Page 33 of When He Saved Me
My home had been all sleek lines and dark leather. Pictures were chosen carefully and used sparingly in favor of dramatic artwork. Books were leather-bound and shelved in the study. I was sure none of them had ever actually been cracked open. Candles were never, ever burned.
What would my life have been like had I grown up in a home such as this? Comfy furniture. Cozy blankets. Hugs. Laughter. Love. Parents who not only accepted their gay son but who cherished and encouraged him to be whoever he wanted to be. People who did whatever they could to support their child rather than use their child as an accessory to somehow elevate their own status.
My heart hurt for the little boy I’d been, for the childhood I’d never even known could be possible. And my heart raged on behalf of the man I’d become. The man who pushed everyone away because it hurt too damn much to let anyone in. It was easier, just so much fucking easier, to shut out all that warmth. To exist in a state of numbness where there was no expectation of joy or happiness. If you didn’t expect it, you couldn’t miss its absence.
I was starting to get a glimpse of all that I had missed. Sure, I’d seen it with Carmen’s family, but this was different somehow. I didn’t know if it was because Carmen was a daughter and I was a son, and seeing Jamie accepted and loved as a son made it feel more real, but it honestly didn’t really matter. In this moment, what mattered was that I was finally starting to see all I’d lost and all I’d closed myself off to. It fucking pissed me off.
My fingers itched to play. I wanted to pound out some Beethoven or Rachmaninoff until I couldn’t think or feel anything anymore. But I didn’t want to disturb Mrs. Felton, so I opened my book and began to write.
CHAPTER17
JAMIE
I walkedin the door around four o’clock to a quiet house. I’d come in through the garage, and when I didn’t see my mom or Finn in the kitchen, I made my way down the hall toward my mom’s room. Her bed was unmade but empty, so I retraced my steps, turning off into the living room, where I found them both asleep on either end of the oversized sectional.
Finn’s notebook was open in his lap, his pen dangling loosely in one hand as if he’d stopped in the middle of writing. His head was leaned against the back of the couch, slightly tilted to one side.
I studied him as he slept, his face relaxed in sleep. My eyes drank in every detail, from the dark hair resting on his forehead to his strong jaw and full lips. I itched to brush that lock of hair from his face and press my lips to his, but I didn’t want to wake him. I knew he’d worked himself ragged last week and was probably still trying to catch up on sleep.
Still, as always, I was inexplicably drawn to him and found myself carefully sinking onto the couch next to him. In his sleep, he released the pen, which rolled off the notebook and onto the carpet, and laid his head on my shoulder. I managed to get my arm around him, pulling a blanket over us and savoring the feel of him tucked into my side.
I sat like that for a long time, my eyes closed, not in sleep, but in contentment. I thought about the path we’d taken to arrive at this point. All the times he’d pushed me away. What was it about him that kept me coming back for more? I’d never pursued someone so relentlessly, yet he was like a drug I couldn’t quit. I was always desperate for that next hit.
The events of last night played through my mind like a highlight reel. Glimmers and flashes of our conversation, of the way he’d kissed me, the way we’d kissed each other. Fire and passion and need coursing through my veins. The way he’d felt in my arms. The sound of his panting breaths as our tongues fought for dominance. Heat pooled low in my groin, and though Finn and my mom were asleep, I was thankful I’d grabbed the blanket because it was doing a bang-up job of hiding my erection.
A rustling on the other end of the sectional caught my attention, and I opened my eyes to see my mom slowly rising to stand. I started to inch forward, willing my erection down while trying to figure out the best way to extricate myself from Finn’s hold without waking him, but she waved me off. “I’m fine,” she whispered. “I suspect he needs the rest.”
“I think so too,” I whispered back. “Are you sure?”
“I’m just going to watch some TV in the sitting room. I’ll be fine.”
“I don’t want you to fall.”
“Stop it. I can still walk. Just love on him for a little while. He needs it.”
A battle was waged inside me, but ultimately, holding on to Finn won. Still, I stared after her with a watchful eye to make sure she appeared steady on her feet. When I heard the faint sounds of the TV coming down the hall, and it seemed she’d successfully made it without falling, I turned my attention back to Finn.
Giving in to the temptation of touching him, I pressed a kiss to his temple before laying my head back and closing my eyes.
* * *
I blinked awake,looking around in confusion. It took me a moment to realize I had fallen asleep while holding Finn. His head had drooped so he lay more on my chest than my shoulder, hunched over in what must have been an uncomfortable position. I was sure his neck would be achy.
Gently, I nudged him, trying to wake him. His eyes opened slowly, and he sat up, looking at me cautiously, obviously confused about how he’d gotten into such a position. “When did you get home? What time is it?” he asked as he slowly rolled his head from side to side, stretching his neck.
I raised my smartwatch, wincing as I realized how long we’d been napping. “It’s close to seven. I got home around four, but you were out cold, so I thought maybe I’d join you.”
He rubbed his eyes. “You should have woken me.”
“Did you have someplace to be?” I asked. “You said you could stay for dinner, so I figured it’d be okay to let you sleep.”
“No, I just…I don’t know. I feel bad that I slept all over you.”
I grinned. “No need to feel bad. Gave me an excuse to hold you.”
He looked at me out of the corner of his eye, one side of his mouth tilted up in a smirk. “You don’t need an excuse. All you have to do is ask.”
I raised my eyebrows in surprise. This little bit of flirty banter was new. “Yeah?”
