two jobs. You are completely financially independent of them because you work your ass off. How many kids from that rich-ass school of yours could have survived that?”
He shrugged. “I just did what I had to do. I didn’t have any other choice,” he said, his voice small.
I released him and raked my hands through my hair, my voice shaking in frustration. “Bullshit. You could still be living in Carmen’s parents’ basement right now. I haven’t met them, but I’m willing to bet they wouldn’t have kicked you out. You could have caved and gone crawling back to your parents. Fuck, you could be living in a homeless shelter. You did none of those things. You got your shit together, and you did what you needed to do. You’re fucking amazing.”
“Jesus, Jamie. Why are you so mad? You just said I’m amazing, but you sound like you want to kick my ass.” There was a fire in his eyes as he said it, his words laced with irritation. I was glad to see the fight back in him rather than the desolate shell he’d been when he got here, but I didn’t want to be the cause of it. I felt like an ass. After everything he’d already been through, the last thing I wanted to do was make him think I was mad at him when nothing could be further from the truth.
I reached for his hands again, taking both of them in mine and tugging him forward until he was sitting on my lap with his legs wrapped around my waist. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him close, chest to chest. “I’m sorry,” I said quietly. “I’m not mad at you. I’m mad atthem.” After a moment, I felt some of the tension drain from his body, and he laid his head on my shoulder as he brought his arms around me, squeezing me back.
“I just feel like I’m broken,” he said, his voice choked with tears. “I don’t know how…I don’t know how to be—”
“Shh.” I cut him off. “You’re not broken, baby. And you don’t need to be anything other than who you are right now. You, just as you are, are all I need.” I rubbed his back as he fell apart, allowing the tears to fall once more. His body shook with the weight of it all as it poured out of him. The pain. The anger. The hurt. A lifetime of betrayal from the people who should have loved him. His parents hadn’t abused him, at least not physically, but their callous disregard had left bruises on his soul that might never fade completely. All I could do as I held him through it all was hold on to the hope that my love would be enough to make up for it.
And I did love him. I think some part of me had known my heart was headed down this path nearly from the start. I’d been helpless to stop it, to stop myself from falling for this wounded, beautiful soul. I hadn’t known the depth of him, the things that had hurt him, and the things that had made him strong, but as he let me in little by little, I was honored to be the one who got to love him now.
As his tears finally abated, I pulled back to look at him and said, “You know what I think?” He shrugged, his eyes dropping back down into his lap. I reached out, placing a finger under his chin, forcing him to look at me. “I think you have maybe one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know. I think you’ve been protecting it for a long, long time because those bastards who raised you taught you it was safer to bury it. But it’s there, it’s always been there, just waiting for the right person to come along and unlock it.”
I moved my hands to either side of his face, swiping away his tears with my thumbs. “You’ve given me glimpses of that beautiful heart of yours. Will you trust me with all of it? Will you let me love you the way you deserve to be loved? Because I do, Finn. I love you.”
More tears fell, landing on my thumbs where I still held his face, and as my vision blurred, I realized I was crying right along with him. I hadn’t meant to say the words, had only just acknowledged that I felt them. But as it always was with Finn, I couldn’t hold myself back. Something about him lit a fire inside me that roared to life anytime he was near, and it couldn’t be contained.
Moments passed, my declaration hanging in the air between us. I refused to take it back. I hoped I hadn’t scared him, but I didn’t regret it. I still didn’t know what his father had actually said to him, and I wasn’t a violent person, but I wasn’t above throwing punches if our paths ever crossed. But right now, I didn’t need to know the specifics to know that what Finn needed, what hedeserved, was to know that he was loved. That he wasworthloving. I hoped he returned my feelings, but even if he didn’t or if he wasn’t there yet, it didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered to me at that moment washim.
“You love me?” he asked, voice barely above a whisper.
I nodded, wiping away more tears. “Yeah, baby. I do.”
He launched himself into my arms, throwing us back in a heap on my bed. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him tightly as if my arms could hold all his bruised and battered pieces together. “I love you too,” he whispered, his voice shaking with emotion.
I held him there, heart bursting, just savoring the feel of him in my arms until, eventually, exhausted, we both fell asleep.
