Page 36 of When He Saved Me
I scoffed, uncomfortable with his praise. “I don’t know about that. I should have stood up to them years ago rather than letting it get to that point.”
“Eh. Would it really have made a difference? It might have made your high school years even worse.” He tugged me so I rolled to face him once again. “You’re a survivor. You did what you had to do to get through high school, and then you’ve continued to do what you’ve needed to since. You’re fucking brave, Finn.”
He looked at me like I was some sort of goddamned hero when, in reality, I was nothing of the kind. I was just a broody asshole barely making ends meet with the emotional capacity of a teaspoon.
Unable to bear the look in his eyes any longer, I yanked myself out of his hold and sat up on the bed, turning away from him. “I wasn’t brave. I was a fucking coward my whole life, and all that one act of defiance got me was kicked out of my house without any way of supporting myself. I could have gone to college. I might have eventually convinced them to let me change my major. I could have fucked my way through half the men on campus, and they would’ve never known.”
“And you would have died a little more each day that you had to deny who you really were.”
“How is that any different from who I am now? Yeah, I’m open about my sexuality, but I’m locked in an endless cycle of trying to make ends meet. I’m not living, Jamie. I’m simply existing, bouncing from one shitty job to the next, barely making rent, barely sleeping, barely even fucking. Carmen is the only friend I have, and I’m not even sure why she puts up with me.”
He sat up and put his arm around me, pulling me into his side. “You have me. You have my mom. Stick around a little longer, and you’ll have Aunt Cathy and her family too.”
My heart was racing, pounding the inside of my chest so hard I wondered if it was possible to bruise from the inside out.
I wanted that. I wanted family and love and acceptance so badly that it was an ache inside me. I was absolutely terrified it would all be gone with a snap, and I’d never recover. How could I want something so desperately that I’d never even known was missing until now?
And yet now that I’d had a taste, there was no turning back. I needed this. Craved it. Even as I feared what it could do to me.
I took a shaky breath and turned my head to look at him, steeling myself for the words that would come next. I felt like Wile E. Coyote barreling off a cliff only to look down and realize the ground was gone from beneath my feet. The question was, would I plummet to the bottom of the canyon, or would there be something there,someone, to catch me when I fell?
“You asked me what changed. It was you. You and your family. I’ve spent my entire life closing myself off from everyone because it was safer that way. Carmen has been the only one to penetrate that wall, mostly because she’s a wrecking ball of a human who won’t take no for an answer. Honestly, other than you, she’s the only one who’s even tried.”
“I think I like Carmen already,” he said, pulling a small smile out of me.
“She’d like you too, but I’m afraid if the two of you ever meet, you’ll gang up on me, and I won’t survive it.”
“Perfect.” He grinned at me shamelessly.
I shook my head before continuing, knowing I needed to get this out. “Since you walked into my life, I’ve realized that in my effort to protect myself, I’ve missed out on so much, and I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to sit on the sidelines while life passes me by.” I swallowed past the lump in my throat, pressing on. “You said I have the ability to wreck you, but I think I could say the same to you. And I’m so damn scared, but I want that. I want someone in my life who thinks I’m worth risking that kind of heartbreak. And if you’re willing to risk that with me, then I’m willing to risk it with you too.”
“So fucking brave,” he murmured before pulling me into him in a fierce embrace, holding me tightly as if he could somehow fuse all my broken pieces back together.
Tears fell without my permission. I hadn’t cried once over my parents in the last four years, not even the night I walked out of their lives, and yet this guy had managed to pull down all my walls in a matter of weeks. He’d worked brick by brick until, eventually, they’d all come crashing down, and I couldn’t be sorry for it.
He pulled me back down beside him, lying with his arms wrapped around me, my head on his chest, my tears soaking his shirt. He stroked my back, ran his hands through my hair, and murmured words of comfort in my ear. I had no idea what he said, but the sound and tone of his voice soothed me, and eventually, I slept.
CHAPTER19
JAMIE
For likely thefiftieth time in the last half hour, I caught myself staring at Finn as he worked the coffee shop counter while I attempted to study for my last final. The truth was, I didn’t really need to study. I knew the material and my grade was strong enough that this final wouldn’t make a big impact, but I’d needed an excuse to see him again.
His confession Monday night had left me feeling raw, my heart aching for him. What kind of heartless bastards could treat their only son like that? What must the rest of his childhood have been like living in a house like that?
He’d finally cried himself to sleep, but I’d stayed awake for another hour watching him and marveling over just how strong he was. I’d never known fear like he had. I’d been nervous to tell my mom about Asher and me, but not once had it ever occurred to me that she would turn me away. I’d never had the experience of having everything I could ever want, only to find myself living paycheck to paycheck to survive.
He’d bruised my ego when he’d called me a rich pretty boy a few weeks ago, but the truth was, to some degree, he’d been right. Oh, I wasn’t nearly as shallow as the term pretty boy might suggest, and I certainly had compassion for those down on their luck, but all from a safe distance. I’d never had to examine it up close. I’d never had to give it more than a passing thought before returning to my cushy life.
Finn had lived it. Was still living it.
He was amazing.
He made me want to be better. To not take the life I’d been lucky to live for granted. To appreciate the people who’d supported me, whostillsupported me. I wanted to do the same for him. To be the same for him. I wanted to show him how beautiful life could be when you were surrounded by love.
The man currently occupying all my thoughts caught my eye and gave me a small smile before returning his attention to the customer in front of him. His curls were covered in a beanie today and he wore a Henley that hugged his slender frame paired with worn jeans slung low on his hips. He reached for something on the shelf above him, and I nearly drooled at the sight of a sliver of bare skin when his shirt rode up his abs. I wanted to lick it.
“You must be the mysterious Jamie,” a voice said next to me, her tone laced with humor. Startled, I turned to find a curvy Latina woman staring at me, arms crossed, eyebrow raised, red-painted lips curved up in a smirk. Her ebony hair was pulled back into a smooth high ponytail, large hoops dangling from her ears. I instantly knew who she was.
