Page 70 of When He Saved Me
Didn’t I have a right to grieve in peace without someone breathing down my neck?
He’s grieving too.
Sleeping in my bed every night.
You said you didn’t want to be alone.
Constantly asking if I’m okay. The little sideways glances when he thought I wasn’t looking. Never leaving me in a room by myself.
He’s worried because he loves you.
I shoved out of bed, annoyed by the pesky voice in my head that wouldn’t leave me alone. The one that kept whisperingnow what?The one that cried,what have you done?
I didn’t want to give that voice my attention. I wanted the anger. Anger was so much better than numbness and pain and sadness. Anger was a fire in my blood that made me feel alive. Anger made me want to set the world on fire so I’d never have to feel anything else ever again.
A knock sounded at my bedroom door, and for a split second, I felt the irrational hope that it was Finn coming back to fight for me, despite the fact I’d been the one who’d asked him to go. A mixture of surprise and disappointment barreled through me as I turned to see it was Asher darkening my door. A lump formed in my throat at the sight of my oldest friend, but I pushed any sentimental feelings away, replacing them with annoyance and irritation.
“What are you doing here? How’d you get in?” I sneered.
Asher flinched as if I’d struck him but remained steadfast in his spot. “I’ve had the garage code for years.”
“Well, you can show yourself out. I’m not in the mood for company.” I turned away from him in dismissal, but the asshole didn’t take the hint.
Quiet as a mouse, Asher stepped beside me as I stared out the window into the backyard. There was a bare patch in the middle of what was otherwise a pristine lawn where a play structure had once stood. Dad and Uncle Bob had built it the summer of my sixth birthday, and I’d spent hours and hours out there. So many summer nights had been spent with Asher and me swinging our hearts out, trying to best each other on how far we could fling ourselves off the swing while it was in motion, daring each other to cross the monkey bars naked during a sleepover, and pouring our hearts out to each other as we entered the teen years and navigated the social landmines of middle school. Mom had sold it sometime in my teens, and we’d never quite been able to get grass to grow there, no matter what we tried.
As if Asher had been watching the same highlight reel of our childhood, he reached out and wrapped my hand in his. A single tear rolled down my cheek, which just pissed me off. I yanked my hand out of his and swiped away the wetness, turning away from him and stepping away to put some distance between us.
“What are you doing here, Asher? Shouldn’t you be in Columbia?”
He ignored my questions, instead asking one of his own. “Where’s Finn?”
“He’s gone.”
“Why?”
“Why do you care?” I turned and scowled at him. “What’s it fucking matter?”
I saw the muscles in his jaw tighten, just for a moment, before his face returned to calm impassivity. “I care aboutyou, Jamie. Finn hasn’t left your side since the funeral.” I flinched at that word. Most people danced around it, like speaking about my mom’s death might send me over the edge, but Asher hadn’t hesitated. I didn’t know whether I appreciated his forthrightness or whether his audacity pissed me off. “I don’t think he’d leave you unless you sent him away.”
“I needed a break.”
“A break from what?”
No matter how much venom I spewed at him, he kept the questions coming, his voice calm and steady like a damn therapist. It made me want to lash out. Push him. Hurt him until he pushed back. Then he could feel an ounce of the rage I felt. Then maybe he’d leave me alone.
“What do you mean ‘from what?’ He was here all the damn time. I couldn’t breathe.” Agitated, I crossed over to my dresser and started loading the clothes I’d brought from downstairs.
“He was here because he loves you, Jamie. Didn’t you tell him you didn’t want to be alone?”
“How do you know that?” I shoved the top drawer closed now that I’d loaded it with socks and underwear and began working on the next drawer down, piling in T-shirts. “Anyway, that was a month ago. I didn’t mean I needed him here every second of the damn day.”
“Okay. So you went from scared of being alone to feeling suffocated?”
“Basically.” I tried to shove the drawer closed, but it wouldn’t close all the way, so I yanked it open again, took all the shirts out, and started over.
“Did you give Finn any indication you needed space? Or have you been stomping around the house, snarling like a wild animal that’s been cornered in a dark alley?”
I tried to close the drawer again, even more forcefully this time, as Asher’s words struck a little too close to home, but the damn thing still wouldn’t shut. “Fuck you, man. I don’t need you coming up in here and judging me.” I yanked the drawer back open and gave the shirts another shove before pushing the drawer closed again. It still wouldn’t close all the way. “Goddammit!” I yelled, pounding my fist on the top of the dresser. “Why won’t this fucking thing close?” I pounded the dresser twice more, but on the third time, Asher caught my fist mid-swing, pulling it instead into my midsection and wrapping me in a bear hug from behind. While he matched me in height, he’d always been much leaner, but at that moment, the difference didn’t matter. All the fight went out of me, and I collapsed in his arms. He pulled me to the floor with him, wrapping his arms around me as I shook with full-bodied sobs.
